Well, after working on Pinion, I spent the better part of an hour trying to construct the poll for the new caption contest in WordPress. Score tonight, WordPress 1, Jay 0. So no poll now. And frankly, I don't have the time for this. Not sure when I'm going to get it posted for voting. Grr.
Another Omaha workday tomorrow, another evening of Pinion revisions tomorrow night.
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In my continuing effort to remove myself from being dependent on LiveJournal's increasing issues, I've moved this contest poll over to my WordPress site. Let's try the voting here instead. Usual rules apply, all decisions of the judges are arbitrary and capricious, ties to be settled by ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) the_child.
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One of the best parts about the last couple of days is the flood of comments, emails, IMs and phone calls. Not that I didn't already know y'all love me or anything, but that has helped my spirits immensely. However, some folks distinguished themselves in cracking me up. Which on this blog calls for a contest!
Herewith is a harvest of some comment highlights. Usual rules apply, vote for the one you like best. I'll be sending off a mass market paperback of Mainspring [ Powell's | Amazon thb | Audible ] to the poll winner, personalized with a drawing of my tumor. (Yes, I saw it in the jar before they sent the miserable thing off to the pathology lab.)
Poll #1181370 Die laughing or live sober!
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All What's your favorite comment on my cancer diagnosis?
View Answersdaveraines: Thank goodness it was shaped like macaroni, instead of spaghetti or, God forbid, lasagna.
   30 (24.4%) aliquoricegirl: Who knew there'd be a time when you'd say, "I'm so glad it ulcerated!"
12 (9.8%) lasirenaolce: I can handle the cancer, but if you're going to keep boiling animal heads on the stove, we really have to talk.
25 (20.3%) jeffsoesbe: In a secret underground bunker somewhere near Washington DC, Dick Cheney is not happy. He thought they could get you. He Was Wrong!
10 (8.1%) yourbob: Never underestimate the power of a little blood in the wrong place.
8 (6.5%) martyn44: Nobody would be surprised if you did find a way of Blogging from the hereafter.
12 (9.8%) jennawaterford: Latin words are never happy things to hear from a doctor.
11 (8.9%) klingonguy: Vote those polyps off the island, I say.
3 (2.4%) jonhansen: So, the tattoo is an elder sign, as recommended by Lovecraft to repel the dreaded flying polyps?
6 (4.9%) deedop: Let me know if you need anything. Like construction of a Tubu-villainous Polyp-smiting superhero costume or something...
2 (1.6%) johno: On the plus side of your treatment, you are definitely clean inside and out.
4 (3.3%)
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thexmedic won an ARC of Escapement a while back, which I'm going to send him as soon as I'm home long enough to deal with that. However, the rest of you now have a chance.
Here's the fabulous contest. In either a limerick or a haiku, tell me in comments why you should receive an ARC of Escapement. Props for being mad funny or over the top.
As usual, there will be a voting poll to decide the winner.
I will also invoke judge's discretion and award an Audible.com gift card to my personal favorite. The card can be used for two Audible titles, including Mainspring [ Powell's | Amazon | Audible ] or any other title, including Old Man's War, A War of Gifts: An Ender Story or any of the Dune books.
Note that under these rules, someone might win both prizes...
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At 28 votes, upstart_crow is the runaway winner in the Beef Switch caption contest.
( And the winning caption is... )
As previously announced, upstart_crow win a freebie from Audible.com, which can be used for Mainspring [ Powell's | Amazon | Audible ] or any other title, including Old Man's War, A War of Gifts: An Ender Story or any of the Dune books.
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I'm closing the Beef Caption contest poll tonight. At the moment, upstart_crow is the runaway leader. Today is the last day for ballot stuffing getting in your EUR 0.014.
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This is the voting poll for the caption contest here. Commenters were challenged to coin a snappy caption for ( this beef-related photo. )
Forthwith is the voting poll. Usual rules apply, first prize (after the voting poll) will be a freebie from Audible.com, which can be used for Mainspring [ Powell's | Amazon | Audible ] or any other title, including Old Man's War, A War of Gifts: An Ender Story or any of the Dune books. Additional prizes may be awarded at the judge's sole discretion.
Poll #1116127 The Beef Switch Poll
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All Which is your favorite caption for the above beef-related photo?
View Answersrakdaddy -- "Ready the beef injection!"
