![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) the_child, shelly_rae and I are about to head for the coast. See you all on the other side, hopefully with pictures.
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tillyjane, a/k/a my mom, recently spent three weeks traveling around the West, much of at the Grand Canyon doing trail maintenance and habitat restoration as a volunteer. When she returned to Portland, she began writing up her days as a sort of irregular journal. The emails were so delightful that with her permission, I'm going to post them here as guest blogs — mediations on people, travel, nature and the American West.
This is her fourth installment, from an email dated September 22nd, shortly after her return.
( I'd Like to Get to Know You )
tillyjane's previous installment, "On the Kindness of Strangers", is here: [ jlake.com | LiveJournal ]
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Nice walk up Twin Peaks this morning. I'll miss it, as I don't know when I'll be back in SF in the foreseeable future. I'm likely under a travel restriction through about July, though I may be able to sneak down to California briefly over the holidays.
I'm returning to Portland this afternoon, calendula_witch will be there on Sunday, driving the Witchmobile as she'll stay for a couple of weeks. shelly_rae is heading to Portland today as well, to be my cancer buddy, and calendula_witch's, through the surgery and the hospitalization following.
Lots of busy coming up, including the Niece's sixth birthday party on Friday and an early family Thanksgiving on Sunday. This is good, as the surgery is a week from today, and by about Monday I will be an utter wreck.
Had a stray thought while walking about the difference between my business writing (Day Jobbery) and my fiction. Yesterday I executed a quick project, only a few hours, in which I repurposed some existing text from our Web site and from a handful of sales proposals. This is completely normal behavior, because it preserves brand consistency, keeps me on message, and helps the salespeople by offering predictable language they're already familiar with. I'm not required to be original every time, in fact, quite the opposite. The creativity there comes from figuring out how to meet the requirement in the first place, writing introductory, bridging and concluding text, and generally positioning the whole project. Whereas in my fiction writing, I never deliberately repeat myself. (Well, almost never, but it's very unusual.) I go to a fair amount of trouble to not repeat other people, though we all do it by accident sometimes.
This may be about as revelatory as noticing the sky is blue, but I'd never thought of things this way before. Ah, brain, I knew there was a reason I take you for walks.
Also, I've continued to write through all this. Currently revising calendula_witch's draft of Our Lady of the Islands, a book that continues to be an excellent read.
All in all, my head and heart remain unusually calm these last few days. Let us hope for more of the same.
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tillyjane, a/k/a my mom, recently spent three weeks traveling around the West, much of at the Grand Canyon doing trail maintenance and habitat restoration as a volunteer. When she returned to Portland, she began writing up her days as a sort of irregular journal. The emails were so delightful that with her permission, I'm going to post them here as guest blogs — mediations on people, travel, nature and the American West.
This is her third installment, from an email dated September 22nd, shortly after her return.
( The Kindness of Strangers )
tillyjane's previous installment, "Rocks of Ages", is here: [ jlake.com | LiveJournal ]
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About to hop on a plane and head west to San Francisco. Don't take any wooden pickles while I'm gone.
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Well, today was not exactly made of win. We drove 50 miles in the remnants of Hurricane Ida to reach our client. We arrived early, made a coffee stop to kill a little time and prep for the meeting. Driving into the client site, my co-worker spilled a 16 oz latte on my pants and shoes. This was not good meeting prep, frankly. (Though the meeting went just fine.)
On the way back, we stopped for gas near the Philadelphia Airport. Weather was still wet and raw, and so due to my continuing efforts not to catch a respiratory illness, my co-worker got out to pump, and nearly got rolled by a dude in a black parka.
So, erm, just as glad to be safely back in my hotel room. Tomorrow, San Francisco and calendula_witch!
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My flight left Portland this morning in the pre-dawn darkness, and landed in Philadelphia this evening in dusk's last failing light. I spent almost eight hours sitting on airplanes, with a 40 minute break in the middle in DFW. Talk about your lost days... On the other hand, I did Day Jobbery work, got 3,900 words in on "The Specific Gravity of Grief", answered a couple of interviews, and took two naps, as well as reading a good chunk more of The Jade Man's Skin.
I did wear the stupid fricking mask. Boy did that get old after a while. I also pretended to OCD and used hand sanitizer frequently. We'll see if any of this helps stave off respiratory infection. Much like the city's alligator watch, we'll never know unless it fails. My state of mind in this regard is left as an exercise for the reader.
Dinner tonight with klingonguy, valverdi and their friend D—, who likely has an LJ handle but I'm not smart enough to figure it out. Quite nice an evening.
The Philadelphia Airport Marriott, on the other hand, is yet another Marriott property without wireless. I don't get it. For what these rooms cost, they shouldn't have any problem doing what every Motel 6 and mom-and-pop coffee house in the country can do. I'm done staying at Marriott properties, given how many other hotel chains seem to manage this minor issue just fine. I can't believe they don't get constant pushback from their business travel customers over this.
