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[funny] Tell me a joke, part 2 - Lakeshore
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Jay Lake
Date: 2012-10-11 04:44
Subject: [funny] Tell me a joke, part 2
Security: Public
I'm tired and cranky and my face hurts. Tell me a joke in comments. Maybe we can cheer up a bunch of people today.

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Kari Sperring
User: la_marquise_de_
Date: 2012-10-11 12:15 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Most of the jokes I know are very British! However, here's a link to the fabulous Mitch Benn being very silly indeed,
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When life gives you lemmings...
User: danjite
Date: 2012-10-11 12:18 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Does this count?

Edited at 2012-10-11 12:19 pm (UTC)
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User: jimvanpelt
Date: 2012-10-11 12:30 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Whenever I'm depressed, for some reason the lumberjack song picks me right up. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zey8567bcg
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Debbie N.
User: wild_irises
Date: 2012-10-11 14:34 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
A judge trying a civil case opens the trial by saying that the plaintiff has given the judge $5,000 to rule in their favor. The defendant, however, has given the judge $10,000 to rule in their favor.

"I have considered this situation," says the judge, "and I think the only fair thing to do is return $5,000 to the defendant so the trial will be fair."
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Random: Cat Lick!
User: halloranelder
Date: 2012-10-11 12:32 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:Cat Lick!
Three men walk into a bar.

You would think at least one of them would have seen it and ducked?

(Sorry, that's what you get for putting in this sort of request just as I'm about to head to bed for the night.)
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Jon Hansen
User: jonhansen
Date: 2012-10-11 13:08 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
The funniest jokes in Edinburgh, or so the Guardian claims.

1) "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks." – Stewart Francis

2) "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly." – Tim Vine

3) "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister." – Will Marsh

4) "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case." – Rob Beckett

5) "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don't know Y." – Chris Turner

6) "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze." – Tim Vine

7) "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating." – George Ryegold

8) "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!" – Stewart Francis

9) "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad." – Lou Sanders

10) "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn't fancy her chances." – Nish Kumar

11) "Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?" - Dan Antopolski

12) "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves." - Nick Helm
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User: inflectionpoint
Date: 2012-10-11 13:15 (UTC)
Subject: Bosnian joke
So, this is during the war, and Sarajevo is under siege. One of the things people did when holding the city under siege was cut off the power, the water, the gas. It's really awful.

There's this hospital, and they're struggling along. Nurse is working triage desk, and a guy comes in, covered in burns from a gas stove on fire.

And as he staggers up to the desk, she says, "Great! I see the gas is turned back on!"

This is the single funniest joke I have ever heard.
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User: anghara
Date: 2012-10-11 18:51 (UTC)
Subject: Re: Bosnian joke
Just as an aside, it isn't so funny when you come from that part of the world, which I do (and Sarajevo in particular is my father's particularly beloved city). Jay, your blog, your rules, but I just needed to say that making fun of tragedies is really not amusing to some of us out there.
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User: nojay
Date: 2012-10-11 13:21 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
An explorer in the jungle is bitten on the leg by a venomous centipede. He knows its bite is very toxic and possibly fatal if it is not treated quickly. His native guide tells him about a Christian missionary hospital several miles away and they immediately head for it.

They make it to the hospital in time and the explorer is met at the door by nuns who whisk him into a hospital bed. The nuns are familiar with this type of centipede and its bite and they reassure the woozy explorer that it can be treated but it will take several days before the danger has passed. The nuns busy themselves cleaning the bite, covering the skin around it with medicinal powder and then bandaging it up. As the explorer drifts in and out of consciousness he is vaguely aware of the nuns tending his wound at intervals and putting more powder on the bite. When lucidity returns he wakes to find a young nun in a white novice habit removing the bandages and cleaning the bite area again. After a few moments she stops and waits, leaving the wound exposed. He wonders why she's not finishing the job.

"Excuse me, but aren't you going to put the powder on my leg?" he asks.

The nun shakes her head. "Oh no, I'm not allowed to do that. Another nun dusts the bite."
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slweippert: Epic Facepalm
User: slweippert
Date: 2012-10-12 04:48 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:Epic Facepalm
Oh Gawd!
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User: dionysus1999
Date: 2012-10-11 13:41 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Competed in a scavenger hunt over the weekend. One of the tasks was to get a helium ballon from a particular store and tell an knock knock joke with "helium voice".

After the first group of scavengers made a spectacle of themselves the store staff went soup Nazi on the rest of us, "no balloon for you!"


"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Interrupting cow."
"Interrupting co..."

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User: silvertwi
Date: 2012-10-11 13:50 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Someone on my f-list posted this yesterday.

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,

“I think I am going to have a little broom!”

“IMPOSSIBLE !” said the groom broom. Because...

“We haven't even swept together!”
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Kari Sperring
User: la_marquise_de_
Date: 2012-10-11 14:04 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Also, this:
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User: e_bourne
Date: 2012-10-11 14:14 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Ancient Roman jokes. Including a version of the dead parrot. http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2009/mar/13/roman-joke-book-beard

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User: yourbob
Date: 2012-10-11 14:26 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
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slweippert: short haired me
User: slweippert
Date: 2012-10-12 04:50 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:short haired me
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Samantha Henderson
User: samhenderson
Date: 2012-10-11 14:33 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
(This reduces my daughter and me to absolute giggling idiots.)

