![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) calendula_witch ably describes our weekend at Points North amongst her family and the fields of her youth. A marvelous time was had by all, albeit somewhat intense. I took a number of photos, but have just discovered I have the wrong card reader with me tonight, so they will remain inaccessible a while longer.
My day consisted of starting in Mendocino County, CA, being driven down to SFO by calendula_witch, flying to PDX, being met by the_child and tillyjane in the Genre car, dropping tillyjane off at her place, then driving to Pacific County, WA to my parents' beach house. So, erm, 5+ hours in the car and 3+ hours in airport and airplanes. Whew.
Beach house for a week (working the Day Jobbe from here as well as forging ahead on Endurance), then Omaha, then back to San Francisco and calendula_witch on the 17th.
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It's amazing how time flies by when you get up at 3:40 in the morning. And that was me sleeping in... It's barely past noon and here's what I've accomplished so far today:
- Exercised
- Morning blog roll
- Shower (with hair wash, takes a while)
- Two and half hours on Endurance
- Cooked breakfast for self
- Worked on story critique for two friends
- Had a sweet phone call with calendula_witch
- Submitted the final story for The Sky That Wraps
- Caught up on email
- Went to grocery store
- Did laundry
- Made week's salad and lemonade/limeade
- Cooked lunch for self, the_child and her friend I—
- Changed clothes for the Scholes baby shower
Shortly, off to the baby shower with the_child and tillyjane. Dinner with evening with saycestsay, and a possible camillealexa sighting. Tomorrow, more Endurance, a Father's Day Brunch with the usual suspects, some cancer paperwork for my upcoming second opinion appointment, a final pass through Iron Springs critique, draft another Tor.com blog post and read through calendula_witch's Nightcraft Mother dailies to date. Week to come: Doctor's appointment Monday. calendula_witch arrives Wednesday. MRI Thursday. Then off to Iron Springs!
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| 2009-06-19 14:32 |
| [travel] Home again, somewhat to my surprise |
| Public |
| books, california, child, china, endurance, escapement, mainspring, portland, travel, writing |
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After a day of incipient but unrealized travel fail, I am home. Three segment flight. Slept through one, wrote through the other two. Got 6,600 words knocked out in 2.25 hours on Endurance. I doubt I'll do more today, but I might be inspired this evening, so I'm not calling that the total yet.
In the Denver airport I spotted a mmpb of Mainspring, which was new from last Monday when the same store had only an mmpb of Escapement. That means the book is still being (re)ordered and (re)stocked fourteen months after its release, in airport bookstores, which are notoriously competitive ecosystems. This one had maybe 300 sf/f titles. I'm proud of my little book.
Also, ran into old friends in the San Francisco airport, coming back to Portland on the last leg of their move-home-from-three-years-living-in-China flight. What is it with me in that airport?
Have a therapist appointment soon, then a dinner with (different) visiting friends, then an early evening of it. kenscholes and jens_fire's baby shower tomorrow, to which I am taking tillyjane and the_child. Looks like a dinner tomorrow night with saycestsay. And of course, more bookage.
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I promised an update on the emotional journey of the past week or two, and so, here it is.
First of all, the big secret which should surprise no one. I am not brave. I am not fearless. I am an arrant, craven coward who loves my life beyond reason. The measured, thoughtful responses you've seen from about my cancer have been real, but they haven't been the whole story by a long shot.
I spent over an hour last night in calendula_witch's arms, sobbing. I cycle through outbursts of fear, grief and rage. Though in truth, most of the time I'm fine, and I can even go a day or two at a time without thinking of it. Much.
No matter what this is, it's very early stage. Even at the worst case, my personal numbers are much better than the medical statistics. As my mother said, I've never been at the center of the bell curve in my life, why would I start now? And we're a long way from worst case. The lung spot is just as likely to be a scar. The lymph activity could have been a transient infection. The liver is the most difficult to explain away, but it's also not fuly confirmed.
If I come out of this clean, I'm going to be embarrassed as hell. But embarrassed beats the hot snot out of surgery and chemo. By the same token, surgery and chemo beat the burning bile out of continuing down the cancer road untreated.
So where have I been? In some dark places and some very bright ones. My fundamental nature is quite positive. I can go pretty 'splat', but I always bounce back up. I cope by looking over the darkest edges, then walking back from there. These edges are pretty damned dark. But the love of my family and friends, of the_child and calendula_witch, of my virtual community and total strangers: that carries me a long way.
Maybe this will come out clean now, all turn into a combination of scanning errors and the mighty power of coincidence. I hope for that, but I can't afford to think it, to plan for it. That's not where the main chance lies right now. I have to look ahead and sort through what will happen next.