0 (0.0%) rakdaddy -- "People thought Orwitz was mad to make meat-related switches, until that fateful day, when Wendy's came calling..."
0 (0.0%) gvdub -- What? It's the Big Electrical Energy Field, okay?
5 (5.0%) martianmooncrab -- Inflatable Cow Station.
0 (0.0%) catsparx -- i can haz chicken too?
0 (0.0%) safewrite -- "Beef. It's what's on tap."
5 (5.0%) kproche -- Bovine Recharge Station: Warning -- connection to male units without proper adapter may result in injury and/or death!
2 (2.0%) gvdub -- And on the 6th Day, you just flip this little switch.
1 (1.0%) upstart_crow -- New York City - Curators at the Metropolitan Museum of Art have recently unveiled Marcel Duchamp's long-lost response to Upton Sinclair's The Jungle.
28 (27.7%) jtdiii -- One typo is all it took to change brewing forever...
9 (8.9%) temporus -- Beef soda. It's what to drink for dinner.
1 (1.0%) (Anonymous) -- So that's what happened to the mad cows.
0 (0.0%) lonfiction -- All cows are equal. But Bionic Cows are more equal than others.
0 (0.0%) kproche -- See? I told you not to connect the chicken to the beef station!
0 (0.0%) gvdub -- After the pig-urkey incident, the cloning switches were clearly labeled.
4 (4.0%) etcet -- "This device was clearly the product of a keenly-focused gustatory intellect. You will notice, Watson, the dearth of other options; the lack of a 'Bacon' setting is particularly telling. I can see your faith in Rosenbaum is shaken."
3 (3.0%) etcet -- "When you go to the caucus, don't forget to set the Complaint toggle. You'll know it when you see it."
3 (3.0%) etcet -- The ignition switch on the gravy train.
1 (1.0%) howeird -- "This, Mrs. Lovett, is only to be used if we run out of judges."
5 (5.0%) dinogrl -- After many years of denial, dave_gallaher finally confessed that he secretly did enjoy bologna daiquiris. We now have the photographic evidence.
2 (2.0%) penghuin -- Hal, what's for dinner?
2 (2.0%) etcet -- Gladys Whipplewhite was perpetually confused when her student interns giggled uncontrollably when asked to "Turn on the injector."
0 (0.0%) agrathea -- When asked why the key didn't seem to be working in the ignition, Betty Sue pointed to the sticker and smiled. "You got the wrong key, Billy."
0 (0.0%) karindira -- "Ladies and Gentlemen, start your beef!"
1 (1.0%) Doc -- The site of Undine Flugelmeyer's famous last words, "What does this button doooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..."
0 (0.0%) yourbob -- Clara Peller finally has her answer.
2 (2.0%) frankwu -- Every time you press the button, God kills a cow.
9 (8.9%) klingonguy -- How Frats Keep Vegans Away From The Keg
9 (8.9%) dandyfunk -- Atomic beef to power. Turbines to speed.
2 (2.0%) mary919 -- The frozen custard stand has a special flavor each day-- you can get it plain or with multi-colored sprinkles.
1 (1.0%) jenntheamazon -- "Mmmm...Beef Slurpy."
1 (1.0%) jenntheamazon -- "WTF...an Off or Beef switch?"
0 (0.0%) frankwu -- My beef. Let me show you it.
5 (5.0%)
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This is the voting poll for the caption contest here. Commenters were challenged to coin a snappy caption for ( this image of your blog host, grabbing air. )
Forthwith is the voting poll. Usual rules apply, fabulous prizes of the book oriented nature abound.
Poll #1097563 Grabbing Air
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All Which is your favorite caption for the above photo?
View Answerswill_couvillier: Spider!?!? Holy Shit, WHAT spider!?!
8 (7.1%) corvida: invisible lucha libre!
3 (2.7%) desperance: Jay Lake, official floatsperson for the Natural Law Party, demonstrates Yogic Flying...
2 (1.8%) kara_gnome: Fun. It's a serious business.
4 (3.6%) barry_short: Conrunner hint #47: Take Jay Lake to a Mexican restaurant at your own risk.
5 (4.5%) jenntheamazon: "It's a Bird! It's a plane! No! It's Jay Lake!"
2 (1.8%) jenntheamazon: "Please let me land on the bed....please let me land on the bed.... OWWW!"