There are two kinds of people in this world: those who are able to interpolate results from incomplete data...
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MG Ellington
User: xjenavivex
Date: 2012-10-11 15:00 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
:: giggle, giggle, snort::
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Samantha Henderson
User: samhenderson
Date: 2012-10-11 16:14 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
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User: yourbob
Date: 2012-10-11 14:56 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Hickory dickory dock
Three mice ran up the clock
The clock struck one
The other two escaped with minor injuries
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The Ferrett
User: theferrett
Date: 2012-10-11 16:58 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I used this one successfully on my wife yesterday:

"Time travelling cow."


"Knock knock."
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frabjouslinz: chicken
User: frabjouslinz
Date: 2012-10-11 17:44 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
It's not a joke, but sometimes, I just like to say "Hippopotamus." And then sing the "I want a hippopotamus for xmas" song. Bonus: it annoys Scott. :)

I also like to say "Lichens! I like 'em!"

I don't know that it's cheering so much as confirming preconceived notions you have of me.
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User: anghara
Date: 2012-10-11 18:58 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
All out of jokes right now - my life's a big drama at the moment and I"ve my hands full just juggling things so that all the pieces that need to stay in the air WILL, But I'll make a game attempt at cheering you up, and here's a couple of goofy dog videos to entertain you:
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User: muntahz
Date: 2012-10-11 19:16 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
This is a story about a joke a friend told.
He was with his father and step mother while they hosted a couple that were friends with his step mother. He was about 20 at the time and thought he was the bomb - as they do.
While his parents were out of the room he decided to step up and keep the guests entertained and so he told a joke he had come up with and though was very clever.
"You know of course that men and women are different. There is a Vas Deferns between them."
The couple said noth and just looked at him and happily his step mom came back into the room and broke the tension.
He decied they had no sense of humour.
He told my husband I this story explaining that he used the seperation between the hemispeheres of the brain in a joke.
I started laughig and could not stop for about 5 mins, - seriously!
I finally looked at him and had to explain that the reason the couple was so quite was that he had essintially justtold them a dirty joke. That the Corpus Callosum was the seperation between the brain and the Vas Deferens was what sperm travled through in anticipation of ejaculation.
He turned bright red and was quite for a long time but later shared the fact the coupld had spoken with his dad because they were worried about him. They thought he needed to be checked by a menta health professional as he had social issues.
I still crack up when I think of him telling them the joke.
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User: mrtact
Date: 2012-10-11 19:21 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
At the risk of getting myself into trouble:

"$10. Same as in town"
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User: tyellas
Date: 2012-10-11 20:20 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I stole this from "Old Jews Telling Jokes."

Two old putzes, Marvin and Sol, are having coffee at the diner. Marvin says ruefully to Sol, "I love my wife, she's still beautiful after 40 years, but I just can't get it up any more, you know?"

Sol barks, "No, I don't know - I made love to my wife three times last week! Listen, Marvin, I'll tell you my secret."

Marvin leans in and Sol whispers, "Rye bread."

So Marvin hustles off to the bakery down the street. "I'll take a loaf of rye bread. No, wait - how many loaves to you have?"

"Five," says the baker.

"Great, I'll take them all!"

The baker's brow furrows. "But, Marvin...by the time you get to the last loaf, it'll be hard."

And Marvin goes, "YESSSSS!"
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cate_morgan: lackofpants
User: cate_morgan
Date: 2012-10-11 22:30 (UTC)
Subject: Didja hear ...
They've changed the name for boxed wine.

Now it's called...wait for it..."cardboardeaux".

*rim shot*
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User: corucia
Date: 2012-10-12 01:03 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
An old one...

After visiting some of his congregation, a priest decided to walk back to the church, as it was a nice day out. While walking down a pretty tree-lined street, he saw a small boy at the front door of a house a half-block ahead of him. The boy was trying to ring the doorbell, but was too short to reach it. The boy repeatedly jumped up to try and ring the doorbell, and could never quite make it, so the priest decided to help. He walked up behind the boy, who hadn't noticed him, and pushed the doorbell button. The boy looked up at the priest with a very surprised look on his face. "And what do you say, young man?" the priest asked the boy. "Now we run like hell!"
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slweippert: Muse laughs
User: slweippert
Date: 2012-10-12 04:44 (UTC)
Subject: Silly Kid Joke
Keyword:Muse laughs
What do you do if you're eaten by an elephant?
Just walk around until you get pooped out.

I know; Bad. :D
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User: mcjulie
Date: 2012-10-23 17:42 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Q: Why does Ann Romney have difficulty reaching orgasm?

A: Because Mitt has to change position every few seconds.

Edited at 2012-10-23 05:42 pm (UTC)
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Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2012-10-23 18:33 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
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my journal
January 2014
2012 appearances