In other words, a short and winding road with a lot of weird emotional weather, but some very bright lights and brilliant hearts serving as my guide.
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For those playing along with the home game version of "Where's Jay", the next few weeks have slipped into startling complexity. In brief:
6/15-6/19 Omaha, NE
6/19-6/25 Portland, OR
6/25-6/28 Iron Springs, WA (with calendula_witch)
6/28-6/29 Portland, OR
6/29-7/5 San Francisco, CA (with calendula_witch)
7/5-7/12 Ocean Park, WA (with the_child)
And, of course, working two hours every day on Endurance as I go along.
I'm currently scheduled to go to Omaha 7/13-7/17, then back to San Francisco 7/17-7/21, but that's all a bit iffy depending on where medical stuff goes. In that vein, I have cancer-related appointments of various kinds on 6/19, 6/22, 6/25 and 6/30. By early July we'll hopefully have a much better idea of what comes next on the cancer front, which in turn will govern whether I make it to WorldCon and so forth.
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Occasionally one has something resembling a normal day. calendula_witch and I had a nice sleep-in (by my 4 am getting-up standards, anyway), then we toddled off for breakfast with kenscholes and jens_fire, along with the Scholes twins still in their EZ-Bake Oven. After that we took a leisurely drive through the city, then spent a couple of hours Being Writers. I got 2,700 words in on the first draft of Endurance, she edited another chapter of Nightcraft Mother. Then we went out with the_child for a ninety-minute walk, followed by a ninety-minute nap. With bonus book reading! I finished The Hallowed Hunt. Now saddling up for dinner out.
It's kind of like having a normal life. Friends, writing, the_child, exercise, good food.
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Slept in a bit, then rolled up to see calendula_witch off for her return to San Francisco. Her plane was horribly late getting out, but we didn't realize that til after I said good-bye her at security. It was great to have her here for JayCon, which was awesome. So good to see old friends and new.
the_child and I are off shortly to a car show with K— and a friend of hers. That will make for a nice afternoon. Back this evening for writing and more bloggy goodness.
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Today I am 45 years old. Whee!
Last night Mom and Dad took me, calendula_witch and K— out to the Chart House immediately on our return from San Francisco. The three of us stayed up too late after, as is customary.
Walkies this morning with the_child, then a few minor errands, then JayCon [ jlake.com | LiveJournal ] starting at 1 pm today. You all have fun today. I know I will.
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the_child and I shot some derelict railway equipment during our father-daughter day on Saturday. This is rolling stock and equipment associated with the Portland Traction Railway, a very small spur line in this area which runs active freight and passenger excursion operations.
( Some photos... )
As usual, more at the Flickr set.
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About to have a father-daughter day with the_child. No really big plans, just time together, but this will almost certainly include swimming, and some sort of urban photo safari.
At the end of the day, the_child heads off to a dress rehearsal for her upcoming extreme theatre troupe performances, while I have a picnic with K— and her housemate, then we're going to a revue.
So, no writing or further blogging today, methinks. In fact, get out of the house, you guys.
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Today:
- exercised
- worked full day of day jobbe
- had dental appointment for x-rays and cleaning
- lunched with parents
- had hair appointment
- took the_child to her extreme theatre troupe
- took the_child to school for her class play
- watched the_child's class play
Why am I tired?
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Had a session with my therapist yesterday. I'll be seeing quite a bit of him for a while. Also had the Cancer Talk, Year Two with the_child. Which was far less traumatic than I'd expected, though she does have a tendency to run silent and deep on the Big Stuff, then come back later with some astonishingly lateral insights and questions. At my therapist's recommendation, I think I'll be reaching out to Mother of the Child's zen master for some instruction on meditation. (Yes, MotC really does have a zen master, Soto Zen sect for those of you who care about such things. I'm friends with the Reverend as well.)
Had an outbreak of the Fear yesterday morning driving back from the gym. That was a little rough. Near-hysterics do not mix well with traveling 40 mph on a narrow road with no place to pull off. But the top was down and REM's "Drive" was on the CD player, so, well, there I was. I'm also having no trouble already seeing the gifts even this year's cancer is giving me, but that sliver of wisdom is being offset by my general anger at the whole thing.
Callbacks are now late from both my cancer doctor's scheduler and the cancer case management people at my health insurance carrier. I'll launch followup calls today. calendula_witch continues to be a bedrock of loving support. K—, kenscholes and all my friends and family likewise. If love could cure cancer, I'd be the healthiest son of a bitch in North America.
More when it happens.
