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The Teddy Bear Gun Voting Poll Is Open - Lakeshore
An author of no particular popularity

Jay Lake
Date: 2006-05-09 19:48
Subject: The Teddy Bear Gun Voting Poll Is Open
Security: Public
Tags:contest, lj, poll
The Teddy Bear Gun voting poll is open. Fame, fortune and valuable prizes await the winner. Read through the entries under the first cut, then vote for your favorite in the poll. I'll hold this open, probably through the weekend. Ballot box stuffing and smart-aleck remarks in comments encouraged. (In fact, I'll give a special prize to the snarkiest/funniest comment.) Poll winner gets their choice of an ARC of Trial of Flowers when it becomes available, or a copy of my extremely limited edition dark erotica chapbook, Loving Julius. Ties to be settled by the_child as necessary.

The entries for the Teddy Bear Gun contest.




sartorias

Just so we're on the same page--you are ordering me to assassinate God with a teddy bear gun?




coolmajaka

She was my replacement, now doubt, with her fresh, fluffy fur, unmarred button eyes that reflected the shafts of light leaking through the cracks of the toy box, and joints that moved freely -- still, she was beautiful, and I wanted her to pop my teddy bear gun.




frogworth

He's too far gone to keep his subconscious under control; try as he might, schoogirls bring out the worst in him, and thoughts of innocence come with thoughts of violence: "teddy bear" -- "gun!" -- teddy, sexy lingerie, rip it off, bare, oh so bare, and no, not that please, but scenes from Tetsuo II flash before him, and every time the play becomes murder, the teddy bear becomes the gun.




prairie_kittin

Tucking the innocent looking teddy bear gun under her arm, Fawn determinedly
crossed the parking lot to the institution.




casacorona

Today is picnic day: if I take my teddy bear gun, perhaps I'll make it through till dark.




pabba

I would have shot the bastard with my teddy bear gun if the blasted thing hadn't been hugging my arm all cuddlelike.




saycestsay

"Bag my limit today," the girl bragged, cradling her teddy bear gun, "if'n I can find that there teddy bear picnic."




jennreese

Our only chance of survival was the fabled Teddy Bear Gun and its ancient army of plush fury; but, after everything I'd been through, would I prove cuddly enough to wield it?




(JeffV)

Teddy Bear Gun shot off Gumster's legs using his namesake and then hauled ass in the SUV.




gvdub

One bright glass eye still mocking him from amidst the ragged chunks of cheap polyester fluff that littered the floor, Albert Gund leaned down to dislodge the plastic teeth from his ankle and silently thanked his secretary, Velma, for insisting that he bring his teddy bear gun to the old warehouse.




jess_ka

Luscious Terlingua kept a teddy bear gun in her knapsack; Jonas has seen her use it once, taking out the eye of a neighborhood Raz with a little diamond beebee shot from the teddy's paw.




kradical

As soon as the giant trench-coat-wearing ferret burst into the community theatre brandishing a teddy-bear gun and threatening to bop the leading lady to death if he didn't get a helicopter to Fresno right now, Manfred knew that this was not going to be a good day.




akirlu

Akimbo over the small, fuzzy corpse still oozing fiberfill onto the sidewalk, Barney holstered his teddy bear gun and re-set his hat to a more rakish angle.




klingonguy

The alien god baby's physiology had shrugged off the poisoned strained peas, and its telekinetically hardened dermis hadn't even noticed the exploding C-4 rattle; the Earth's only remaining hope was that the little bastard would blow its brains out while playing with the hair-trigger, teddy bear gun I'd slipped into his crib.




devonmonk

I leveled the teddy bear gun at the mob of orphans who slowly marched down the street--a snotty-nosed army driven by hunger and pain--said a brief, forbidden prayer, and fired the nerve-gas filled toy into the crowd.




floatingtide

The nightmare goons came through my the door fighting each other to get at me first -- they looked like one creature all spine, hook-teeth and rubbery arms -- but I know how to handle nightmares; I planted my feet, smiled at the biggest goon, and drew my teddy bear gun.