Tomorrow is a roadtrip from Philadelphia to the Pennsylvania hinterlands for Day Jobbe meetings. At least I'll see the sun tomorrow. And then off to San Francisco Friday, and my sweet calendula_witch.
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Flying to Philadelphia tomorrow (including the open dinner tomorrow night at the Philadelphia Marriott). Meetings on Thursday in Pennsylvania, then Friday I fly to San Francisco to spend a few days with calendula_witch.
One thing I've become very concerned about is catching cold or flu. A respiratory infection right now would be an utter disaster. I've had my seasonal flu vaccine, but as recently as couple of days ago the H1N1 vaccine wasn't yet available here in the Portland area. Pretty soon I'll be so close to the surgery that even if I do manage to get it, an adverse reaction will affect the surgery.
So tonight I went out and bought some hand sanitizer to carry with me, and some face masks. I'm cool with the hand sanitizer, but find myself oddly reluctant to wear a face mask on the plane. This is rather out of character for me, given my usual indifference to the opinions of random strangers. I'm not even sure what it means, except maybe that feels like another surrender.
And that is one of the hardest things here. My sense of narrowing is in effect a surrender to cancer and the demands of both the disease and its treatment. I'm about to give up a couple of weeks of my life to surgery and recovery; then half a year or more to chemotherapy. I've given up my usual clothing in favor of roaming around bundled up like a rag doll. I'm giving up at least some of my writing for a while. The space this takes in my head is growing, and it's pushing almost everything else out.
For some reason, my inner rebel is drawing the line at the stupid face masks. Yet if I do pick something up on the plane, it could be dreadful for me.
I hate this. Hate hate hate.
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As previously noted, I am flying to Philadelphia on Wednesday, 11/11. I will be hosting an open dinner at the Philadelphia Airport Marriott at 7 pm that evening.
If my plane is delayed, I will do my best to update here, but I will also notify klingonguy, so double check his blog before setting out. RSVPs appreciated but not required.
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The open dinner next Monday in Philadelphia has moved to next Wednesday evening, 11/11, due to a change in my travel plans. 7 pm, probably at the house restaurant in the airport Marriott, but I'll confirm location. Let me know if you can make it.
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A friend needs a ride from Seattle to Portland on 11/6, to the Jeff VanderMeer/Cat Rambo reading. Anybody coming down tomorrow afternoon? Ping me, I'll hook you up.
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I'll be in Philadelphia next Monday evening. Open dinner at 7 pm, probably at the house restaurant in the airport Marriott, but I'll confirm location. Let me know if you can make it.
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Well, that was quite something. One of the more intense convention weekends of my life, and quite amazing. WFC 2009 in San Jose was very well run, my Toastmaster experience was flawless, I had a great time on my panels, my speech at the World Fantasy Awards went over well, the cheese party was awesome, and calendula_witch's birthday was a rousing success. Spent loads of time with zellandyne, ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/syndicated.gif) brendacooper, shelly_rae, la_marquise_de_, desperance, Mark Ferrari, bravado111, AC, and too many others to count.
Now at the San Jose airport, flight has been cancelled so I'll be here a while. Not looking forward to going home to the quiet of my own head, but this was one hell of a party to send me off into cancerland.
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What the hell can I say? Cancer sucks. I've been extraordinarily busy, and will continue to be so through the weekend, which is almost certainly a goodness. Sixteen hour workday yesterday (seriously), though scarlettina dropped by for a visit later, so I did get some friend time in. Driving back to Portland today, then hopping a plane for San Jose this afternoon, and on into the madness of World Fantasy, with calendula_witch once more.
Everyone around me is pierced, again. I see it in calendula_witch's eyes, in my parents' faces, in Mother of the Child's voice. I keep apologizing, though for what, I cannot say. I despise being the agent of this terror, bringing it into the camp of my loved ones like a gift horse on Greek-built wheels. Despite my best efforts otherwise, once again I have become a tumor.
I'm not so much with the panic this time, at least not yet. But the Fear is certainly a constant companion right now. Surgery, whatever. This will be a fraction of the trouble of last year's surgery. (Though I hope like hell cancer surgery is not an annual event in my life going forward.) Chemo scares me. The possibility of it being a second cancer scares me.
I thought I was going to write a fairly intelligent post about cancer fear, but I see that I'm just rambling. So, erm, I think I'll go back to being afraid.
And for you arts types, I think I'm going to get a tattoo that says 'CANCER SUCKS'. I'm envisioning it as being like old fashioned typewriter keys, round with letters in the middle, as if sketched in pencil with some cross shading. Anybody got any good photo or image references to art like that?
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Expect continued light blogging today and tomorrow, as I am leaving now (3:30 am Pacific) for Seattle for Day Jobbery, and then going straight from Seattle to San Jose tomorrow for WFC. More cancer thoughts as time permits, but I'm not sulking or withdrawn. Just busy.