2 (1.8%) jenntheamazon: "My shirts give me super powers, see?"
1 (0.9%) kradical: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere I come to save the daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
41 (36.6%) controuble: Mainspring over mattress
5 (4.5%) yourbob: The Unbearable Lightness of Being Jay Lake
9 (8.0%) johno: Heeeeeyyyyyyyy!!!!!! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!! Flying Toast Butt Attack!!!!!
1 (0.9%) cithra: It's just a jump to the left, and then a step to the...uh, maybe a little less jump next time.
3 (2.7%) evaleastaristev: I am awesome author! See me pose in the simplest of acts!
1 (0.9%) floatingtide: Why is it that no one in the comic book ever noticed that behind those geeky glasses Jay Lake looked exactly like Superman?
2 (1.8%) manmela: Little did people know, that aside from being an award-winning writer, Jay Lake could actually levitate
1 (0.9%) delkytlar: Jay relaxes in mid-air while waiting for his $1,000,000 check from Chris Angel and Uri Gheller to clear at the bank.
1 (0.9%) rakdaddy: "Behold the gravity-defying properties of my superconducting Hawaiian shirt."
7 (6.2%) jubietta: Holy Crap, Jay! Has it really been that long since you've had sex?
0 (0.0%) steve_buchheit: "'Yeee,' can I get a 'Haw.'" - The Rev. Jay Lake
1 (0.9%) jaborwhalky:
4 (3.6%) mary919:[We] were almost ready to take entire structure into deep space, but first we had to test the rooms under zero gravity conditions. Jay volunteered. He'd be testing the ejector beds next.
7 (6.2%) coolmajaka: So that's what Jay looks like floating in a hotel room filled with vodka. Huh. That bartender swore he could make anything, and he wasn't kidding.
2 (1.8%)
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Huge Hole Found in the Universe — "There's a hole in spacetime, dear Liza, dear Liza, there's a hole in spacetime, dear Liza, a hole."
Has first evidence of another universe been seen? — Related to the above story.
Neurolinguistic Programming — Interesting comments about "ritual magic" in the middle of this Straight Dope piece.
Cars Detroit Forgot to Build
And don't forget the most recent caption contest, now in its last full day of accepting entries.
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Based on the photo post here, I hereby declare another caption contest. Some folks figured that out organically, so I'll count comments already left over there. Please make further entries on this post. Prizes will be announced during the voting poll phase. (Y'all know how this works by now — entries here, with voting poll to follow to determine the winner and runners up.)
Go on. Be funny. You know you want to mock.
( Your blog host, grabbing air. )
Photo by caryn71.
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The amuse me poll is now closed. The winner is danjite, with eight votes for "Uh, 'Cos I published it and don't own one?". He wins a copy of my limited edition dark erotica chapbook, Loving Julius, published by, erm, him.
Judge's special mention goes to kehrli, who had the most non-publisher votes with: I sat in the breakroom, minding my own business, attacking my mathematical physics homework with an orange mechanical pencil. I didn't look up when she sat across from me. I am a bit of a snob. She was one of the people brought in for inventory, and spot checks had determined that the inventory service people could not count, nor could they tell black from blue.
But I am nothing if not polite, so when she asked me what I was doing, I answered, "Calculus with complex numbers."
She looked at me with a blank, cow-eyed stare. She asked, "What are you studying?"
"Physics," I said.
"What's that?" I assumed that I had heard her incorrectly, or perhaps she just hadn't heard me.
"Physics," I repeated, and then I reiterated the quip about how I study it just to write science fiction.
"Science fiction," she mouthed back. "So, you mean, fake stuff? Like it's not real? Aliens?"
"Yeah," I said, secretly horrified. "Science fiction is fake."
"So you gotta have a lot of imagination then."
"Sure."
A light goes on, somewhere deep in her skull. Recognition. "So you must watch a lot of those crime shows, huh?"
I have no idea what she's talking about. "Um..."
"Like, you know, like C.S.I."
"I... don't actually have television at home."
"So you don't get the imagination from C.S.I.? It's just you have imagination? Yourself?"
That was about when I realized that if I had been reading something sufficiently dark and inappropriate I might have avoided the conversation, or perhaps just frightened her off.
