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[cancer] Last night I had a meltdown - Lakeshore
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Jay Lake
Date: 2013-06-29 06:46
Subject: [cancer] Last night I had a meltdown
Security: Public
Tags:cancer, death, events, health, personal, radiantlisa
Lisa Costello and I were at the Clarion West party for a little under an hour yesterday evening before heading back to our hotel. We were both overwhelmed by the sheer volume. I saw a lot of people I don't see often, and in many cases, after today will never see again. I was navigating the party slowly, with my cane and my protective gloves. Both of these things served as obvious markers of my decline.

Back at the hotel we each sorted out our evening routines and got close to sleep. I had my trazodone and lorazepam combination on board. Trying to settle down for the night, I felt overwhelmed all over again. That quickly brought me to tears of anger and despair. All I could say is, "I want my life back."

I want to be able to go to a party and last more than an hour.

I want to walk quickly down a hall.

I want to be able to say to faraway friends, "See you again soon."

I want the people around me to deal with their stuff without being distorted by my illness and my needs.

I want to write.

I want to plan ahead.

I want my old energy, my old charisma, my old busy-ness.

I want my life back.

Instead I get fatigue, tears, and ever shorter horizons and an ever smaller existence.

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mlerules: KITTEN CUTENESS
User: mlerules
Date: 2013-06-29 14:27 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:KITTEN CUTENESS
ox
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Kate Schaefer
User: kate_schaefer
Date: 2013-06-29 14:51 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I'm sorry to have missed you (and everyone else) last night. I hope I'll be able to make it to next week's event, which should be slightly less crowded. I send you a hug.
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chessdev: alien
User: chessdev
Date: 2013-06-29 15:18 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:alien
understandable
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Deborah J. Ross: bench
User: deborahjross
Date: 2013-06-29 16:41 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:bench
We want our Jay back.
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fledgist
User: fledgist
Date: 2013-06-29 20:15 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Hear! Hear!
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alumiere
User: alumiere
Date: 2013-06-29 16:52 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I want my life back. I understand, and am profoundly sorry you're not going to get it. Hugs and support.
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Leela
User: leela_cat
Date: 2013-06-29 17:36 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
*hugs*

If I could give those things back to you, I would.
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martianmooncrab
User: martianmooncrab
Date: 2013-06-29 18:31 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
having even the illusion of control would be lifting...

*hugs*
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shaolingrrl
User: shaolingrrl
Date: 2013-06-29 22:20 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Many, many hugs and much, much love to you, Jay.
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joycemocha
User: joycemocha
Date: 2013-06-29 22:25 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Hugs.
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anghara
User: anghara
Date: 2013-06-29 23:24 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Oh, my friend, if it were in my power to grant you would have all those things in abundance. And not only because I (and others) might have wanted to READ all those new things that you would write. I am so sorry that the weight of the world has descended on you like this.
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Ben Peek
User: benpeek
Date: 2013-06-30 00:59 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
*hug*
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Lethran: Angel
User: gwyd
Date: 2013-06-30 04:08 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:Angel
*hugs*
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asakiyume
User: asakiyume
Date: 2013-06-30 05:19 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
You are very charismatic even now--speaking as someone whose whole acquaintance with you has only been in these past view weeks (months? I have no sense of time). But yes. I heartily wish you have had your full energy, charisma, busy-ness, health, and life.
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Kari Sperring
User: la_marquise_de_
Date: 2013-06-30 15:46 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I really wish I could take on some of this for you. I'd do it in a heartbeat. I want those things for you too.
Much love.
Kari
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kellymccullough
User: kellymccullough
Date: 2013-06-30 16:02 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
That's what I want for you too.
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