mtrimm1

Suki's teddy bear gun misfired; the shredded remains of a stuffed pink panda draped the bride's shoulders, dripping fluffy entrails down the front of her silk kimono.




joshrountree

I cursed my new fluffy hide and mourned my rapidly fading cynicism; just my luck -- the fricking teddy bear gun backfired.




lotus_faerie

The display window lured me into the store, as always: the most adorable little pink teddy bear anyone could imagine sat in a tube on a red velvet background, and the caption, decorated with pink-and-red broken hearts, read, "The teddy bear gun: how to put an end to annoying, lovey-dovey couples who need to get a room on the worst of all Hallmark holidays."




oneminutemonkey

Though I've faced down homicidal gnomes, rampaging snow golems, persnickety Faerie queens and much worse in my short career as a P.I., nothing, and I do mean nothing, could have prepared me for the surreal horror of the Velveteen Rabbit and his teddy-bear gun.




stevenagy

Hunter X, deep in the woods with Hunter T, stumbles across a bear.

"Teddy! Bear! Gun!"




etcet

With Martek preoccupied by transforming the angry mob into a flock of sheep, it fell to Kart, his hands shaking with fear and excitement, to try and level his Master's teddy bear gun at the great beast guarding the portcullis before it took him from behind.




lisamantchev

"Go ahead, Santa." I leveled my HK USC tactical .45 caliber Teddy Bear Carbine at his crimson-upholstered chest. "Make my day."




sidravitale

The manager made another note on a lengthening list, the words 'Smith' and 'Wesson' easily readable even upside down, then continued, "now then, for your little one, sir? Which did you settle on, the teddy bear gun, or the My Little Pony?"

There was a tug on Iron Jim's jacket, with an accompanying "Daddy?" and the biggest blue eyes in the world caught his. He swung Charlie up into his arms, "c'mere, pumpkin", breathing her little-girl scent that was like nothing else. Even better than spent powder, that smell. She was the greatest gift in the world, and he had money to burn, today, after that job.

"Nothing but the best for my princess." He told her with mock sternness. They rubbed noses in an Eskimo kiss and she giggled, tickled. Jim turned to the manager. "We'll take both."




bridget_coila

The teddy bear gun was all out of ammunition and Dirk was eyeing the kitten with a wicked gleam in his eye.




cathemery

"Thet teddy bear gun getcha," Magda cooed, holding the toy from behind and moving its arms with her long fingers so that it seemed to be grabbing the baby's nose. "Gunna getcha, getcha."

I leaned over the crib, putting my head close to hers, and muttered, "Mom, don't talk that in front of my college-educated, good-looking, filthy rich date or I'll string you up by your apron after he's gone."




ehuscribbles

After the description of the priest's body on the nave floor, the cops report detailed the Pooh Bear doll in total cowboy regalia, red felt hat, vest and white holsters and belt, perched on the shoulders of the eight foot Christ on the crucifix, with the teddy bear gun aimed at Christ's left ear.




mkhobson

The report of a lone teddy bear gun shattered the silence of Dealey Plaza; secret-service men scrambled, but no one imagined the assassin's bullet had come from the direction of Sally O'Halloran, aged eight, and the deep-cover Steiff operative cradled gently in her arms.




(law)

I had to wonder, and not for the first time, at the wisdom of emancipating AIs when my son Toby's favorite furry little bastard fixed me with its beady-bright eyes, patted its holster, and chirped, "Teddy bear gun. 'Mendment two. Look it up."




willyumtx

Teddy bear gun, fully loaded; Barney poison spray, primed and ready; Hello Kitty throwing knives, sharpened and sheathed; and explosive alphabet blocks, snug in their protective pouch.