If I win a copy, I'll be sufficiently armed for next time. Finally, another judge's special mention to rarelylynne, because I'm mortal feared of kamikaze librarians. I already know how to get stuff to danjite and rarelylynne. kehrli, drop me a line and let me know how to ship something to you. That's three chapbooks, coming up, once I get back from my next round of travels.
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Being under the weather, I'm also bored. Too thick-headed to write, too wrung out to leave the premises and rent a video, egg setera. So it occurs to me that I have a few copies of a very limited edition dark erotica chapbook of mine, Loving Julius, which was a pilot project of Traife Buffet Press, publishers of the mighty limited edition of Greetings From Lake Wu [ Traife Buffet ]. The chapbook was given out as a fundraising premium at the Center For Sex and Culture in San Francisco a year or so ago, and has never been available for sale.
Want a copy of Loving Julius? Maybe you're a Jay Lake completist. Maybe your morbid curiosity drives you to wonder precisely what it is that I consider dark erotica. Explain in comments why you should be the person to win a copy. Next week we'll have a poll for the funniest/cleverest/most creative answer. Runner-up prizes and judge's special may be awarded.
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paulskemp appears to have made the 30,000th comment on my LJ earlier today. (I say appears to because I can only derive this indirectly.) Therefore I declare his comment the Virtual 30,000th Comment, whether or not is also the Real 30,000th Comment (ie, no complaining), and award him the Jay Lake book of his choice, mailed by me fairly soon. Options include:
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Mainspring
Tor Books, 2007 | Trial of Flowers
Night Shade Books, 2006 | Rocket Science
Fairwood Press, 2005 |
Or, if he prefers, one of my collections or editing projects. :: confetti ::
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And the results are in for the LOLJay Contest.
With 75 votes cast, thexmedix took first place at 18 with ( this one. )
hoosier_red came in a close second at 16 with ( this. )
Congratulations are in order to the winners! As stated previously, first prize will be an arc of Escapement. I don't have 'em yet, but when I do the LOLJay winner will be one of the first people to get a chance to read the book. Second prize will be the winner's choice of any of my other books.
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Escapement
Tor Books, 2008 | Mainspring
Tor Books, 2007 | Trial of Flowers
Night Shade Books, 2006 | Rocket Science
Fairwood Press, 2005 |
I will also throw into both prizes a random book from my library, probably a recent hardback I've finished reading. Also, both winners will be Tuckerized in an upcoming short story, details to be announced. Winners, reach out to me with your contact info and we'll go from there.
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The winner of the caption contest voting poll has emerged. A clear favorite from the beginning, jeffford swept the field with 17 votes out of 68 cast. ( His winning entry? )
jeffford has won an inscribed first edition hardback of Mainspring [ Powell's | Amazon ]. Drop me a note, sir, to discuss.
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The caption contest voting poll closes tomorrow. Go vote, or at least read for the giggle.
Retroactive copyright violation, circa 900 CE. I predict a bright future for this image as a cultural icon of the freedom of information movement.
See some, all or none of you (well, hopefully > none) this Saturday at JayCon VII/J-Con I.
In other news, the signing for Nuevo Rancho Lake is today, and possession is tomorrow.
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Almost out of here. karindira is coming by in an hour or two to give me a ride home as she and Big T wend their way south. danjite and khaybee are off to the Olympics for some temperate rainforest R&R. lasirenadolce is going back to her digs. The Montana reunion draws to an end. (Though we'll all be in Portland next weekend for JayCon VII/J-Con I. Will you be?)
The Locus Awards and the SF Hall of Fame inductions were great. Saw many old friends, made some new ones, had a total fanboy moment with Gene Wolfe which left me babbling for a while — he knew who I was, OMG OMG!!!!!!!!!! — as well as doing some bidness, enjoying some parties, and learning from Greg Bear the true (and somewhat unprintable) secret known only to long-term SFWA ascended masters. Have a lot to process, lot of email to do, some stories to write.
Tomorrow Mother of the Child and I sign the papers on Nuevo Rancho Lake. On a more banal note, I'm also going to the stylist tomorrow, so as to be right purty for JayCon. Sunday the 24th is a moving day, so if you're going to be around Portland and want free pizza and my benison, I could use the help.
Also don't forget the latest caption contest voting poll. Some mighty funny stuff there.
Y'all play nice while I'm on the road. If you're real lucky, I might do some car blogging.
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tired
amused
sick