Talk amongst yourselves.
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It's not every day you find yourself saying, "Please, god, let it be metastatic colon cancer," because that would be the best outcome.
Oncologist consult was a bit more exciting than we'd hoped. In summary (and right now, summary is about all there is), the mass on my liver has vanished. Apparently it was some kind of infection. The mass on my lung is now double the size it was on the May scans, and half again the size it was in July, and has been officially classed as a tumor, pending tissue biopsy. Thoracic surgery has been prescribed, sometime in November.
The surgery will be thoraciscopic, which means far less invasive than last year's colonic resectioning. Shorter hospital stay, much shorter recovery/rehab period. The mass is only about a centimeter in diameter, and it's very distinct, so it's an easy target. Back of my left lung, fairly low down, and the oncologist thinks the surgical plan will be pretty simple.
Next step is a pre-operative consult with the thoracic surgeon. Surgery will be scheduled sometime in November. Post-operatively a tissue biopsy will be conducted on the tumor to determine if it is metastatic colon cancer or a novel lung cancer. (Chemo planning will follow from that determination.)
Hence the remark above — lung cancer would be a far more serious diagnosis, with a much poorer prognosis. Even metastatic colon cancer is damned spooky in terms of cure rates and survivability, but lung...meh. We'll cross that bridge when we've set fire to the stream.
So, no further news likely til after WFC, as I won't see the surgeon before next week. The reader is invited to imagine my mental and emotional state, which I will explicate as is my wont, once I've sorted through it a bit more. For now, calendula_witch and I are keeping on with the keeping on.
A bit later today I'll sit down with the_child and explain things to her. Tonight we're having my immediately family over for a little while. And I'm off to Seattle before the crack of dawn tomorrow on Day Jobbe business, then off to San Jose on Wednesday for WFC. Distractions are a good thing.
More as it develops. Just try and shut me up.
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Oncology appointment this afternoon, to find out the results of last week's scans and map the course of the next few months of my life. SteamCon was a marvelous distraction, but the Fear caught up with me again last night. It's a lot less severe just now, but still real and deep. calendula_witch was marvelous, as is her wont.
Today I find out which doors open and which doors shut. Tomorrow I go (back) to Seattle for Day Jobbery. Wednesday I go to San Jose for World Fantasy. No matter what happens, I shall be busy. This must be a goodness.
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SteamCon day 2 was great good fun. calendula_witch dressed up in corset and jodhpurs. We hit the dealer's room, then staked the good table in the bar all day and all night. bravado111 showed up pretty early and anchored the table as the rest of us floated in and out. shelly_rae and Mark Ferrari showed up right after lunch, and we saw loads of other people, including corwynofamber, markbourne (who was ambulatory and verbal as hell!!!), e_bourne, nayad, Jak Koke, and Tammy Vining. Today we're taking it easy, having a brunch with scarlettina, then hitting the road for Portland, with a quick stop to visit with ginastonge.
Yesterday I shared a reading with catrambo, at which we each read parts of longer works. In her case, "Narrative of the Life of a Beast", and in my case, "The Baby Killers". Hers is available in the current issue of Realms of Fantasy, mine will be out next year from PS Publishing as a single-title novella. I can best describe the style as "high bugfuck steampunk." I think I went a little over the top in the reading.
Also a panel on "Steampunk Literature 101" with blackaire, 2muchexposition and johnnyeponymous. The room was packed, perhaps 70 people in a space with seating for about 40. The panel was a lot of fun, and I think the audience enjoyed it.
Still, as calendula_witch said, "How could anything be more interesting than sitting and watching all of the costumes. Nothing could be more fantastic."
( Some photos... )
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SteamCon has been fun, albeit low key. calendula_witch and I arrived earlier than expected, with a deeply surprising lack of traffic fail given the awful weather and the usual Friday afternoon crowded highway between Portland and Seattle. Ran into Tim and Serena Powers in the parking lot, who were gracious enough to help us with our bags. Ran into Duane Wilkinson just inside, all of which eventually devolved (through some mechanism mysterious to me) in us being invited to dinner by Megan Lindholm later that evening, in company with Tim, Serena, Duane and some of Megan's family.
After that, it was pretty much barcon, with fly bys from cmdrsuzdal, johnnyeponymous, marykaykare, cmpriest, blackaire, tamiam and, erm, lots of other people.
(Please note, it can be hard to see people in the bar. The chairs have high backs and don't face the lobby for the most part, so if you're looking for us, and you think we're there, it's worth stepping in and actually looking around.)
Early to bed, not so early to rise, some quiet couple time and a long walk, and now we're almost ready for our day. I'll be reading at 2 pm in a joint hour with catrambo, and holding forth on steampunk literature at 4 pm.
See some, all or none of you around here today.
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