Such an arsenal explains why Lisa is the best child-assassin in the orbital colonies.




timalyne

With the purple teddy bear gun tucked under one arm, and the cordless phone cradled between chin and shoulder, I washed dishes while I waited on hold.




gvdub

Soaking the wood shaving stuffed children's toys in a mixture of sulfuric and nitric acids while carefully preparing his low heat drying oven, Frederick Augustus Abel realized that the French would never be prepared for the power of the mighty teddy bear gun.




gvdub

The smell of charred polyester clung to the battlefield like the morning-after miasma of a bad disco bar, while the scavengers picked through the blackened kapok residue for the bloody buttons and glass beads that were the deadly shrapnel of the teddy bear gun.




carnwrite

Alas, the awesome power of Rolf's teddy bear gun came to bear not upon the army of shrunken, leering dolls advancing menacingly toward him, but upon Rolf himself, peppering him with an assortment of sightless black eyes, button noses, and a dense cloud of soft, pink fur.




khaybee

As he reached through the clinging cobwebs and disturbed the thick layer of dust accumulated on the shelf, he pondered how the buildup itself somehow proved that no one- no one sane anyway- actually believed the teddy bear gun would ever need to be weilded again.




danjite

Looking at the wild array of threatening tools displayed there on the wall- tacked up not unlike the decapitated elk and deer heads in the other rooms, but all the more suave with the full-spectrum, indirect lighting- he perused the little plastic signs bolted in front of each of the- what he presumed- were specialized rifles and pistols of the modern, Hollywood/Burbank assassin.

The Ljutic Space pistol had always fascinated him- though a forty-four magnum, it was completely recoilless. Granted, calling something 4 feet long a "pistol" always seemed slightly assumptive to his .38 snubnose Smith and Wesson tastes. In this display of hardware however, the Ljutic looked as common as Dick Cheney at an all-white country club.

Operating the "Teddy Bear Gun" would clearly be no picnic- it's whole barrel big around as a Thompson sub-machine gun's ammo drum, it's stock a friendly glossy pink and as thick and square as a box of poptarts- was it to attack or defend against plushies? It was just to the side of the Gund gun, in an area where the lighting was flickering with the telltale frequency of a bad-transformer, that he noticed the flat, bluish steel barrel, collapsible, skeletal stock and checkerboard-scored, filed, brown plastic grip on the one that was tagged "Peter Gunn". The words on that little sign suddenly got his forebrain to register a theme that had already put his hindbrain in a less-than-cerebral attitude.

It was time to elephant walk out of there.




danjite

Operating the "Teddy Bear Gun" would clearly be no picnic- it's whole barrel big around as a Thompson sub-machine gun's ammo drum, it's stock a friendly glossy pink and as thick and square as a box of poptarts- whether it was it to attack or defend against animate, perhaps undead plushies he never would find out, but the nightmares about such things would haunt worse than those three lost days he spent in Vegas with Angelique Pettijohn back in '74.




ellenscult

"Of course this will work," said Roo confidently, framing Winnie in the sight of his teddy bear gun.




johnbowker

"You've got to be careful with those 18-year-olds," the bartender had warned me the night before, but until I came to a most disagreeable consciousness that morning, the rage in her pale eyes a numbing contrast to the the dark impassive bore of the Japanese-import teddy bear gun she cocked with cold efficiency, I didn't realize, both with scotch and with women, just how good that advice was.




roadknight

Mike nervously fingered his teddybear gun, hands blindly stuffing the beanbag bears into the magazine even though he'd seen no further indication that the hoarde was still about, his eyes fitfully scanning what remained of the Build-A-Bear Workshop Store #137, pausing briefly, painfully over the ruins of the Steak Escape at the edge of the food court where Elissa had bought it only an hour ago.




roadknight

"The Employee belongs to an elite order, a hallowed subcategory. When they gave him the job @ Build-A-Bear Workshop #137, they gave him a teddybear gun..."




(Andrew Wheeler)

There comes a time in every PLUSHIE agent's life when he's tempted -- sorely tempted -- to eat his teddy bear gun. But Heironymous Ermintrude never thought it would happen to his partner at noon in the middle of the Salt Lake City Denny's.




lonp

"Teddy Bear gun getcha," Uncle Daddy whispered, just barely loud enough for Steph to hear him over the twack of flip-flops striking the scaly soles of his feet.




jtdiii

It takes a brave toddler to stare down a rampaging plushie, but Timmy was ready, he had on his best footie pajamas and he had his teddy bear gun, tonight Snuggles was getting it right between his glassy eyes.




burger_eater

Once, in a long-lost, more innocent time, a "teddy bear gun" was a novelty toy that catapulted a soft and fuzzy stuffed animal to the laughter and delight of small children, but no more....




dr_phil_physics

Ever since the three boys had summoned the demon, it had laid waste to the countryside. Nothing seemed to stop it, though the police, the local survivalists and a National Guard unit had tried every weapon in their considerable arsenals.

