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[cancer] Going splat - Lakeshore
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Jay Lake
Date: 2012-08-19 06:36
Subject: [cancer] Going splat
Security: Public
Tags:cancer, child, conventions, friends, health, personal
Yesterday was tough. I took Lisa Costello to the airport early. Seeing her leave made me sad. I saw H— in the morning, then had lunch with [info]mlerules and a friend of hers before hitting GEAR Con. Finally I came home and spent some time with [info]the_child.

Almost the entire day, I was filled with dread, depression and anger. The new cancer diagnosis has really gotten to me in a way that even the previous diagnoses did not do. This is a combination of the terror of another horrible round of chemotherapy and my continued processing of my sharply increased mortality risk. This is not a terminal diagnosis, but the third metastasis kicks me into much higher risk category that strongly indicates a limited lifespan. One of my oncologists actually referred to the possibility of a "miraculous cure" in discussing this.

I am horrified.

I do bounce. From almost everything. Right now I'm still in the splat of hitting the floor. The true measure of this thing has barely begun to make itself known to my heart and mind. The shattering is going on right now.

I am horrified.

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mevennen
User: mevennen
Date: 2012-08-19 13:48 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Jay, all I can say is that I'm not surprised you're horrified. It's very difficult to utter anything that is not a platitude here: we are, however, holding you very much in our thoughts at the moment.
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zxhrue
User: zxhrue
Date: 2012-08-19 13:58 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)

I am horrified.

of course you are.
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Lisa Costello
User: radiantlisa
Date: 2012-08-19 14:18 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Leaving made me sad, too, and I'm so incredibly sorry that I can't be there right now to help you bounce back.
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a_cubed
User: a_cubed
Date: 2012-08-19 14:19 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
You're right to be horrified. You just have to try not to let it become overhwleming. Trite, perhaps, but true. This is a horrific thing to have to go through, and horror is the appropriate response.
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Keikaimalu
User: keikaimalu
Date: 2012-08-19 14:56 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Yeah. It's amazing how bad you can feel just in your brain alone.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, Jay. I wish you the very best of luck for the best possible outcome. And I wish you peace, calm, and happiness, with all my heart.
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joycemocha
User: joycemocha
Date: 2012-08-19 15:45 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Hugs. Many, many hugs.

And I talked to DS about coordinating the snow thing we talked about yesterday. He's on board with it, so depending on everyone's schedules come January...it can happen.
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Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2012-08-19 15:50 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Oh, that would be so awesome if the snow thing worked out.
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joycemocha: ski bum 2
User: joycemocha
Date: 2012-08-19 16:09 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:ski bum 2
Barring schedules, accidents, health issues, and El Nino complications--it will happen! Early snow dancing commencing...
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Kari Sperring
User: la_marquise_de_
Date: 2012-08-19 16:33 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Hug.
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Leah Cutter: Fall Leaves
User: lrcutter
Date: 2012-08-19 18:17 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:Fall Leaves
::many hugs::

As others have said, of course you're horrified. I'm horrified for you as well. It may take quite some time to bounce back from this, and that's okay. It's really fucking awful. Be gentle with yourself.

::more hugs::
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witchcraft_shop
User: witchcraft_shop
Date: 2012-08-19 18:24 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I am angry for you to have to deal with this.

Work well through it all brother. Thoughts and candles lit.
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Karen
User: klwilliams
Date: 2012-08-19 21:03 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
This sucks. I'm horrified for you. I'm sorry you have to be a good example for the rest of us, but I'm glad you're hanging in there and staying alive.
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anghara
User: anghara
Date: 2012-08-19 23:08 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
You have every right to be horrified. It's horrible. There's no way to soften that. I on the other hand find myself coldly furious at the Universe right now, on your behalf.

I have no easy words to offer, of comfort or rage. Just my sincere regrets that all the good vibes that have been winging your way have not been enough to turn this from you.
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emmainfiniti
User: emmainfiniti
Date: 2012-08-19 23:38 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Hugs.
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W. Lotus: Peaceful
User: wlotus
Date: 2012-08-20 01:08 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:Peaceful
"Horrified" seems like a perfectly appropriate response to me! I am, too, and this isn't my body we are talking about.
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nancyfulda
User: nancyfulda
Date: 2012-08-20 14:49 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Aw dang. So sorry about all the crap you're dealing with right now, Jay. This sucks in every possible way.
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Debbie N.
User: wild_irises
Date: 2012-08-21 19:51 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Please cut yourself slack, and shatter as long as you need to.
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