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Since I've been quite frank about my experiences in these New Adventures in Cancer, I thought I'd lay out where my head is today. A very long walk on the Papillion Creek Trail gave me plenty of time to sort through what I'm thinking and feeling, inasmuch as that's possible right now.
First off, I am intensely relieved to have the potential cancers down to just the liver anomalies. My colon's continuing attempts to kill me are very much at issue, but that's not a battle I need to fight today. Hopefully the lymphatic stuff will stay firmly in the "false alarm" category. The liver stuff will suck, a lot, but it's constrained. At the same time, I'm also very angry about it. I think this is a healthy anger, falling somewhere between "borderline psychotic will to live" and "kill them all, God will know His own." Part of what I need to stay mentally, emotionally and physiologically motivated to beat these little tumorous fuckers to death.
Secondly, I'm realizing that the battle of the colon will be a continuing process. Part of how I coped with last year's Excellent Cancer Adventure was by unconsciously assuming that it was a one-time event, an anomaly, and that I'd return to a normal existence at some point. Clearly this is not the case. This is resetting my emotional horizons in fundamental ways. I have been planning my life in decades, assuming at least til age 70 for active, productive healthy daily existence, and at least age 80 for reasonable health and productivity. While that's not off the menu — everything going on now is controllable — my risk factors are going to be much higher than the general population for the foreseeable future. It's not that I think I'm going to die young. It's that I know I might. So my sense of living for the day, already very strong since last year's struggle, has been sharpened. I grow monsters in my gut, and sooner or later one of them may kill me. I can live with that, I just need to live in the now, however long the now turns out to be.
Third, the outpouring of love, support and affection here on the blogs, via Twitter, via email, via telephone, in person — it has been overwhelming. Sort of like going to my own funeral, Tom Sawyer style. I have not even pretended to keep up with everyone, for which I am sorry. I want to say the sense of community has been a very powerful part of my ability to weather this experience thus far, and will be a critical aspect of these next phases of the process. Thank you, everyone.
Meanwhile, life goes on. I have been working with casacorona to ensure that Pinion stays on track, even if I'm in surgical recovery or chemotherapy. calendula_witch will handle the CEM if needed, likewise galleys. The Day Jobbe is being very supportive and constructive. My family is ready to fight tigers for me. the_child and her mother are giving me close, loving support. I will need a turnstile and a door warden to manage my friends if I am laid up in the hospital or at Nuevo Rancho Lake for a while. kenscholes and K— are being dear beyond measure in propping both me and calendula_witch up. calendula_witch and I are looking at our near and mid-term plans to make sure we can do everything we need to, and keep me properly cared for as required. After last year, I know how to do this. Not the kind of experience I'd wish on anybody, but I've had it, so I may as well use it.
Thank you, every one. And most especially, thank you to calendula_witch, kenscholes and K—. I love you all.
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| 2009-05-16 10:30 |
| [personal] Saturday unfolds |
| Public |
| calendula, california, cancer, cheese, child, conventions, family, omaha, personal, portland, travel |
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calendula_witch, the_child and I are off to do Saturday things. Some shopping, some hanging around, a cheese expedition.
We're winding up at my parents' about 5 for a cancer party with Mom and Dad, tillyjane (my other mother), lillypond, The Niece, The Niece's dad and his sweetie, kenscholes, jens_fire (and onboard twins!), and the delightful K—.
calendula_witch is back to San Francisco tomorrow morning. I'm off to Omaha on Monday, then Delaware on Wednesday (anyone down for dinner in Dover Wednesday night?), then San Francisco next Friday so calendula_witch and I can hit BayCon. Cancer news when I have it; still waiting on the PET scan results as well as the biopsy on the polyp.
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Not a particularly successful day of followups. Colonoscopy found one medium-sized polyp, in an environment where ideally there should be no polyps, and there certainly shouldn't be polyps of any significant size. Either a small polyp was missed last year, or my colon is growing them aggressively. This implies long term or lifetime followup on a very rigorous schedule, beyond what was anticipated post-operatively, and bodes poorly for my risk factors.
Additionally, a read of last week's CAT scan from my ER admit shows spots on the liver and in several lymph nodes. While these could be imaging artefacts, or have some other significance, liver and lymph are the two metastasis pathways for colon cancer. My screening appointment tomorrow has been converted to a PET scan in an attempt to highlight potential tumor activity in those areas. Will know more from the PET scan over the weekend or early next week.
As my doctor says, this is an ambiguous result, not a negative one. Nonetheless, the Fear is making a roaring comeback in my mind. I'm growing monsters in my gut again.
calendula_witch is being magnificent. So are the_child and Mother of the Child. I just don't want to go further down this road. I'm scared and angry, and tired of being afraid.
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