But Carl had a different approach. "I've seen this before," he said, bringing forth an old wooden box three-and-a-half feet long and eight inches high, with great brass hinges and fittings. "You don't fight evil with the Devil's own tools -- you'll always lose. Instead, you fight evil with peaceful dreams."

And with that Carl opened the box with a flourish and withdrew the teddy bear gun.




goulo

"Teddy - bear gun?"

Roosevelt nodded. "Give it, before that varmint gets away!"




scarlettina

Jake walked into the room, a rifle in one hand and a novel in the other. Theodore looked up from the book he was reading. Jake waved each item a bit as he said: "Teddy, bear gun or Shogun?"




gooddamon

Inspector Ned Burkroy lit up a cigarette, took a long puff, and let out a smoker's wheezy sigh. "It's the collectors that really bother me, Alan," he said finally. Little blue curls of acrid smoke drifted from the corners of his mouth, and settled in my police-issue jacket, where the smell would linger for weeks.

I don't like smokers as a rule, but I liked Inspector Burkroy. I suppressed a chuckle. "Collectors. That's a good word for them."

And it was. In addition to the blood, the condemned apartment practically overflowed with junk. On one wall, someone had carefully pinned or glued a teddy bear, gun (it looked like a Wild West replica of some kind) several pieces of unidentifiable meat (which had me wondering), posters, broken DVDs, some mail, pieces of a rubik's cube, necklaces (which also made me wonder) and so on.

The whole mess was spattered in gore and the little chunks that kept me up at night. The fluffy little teddy bear had, at one time, been white or cream-colored.

I was always glad for Ned's presence on these cases. Sometimes, his jokes or wry comments were the only things that kept me from running out screaming.




kenscholes

On Tuesday morning, the Little Anarchists of St. Costello stormed the Church of the Right Mind headquarters armed with yo-yo razors, teddy bear guns and electric jello grenades. As they fought their way into the building, they whistled the Costello Death Anthem in perfect harmony. They even broke out in its rousing chorus, shouting the words, when they pie-cannoned the new messiah and torched the propaganda box.

They laughed and broke out marshmallows while the cathedral burned.




The voting for the Teddy Bear Gun contest.

Poll #725887 Teddy Bear Gun

Which is the best use of the term "Teddy Bear Gun"?

