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[cancer] Fear - Lakeshore
An author of no particular popularity

Jay Lake
Date: 2008-05-05 09:04
Subject: [cancer] Fear
Security: Public
Location:Inn at Spanish Head; Lincoln City, OR
Mood:unafraid, for now
Music:the ocean curling over its own foamy toes
Tags:cancer, health, personal
There's an interesting thing that's happening to me right now. Logically I know this thing will be beaten — despite the surprise of the two secondary cancers, everything is considered eminently treatable. But I'm still afraid, after all. This is cancer. The c-word. The silent killer of our times.

So I have fear. That's fear along the lines of worrying about the anaesthesia during my surgery (I have idiosyncratic responses to sedation). Fear about recovery times. Fear about issues at work. These are sane, rational fears, not phobias, not panics.

Then I have The Fear. That's the one that gets me sobbing in the shower, or just stopped cold with a hard, heavy heart. The irrational terrors about CANCER!!!, about dying, about losing too much of my life, about damaging the souls of those who love me. This is Fear like a drunk convinced he's covered with spiders.

Ordinary fear is my friend. It motivates me, helps me focus and plan, reminds me of the stakes I have in maintaining control of my own health and treatment. It is my servant.

The Fear is my enemy. It is the tumor's parting gift to me, the not-so-secret ally of the two other cancers still lurking in my gut. The Fear strives to be my master.

I will be afraid, but I will not be Afraid.
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S. Boyd Taylor
User: sboydtaylor
Date: 2008-05-05 16:20 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
"Then I have The Fear. That's the one that gets me sobbing in the shower, or just stopped cold with a hard, heavy heart. The irrational terrors about CANCER!!!, about dying, about losing too much of my life, about damaging the souls of those who love me. This is Fear like a drunk convinced he's covered with spiders."

Yes. Yes, it is exactly like that. It comes in the night and it lingers, just out of sight and slowly eating away all the rest until you can't even breathe anymore and you just want to run, but there's nowhere to run to.
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S. Boyd Taylor
User: sboydtaylor
Date: 2008-05-05 16:23 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Best wishes, Jay. And don't let the fear overwhelm you. Sounds like you're going to be fine :)
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Willis Couvillier
User: will_couvillier
Date: 2008-05-05 16:21 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
My sympathies are with you on all of this, Jay. My 24-year old is a cancer survivor. So I know that anything a person says is sympathetic air unless they've been through it too. So, all that I will say is that I'm feelin' for you, man.
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mevennen
User: mevennen
Date: 2008-05-05 16:21 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
It's like staring down the barrel of a gun. It never quite goes away, because once you're in Cancerland, you never quite leave. I wish I could say differently. I wake up in the night and it's there - not for me, but for other people. It's vile and T dealt with it by getting good and angry. Kick it as hard as you can and it diminishes. And keep laughing at it - still the best way to beat a curse. You will beat both, the fear and the illness.
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REudaly: glad
User: reudaly
Date: 2008-05-05 16:31 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:glad
Hugs... virtual and otherwise... are yours. Even when those of us who live by words are at a loss for them, we're with you. We support you. We survive with you.

And we're going to show you a damned good party in October in Dallas.
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Twilight: EveryoneNeedsGramSometimes
User: twilight2000
Date: 2008-05-05 16:31 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:EveryoneNeedsGramSometimes
Talking about it, as you do, helps separate the two, and that's healthy.

I suspect that to a greater or lesser extent, you do what I tend to do -- work very hard to protect everyone around you. While that's admirable, remember that they want to help you every bit as much as you want to protect them. If you can't reach out and let them be strong for *you* (because that's one of the hardest damn things for me), at least let them be strong for *them* -- you have friends and family that want to be able to be strong for you -- but if you don't ask, they may not feel free to do so.

It's the curse of the Caregiver personality -- we're so used to taking care of everyone else, we forget how to ask for care when we really could use it.

At over 150 miles, I will do what I can from here -- light candles and send healing energy -- because that's what I do. But those closer to you might want to hold you while cry or help you plan some new adventure or feed you when you're post-op. It's OK to let them do those things -- they really want to ;>.

Bright Blessings on your surgery day and in complete recovery. May The Fear melt away as soon as possible.
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(no subject) - (Anonymous)
User: (Anonymous)
Date: 2008-05-05 16:57 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I don't think it's trite.

Exactly the same thing came to my mind as I was reading Jay's post.
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farmgirl1146
User: farmgirl1146
Date: 2008-05-05 16:38 (UTC)
Subject: HUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGS
Please accept virtual hugS now, and when I see you again, I'll give you a real one.

Fear is a gift. Use it. Take care of yourself.

On the other hand, follow the Chihuahua way: live in the moment and bark as loud as you can at everything.
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User: ex_paulskem
Date: 2008-05-05 16:43 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Jay,

Positive thoughts and strength your way. You'll beat it. Hell, it's already beaten, but its mail service is slow. Notice will arrive soon.

Paul
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Autopope
User: autopope
Date: 2008-05-05 16:46 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I've been through the Fear, too. Not cancer: cardiovascular. (Turns out that acute existential dread is a common side effect of hypertensive emergencies. Your body knows something wrong; there's no actual pain, but there's a sense of screaming dread in the back of your head.)

Hang in there. The Fear isn't part of you, and once the cancer is under treatment it'll take a hammering. Things get better from here.

Good luck ...
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John A Pitts
User: bravado111
Date: 2008-05-05 16:46 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Just remember, in the dark of night, that there are those of us who are thinking of you, praying for you, wishing you well.

Love is a powerful thing, my friend, and you have it coming your way in great buckets full.

This will change your life, there is no doubt, but it does not need to control you.

Unlike that durn mechanical bull, you will ride this beastie into the ground and walk away with conviction and joy.



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Greg van Eekhout
User: gregvaneekhout
Date: 2008-05-05 16:52 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Sounds like you know your fears well enough to recognize friend from enemy. That kind of insight is a powerful tool. You're a strong man, and you're gonna conquer that Fear as surely as treatment's gonna kick that cancer's ass.
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Queen of the Skies
User: queenoftheskies
Date: 2008-05-05 16:56 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
::HUGS::
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Bob
User: yourbob
Date: 2008-05-05 17:17 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Speaking from a literary standpoint - horror/suspense writing? I know in my deepest Depression daze, drawing horrorific images did actually help. It turned my internal horror into something akin to creativity. I don't know if your creativity works from the same sources as mine, but along with good thoughts, it's what I can offer.
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aries_jordan: Celestina
User: aries_jordan
Date: 2008-05-05 17:31 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:Celestina
Feel the Fear, then turn it into rage and visualize blasting the bejeezus out of the cancer.

*HUGS*
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