The first cow says to the second cow, "Holy wow, this whole mad cow disease thing is really scaring me. What do you think?"
The second promptly says, "*I* don't know *what* you are talking about. *I* am a helicopter. *whooshwhooshwhoosh*"
A mage, a thief, and a fighter walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, is this a party?"
A Buddhist monk, a rabbi, and a pastor get together often to go fishing. On this particular occasion, they all climb in the boat and row out a ways.
Suddenly, the monk stands up and cries "I forgot my lunch!" He hops out of the boat, walks back to shore, grabs his lunch, and walks back, stepping back into the boat with only a little water on his shoes. The preacher adjusts his collar uncomfortably. "He can walk on water! He must be holier than me!" he thinks.
Suddenly, the rabbi stands up and cries "I forgot my hat!" He hops out of the boat, walks back to shore, grabs his hat, and walks back, stepping back into the boat with only a little water on his shoes. The priest is starting to sweat. "He must also be more holy than me! I must prove that I am as holy!" he resolves.
Suddenly the pastor stands up and cries "I forgot my Bible!" He hops out of the boat. SPLASH!
The stunned rabbi turns to the monk, who is shaking with laughter, and says, "I guess I forgot to tell him about the stepping stones!"
Quasimodo, the hunchback of Notre Dame, was ready to retire. The call went out for replacements. Dozens of men and women of all ages answered and applied. Each had to demonstrate their skill to Quasimodo, as it was he who would choose his successor. Weeks went by, disappointment after diasappointment. No one lived up to Quasimodo's standards, no one had the finesse he brought to the job.
Then, when he'd given up hope, a young man arrived.
"I'd like to apply for the bell ringer position," he said.
"Thank you, good sir," Quasimodo replied, a bit uneasy. "But---well, I don't mean to be rude, but---you have no arms."
"I know," the man replied, smiling with confidence. "Nonetheless, I'd like to apply."
"I'll ring the bell with my head."
"Your head?" Quasimodo repeated.
Quasimodo began to dissuade him, but he could see in the man's eyes a firece determination. So, Quasimodo shrugged and stepped away from the bell and said, "Have at it."
The man backed up as far as the bell tower allowed, braced himself, and ran at the bell. At the last moment he sprung into the air, thrusting his head at the bell. He missed it only by inches and landed on his feet.
He repeated the process. Same result. Again, same result. This went on for some time. The hunchback began glancing at his watch.
Quasimodo felt embarrassed for the poor fellow. "Look, " he said, "maybe you---"
"I can DO this," the young man growled.
"Whatever," Quasimodo said.
The young man braced himself, sprinted once again, and leapt, lunging at the bell. His face hit the bell head on. There was a resounding peal. Unfortunately, the young man bounced off the bell and plunged over the edge of the bell tower, his scream trailing until it was cut off.
"Shit," Quasimodo muttered, running to look over the edge. "Just what I need."
Sure enough, the man was splattered on the cobbles below, a crowd beginning to gather.
Quasimodo ran down the many flights of stairs. By the time he got to the courtyard, he was sweating and breathing heavily. The crowd had increased, with much murmuring going on. A gendarme stood over the young man's body, careful not to step in any of the stuff splattered around.
"Quasimodo," the gendarme said. "Do you know this man?"
No," Quasimodo admitted, "but his face rings a bell.
So, anyway, the NEXT day, ANOTHER armless guy comes in. Looks a whole lot like the first one. Quasimodo says, "Look, yesterday, a different guy without arms tried for this same job. It didn't end well."
Guy nods. "Yeah, he was my brother. Both of us grew up admiring you, and the skill you brought to your job, and we both are dedicated to bell-ringing. We worked out our technique together. It's a tragedy what happened yesterday, but at least he died trying for what we both believed in, and I want to give it the same try."
Quasimodo's quite moved by this, so he lets the guy up. Guy backs up across the belltower, charges full-speed across, ricochets off the bell, goes flying out the steeple, and crashes to the ground.
The same gendarme is there when he gets there. "Okay, Quasimodo -- what about THIS guy? What can you tell me about HIM?"
Quasimodo shrugs. "I never learned his name, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
Q. What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
A. A nervous wreck.
(I got this joke in a Christmas cracker one year and wouldn't stop telling it to my family for the rest of the vacation. Finally my sister got so annoyed that when I asked the question, she replied "A CLUBBED SISTER.")
How many members of SFWA does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Light bulbs are for Luddites. Science Fiction writers read by the backlight on their funky futuristic electronic reading devices, and Fantasy writers use oil lamps, rushlights or glowing wands or gemstones.
(If I didn't raise a laugh with that, I hope it was at least worthy of a smile.)
As it was a nice Spring day, a priest decided to walk to visit some of his elderly parishioners. On his way back to the church he spied a young boy, perhaps five or six, standing on the doorstep of a house.
The boy was jumping up and trying to press the doorbell, but was having no luck. The priest walked up behind the boy, who didn't notice him, and rang the doorbell for the child.
The boy, very surprised, looked up at the priest, who smiled down at him and said "Now what do you say?", to which the boy replied "Now we run like Hell!" and tore off across the lawn.
I'm reading folktales Zora Neale Hurston collected from the Gulf Coast back in the 1920s. Here's one from the preacher section a--written in dialect, because that's how she does it:
A man wuz hongry and he ast de preacher to help him out. De preacher tole him just ast de Lawd for whut he wants and he'll git it. So de man went home and got down and ast de Lawd, says: "O Lawd, send me down a barrel of flour, a barrel of meal, a barrel of sugar, a tub of lard, ten hams, a side of meat, a barrel of pepper--hold on dere a minute, God. Dat's too damn much pepper." --Nat James (in Zora Neale Hurston, Every Tongue Got to Confess)
I swear that I know non-corny jokes, but they've all deserted me right now (other than the dirty ones). So I'll make up for quality with quantity.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel shoved into his pants. The bartender looks at him and says, "Wow, that must be uncomfortable." The pirate replies, "Argh, I know! It's drivin' me nuts!"
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a doe who can't see? No eye-deer (Hmmm, works better out loud.)
What do you call a doe who can't see and is lying on the ground? Still no eye-deer. (Yup, still funnier out loud. For certain definitions of funnier.)
How many ears did Captain Kirk have? Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear. (Wow, a surprising number of corny jokes only work out loud. So sad.)
And the only surrealist joke I know: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a whale? No, because mermaids don't ride bicycles. (I said it was surreal. I didn't say it was funny.)
What's big, grey, lives in Africa, and swears a lot? A hippo-potty-mouth.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first mathematician says, "I'd like a beer." The second says, "I just want half a beer." The third says, "Can I just have a quarter of a beer?" The fourth says, "Really, I just want an eighth of a beer... "
The bartender looks at the infinite line, says, "You guys are jerks," pulls two beers and leaves.
Oh -- here's one that's relevant to your interests! A couple infectious flesh-eating bacteria walk into a bar, start to go through a door marked "EMPLOYEES ONLY". Bartender says, "Waitaminute - you can't go back there." They say, "No, it's cool -- we're staph."
A set of cis-males (mathmatician and an engineer by trade) are placed at one side of the room, a gorgeous cis-female at the other. Both men are told that they can move towards the woman, but on any given move they can only cover half the distance. The mathmatician collapses in a heap of despair, the engineer takes off across the room in a shot. Explain. Mathametician knows he can never touch the woman. Engineer figure he can get close enough.