sartorias: Just so we're on the same page--you are ordering me to assassinate God with a teddy bear gun?
4(4.2%)
coolmajaka: She was my replacement, now doubt, with her fresh, fluffy fur, unmarred button eyes that [snip]
2(2.1%)
frogworth: He's too far gone to keep his subconscious under control; try as he might, schoogirls bring [snip]
1(1.1%)
prairie_kittin: Tucking the innocent looking teddy bear gun under her arm, Fawn determinedly crossed [snip]
1(1.1%)
casacorona: Today is picnic day: if I take my teddy bear gun, perhaps I'll make it through till dark.
2(2.1%)
pabba: I would have shot the bastard with my teddy bear gun if the blasted thing hadn't been hugging [snip]
1(1.1%)
saycestsay: "Bag my limit today," the girl bragged, cradling her teddy bear gun, "if'n I can find that there teddy bear picnic."
6(6.3%)
jennreese: Our only chance of survival was the fabled Teddy Bear Gun and its ancient army of plush fury;[snip]
1(1.1%)
(JeffV): Teddy Bear Gun shot off Gumster's legs using his namesake and then hauled ass in the SUV.
0(0.0%)
gvdub: One bright glass eye still mocking him from amidst the ragged chunks of cheap polyester fluff that littered [snip]
4(4.2%)
jess_ka: Luscious Terlingua kept a teddy bear gun in her knapsack; Jonas has seen her use it once, taking out the eye[snip]
1(1.1%)
kradical: As soon as the giant trench-coat-wearing ferret burst into the community theatre brandishing a teddy-bear gun[snip]
13(13.7%)
akirlu: Akimbo over the small, fuzzy corpse still oozing fiberfill onto the sidewalk, Barney holstered his teddy bear gun[snip]
0(0.0%)
klingonguy: The alien god baby's physiology had shrugged off the poisoned strained peas, and its telekinetically [snip]
3(3.2%)
devonmonk: I leveled the teddy bear gun at the mob of orphans who slowly marched down the street--a snotty-nosed [snip]
2(2.1%)
floatingtide: The nightmare goons came through my the door fighting each other to get at me first -- they looked [snip]
1(1.1%)
mtrimm1: Suki's teddy bear gun misfired; the shredded remains of a stuffed pink panda draped the bride's shoulders, [snip]
1(1.1%)
joshrountree: I cursed my new fluffy hide and mourned my rapidly fading cynicism; just my luck -- [snip] backfired.
4(4.2%)
lotus_faerie: The display window lured me into the store, as always: the most adorable little pink teddy bear anyone [snip]
4(4.2%)
oneminutemonkey: Though I've faced down homicidal gnomes, rampaging snow golems, persnickety Faerie queens [snip]
2(2.1%)
stevenagy: Hunter X, deep in the woods with Hunter T, stumbles across a bear.[snip]
1(1.1%)
etcet: With Martek preoccupied by transforming the angry mob into a flock of sheep, it fell to Kart, his hands shaking [snip]
1(1.1%)
lisamantchev: "Go ahead, Santa." I leveled my HK USC tactical .45 caliber Teddy Bear Carbine at his crimson-upholstered [snip]
2(2.1%)
sidravitale: The manager made another note on a lengthening list, the words 'Smith' and 'Wesson' easily readable [snip]
0(0.0%)
bridget_coila: The teddy bear gun was all out of ammunition and Dirk was eyeing the kitten with a wicked gleam in his eye.
2(2.1%)
cathemery: "Thet teddy bear gun getcha," Magda cooed, holding the toy from behind and moving its arms [snip]
0(0.0%)
ehuscribbles: After the description of the priest's body on the nave floor, the cops report detailed the Pooh Bear doll [snip]
0(0.0%)
mkhobson: The report of a lone teddy bear gun shattered the silence of Dealey Plaza; secret-service men scrambled, [snip]
2(2.1%)
(law): I had to wonder, and not for the first time, at the wisdom of emancipating AIs when my son Toby's favorite furry little bastard [snip]
2(2.1%)
willyumtx: Teddy bear gun, fully loaded; Barney poison spray, primed and ready; Hello Kitty throwing knives, sharpened and sheathed; [snip]
1(1.1%)
timalyne: With the purple teddy bear gun tucked under one arm, and the cordless phone cradled between chin and shoulder, I washed dishes while I waited on hold.
1(1.1%)
gvdub: Soaking the wood shaving stuffed children's toys in a mixture of sulfuric and nitric acids while carefully preparing his [snip]
0(0.0%)
gvdub: The smell of charred polyester clung to the battlefield like the morning-after miasma of a bad disco bar, [snip]
0(0.0%)
carnwrite: Alas, the awesome power of Rolf's teddy bear gun came to bear not upon the army of shrunken, leering dolls [snip]
1(1.1%)
khaybee: As he reached through the clinging cobwebs and disturbed the thick layer of dust accumulated on the shelf, [snip]
1(1.1%)
danjite: Looking at the wild array of threatening tools displayed there on the wall- tacked up not unlike the decapitated elk [snip]
1(1.1%)
danjite: Operating the "Teddy Bear Gun" would clearly be no picnic- it's whole barrel big around as a Thompson sub-machine gun's [snip]
0(0.0%)
ellenscult: "Of course this will work," said Roo confidently, framing Winnie in the sight of his teddy bear gun.
3(3.2%)
johnbowker: "You've got to be careful with those 18-year-olds," the bartender had warned me the night before, but until I came to [snip]
17(17.9%)
roadknight: Mike nervously fingered his teddybear gun, hands blindly stuffing the beanbag bears into the magazine even though [snip]
0(0.0%)
roadknight: "The Employee belongs to an elite order, a hallowed subcategory. When they gave him the job @ Build-A-Bear Workshop #137, they gave him a teddybear gun..."
0(0.0%)
(Andrew Wheeler): There comes a time in every PLUSHIE agent's life when he's tempted -- sorely tempted -- to eat his teddy bear gun. [snip]
1(1.1%)
lonp: "Teddy Bear gun getcha," Uncle Daddy whispered, just barely loud enough for Steph to hear him over the twack of flip-flops striking the scaly soles of his feet.
2(2.1%)
jtdiii: It takes a brave toddler to stare down a rampaging plushie, but Timmy was ready, he had on his best footie pajamas [snip]
0(0.0%)
burger_eater: Once, in a long-lost, more innocent time, a "teddy bear gun" was a novelty toy that catapulted a soft and fuzzy [snip]
0(0.0%)
dr_phil_physics: Ever since the three boys had summoned the demon, it had laid waste to the countryside. Nothing seemed to stop it, [snip]
0(0.0%)
goulo: "Teddy - bear gun?" Roosevelt nodded. "Give it, before that varmint gets away!"
1(1.1%)
scarlettina: Jake walked into the room, a rifle in one hand and a novel in the other. Theodore looked up from the book [snip]
0(0.0%)
gooddamon: Inspector Ned Burkroy lit up a cigarette, took a long puff, and let out a smoker's wheezy sigh. [snip]
1(1.1%)
kenscholes: On Tuesday morning, the Little Anarchists of St. Costello stormed the Church of the Right Mind headquarters armed with yo-yo razors, teddy bear guns [snip]
2(2.1%)


Post A Comment | 10 Comments | Share | Link






User: (Anonymous)
Date: 2006-05-10 14:15 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Everyone else was dead, I would’ve strolled right out, I could have made it, gotten clear of there and been a legend—but for that damn little kid and his smucking teddy bear gun.
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Sean P. Fodera
User: delkytlar
Date: 2006-05-10 18:34 (UTC)
Subject: Non-entry (but couldn't resist)
The blast took Osama's head clear off. Gibbs lay on his back in a puddle of coffee, watching as the terrorist's body fell over the railing. When he heard the splash of the molten metal below, he turned to stare into the still smoking eye of the teddy bear gun that had saved his life.

"I don't suppose your farting hippo has any secret functions I should know about, does it Abs?" he asked.

Abby grinned impishly, "None you should know about, Gibbs."
Reply | Thread | Link



Co-conspirator of Squee
User: muffyjo
Date: 2006-05-10 19:34 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
For no better reason than that he bore the same name for the third generation, vegan environmentalist, Theodore Albedore Wellington, III inherited his Alaskan grandfather's rare and priceless "Teddy Bear Gun" collection.
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Co-conspirator of Squee
User: muffyjo
Date: 2006-05-10 19:53 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I suppose more editing would have improved it...I rather prefer "Vegan environmentalist, Theodore Albedore Wellington, III inherited his Alaskan grandfather's rare and priceless "Teddy Bear Gun" collection."

But hey, one helluva way to drop by and say hello after all this time, eh? I hear you are doing fun things since our employment adventures lo those many years ago?!
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Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2006-05-11 01:41 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I am doing fun things, but I haven't deciphered your handle. Where did we work...?
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Co-conspirator of Squee
User: muffyjo
Date: 2006-05-11 01:46 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
In a company run by John, Mia and Steve.
You know me by the last part of my handle and my last name (which I prefer not to list publicly)
You even gave me a few stories to read.
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Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2006-05-11 01:50 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Gotcha! Hello.
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Co-conspirator of Squee
User: muffyjo
Date: 2006-05-11 01:53 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Hee! Hey there. :) We can catch up via e-mail? The one listed on my LJ account works.
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Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2006-05-11 01:58 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Ping me at jlake@jlake.com...
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Insert Pithy Comment Here
User: mariannelee
Date: 2006-05-10 21:41 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
It's too bad you couldn't do a poll that let people choose their favorite three. I think you might get a clearer win that way.
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