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Jay Lake
Date: 2008-12-02 21:09
Subject: [personal] Getting myself neutered
Security: Public
Tags:funny, health, personal, photos

Now it can be told…

(Amusing stuff, at least in my opinion, but under a cut for medical TMI and reader mercy)

Yesterday morning I went over to the OHSU clinic and had myself neutered. It’s not a vas deferens from before, but enough to keep me from ever being a 60-something (or older) high school dad. The timing of this had more to do with my insurance burn rate than anything else, frankly.

So there I was, lying largely nude on a table under a bright light while three enthusiastic gentlemen with sharp pointy objects rummaged around Where Man Was Not Meant To Go.

I said to the attending physician, “This will be the most fun I have all week.” His response, “Wow, am I sorry for you.” I didn’t even get a full Brazilian out of the deal, just a refreshing wipe down.

A few other high points…

The most unpleasant part of the whole business were the injections of local anesthetic. Talk about your sharp pointy objects in the wrooooong place.

OHSU is a teaching institution, so my gentlemen were the attending physician, the resident and a med student. This meant the entire procedure was narrated in detail, with various exploratory movements and teachable moments, and the odd bit of language confusion. Just what you want to hear all about.

Then there was the accidental clamping of a certain sensitive portion lying between the twin locii of medical attention, which had not been anesthetized. I kicked like a frog. This is a bad idea when the boys are rummaging around inside your wedding tackle.

After that we had “Ooops!” followed by muttered cursing. I looked up and asked what the problem was. (Avoiding a consternated affect in the interests of surgical amity.) “Well, we lost one end.” So they went fishing down inside. That’s the side that ached more later, too.

Mostly though, it was boring. Future generations of me shall ever be denied, but I wound up wishing I’d brought my iPhone onto the operating table so I could play Sudoku or read my email. I mean, they didn’t even give me Valium. Since then I’ve been sitting on frozen peas, at least until they became crotch-warmed peas and went back into the freezer. The bags are getting pretty mushy, too.

Once the surgery was done, the medical personnel vacated and left me alone in the room with the used instrument tray. In the interests of science and future writing research, I took some rather TMI photos, some of which are a bit arty. If you’re interested in that sort of thing (work-safe, just very icky), here they are. You Have Been Warned.

I’m off sex, masturbation and bicycling until next week. This pretty much knocks off three of my four primary forms of physical exercise, but it’s a small price to pay for the gift of sterility.

Originally published at jlake.com. You can comment here or there.

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Peter Hollo
User: frogworth
Date: 2008-12-03 05:15 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Four form of exercise please?
Inquiring (very inquiring, aright) minds wish to know...

Thanks, that was a very entertaining, if somewhat gratuitous, story. You should try writing more :P
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Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2008-12-03 05:23 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Why, walking of course. Get your mind out of the gutter, Hollo.
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Mark Teppo
User: markteppo
Date: 2008-12-03 05:21 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Yeah, that frog kick reaction is a strange thing. When I had mine done, the doc clamped on something down there and I felt it like a live wire all the way down to my big toe.

I had the laser finish. Talk about weird. Smelling that wee bit of burning flesh, seeing the smoke, and realizing, "Yep, fire next to my bits. Never thought I'd be calmly letting that happen."

I used frozen popcorn kernels, less likely to get all mushy. Look at us. Sharing post-op tips. It's almost like we've been neutered, er, civilized.
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Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2008-12-03 05:23 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Oh, yeah, totally forgot about the sonic screwdriver. The smell was kind of, well...

Good tip on the popcorn. Thanks!
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User: biomekanic
Date: 2008-12-03 05:37 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)

Here's to a speedy recovery.
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Karen, aka Ana Lake, ska Aine inghean Cathal: Coffee laughing
User: summers_place
Date: 2008-12-03 05:42 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:Coffee laughing
Well, I see they left your punning tackle unmolested, at any rate.
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jeffsoesbe: elmerfudd careful
User: jeffsoesbe
Date: 2008-12-03 05:56 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:elmerfudd careful
Ah, "getting fixed". I had my fixin' done about 6 or so years ago. I was chatting and cracking jokes with the surgeon and he said "most people are more nervous about this". Turned out he was a conservative dude who loved hunting. I made sure to be very careful with the topics of conversation.

As a note, the universal hand symbol for "getting fixed" when talking to another guy is index and middle finger making a scissors motion with hand parallel to the ground.

Other Guy: So, where were you Monday?
You: Oh, I was (makes "getting fixed" hand symbol)
Other Guy: Oh! (reacts either with horror or sympathy, depending on neuter status)

As for chilling the bits (and in fact, chilling any injured body part) a bag of frozen peas is marvelous. Inside a thin towel. Frostbite down under is no fun.

Hopefully you won't have any swelling or reaction, unlike one of the neighborhood dads who ended up with the nickname "Elephant Man"...

Here's to a speedy recovery!

- yeff
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User: spir123
Date: 2008-12-03 06:29 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Jay, You manage to make what might be an unpleasant topic absolutely entertaining. Hope you are not too uncomfortable.
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User: thecrimsony
Date: 2008-12-03 06:32 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
My father always bragged about walking home from his vasectomy. I still remember when he did it in front of some of my friends and one of them commented he'd done the same just last year after his son was born. My dad countered with "Son, this was 1973. You want to compare, get a time machine or a rusty butterknife." Possibly the funniest things he's ever said.

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User: martianmooncrab
Date: 2008-12-03 06:38 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
if you go feral, then you dont have to worry since you have been neutered.
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Brenda Cooper: bleeding hearts
User: bjcooper
Date: 2008-12-03 06:48 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:bleeding hearts
Don't you mean then WE don't need to worry? :)
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russ: romanes eunt domus
User: goulo
Date: 2008-12-03 07:55 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:romanes eunt domus
Good luck to your twin loci!

(I think your "twin locii" is a misspelling!)
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User: austspecfic
Date: 2008-12-03 08:21 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Not game enough to look at arty piccie. Hope you feel better soon and are fit for exercise.
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User: martyn44
Date: 2008-12-03 09:01 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Now that took me back a while. Not sure I wanted to go back there in quite such vivid detail, though. You are now a Real Man.

Not that you weren't before, of course.
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User: yourbob
Date: 2008-12-03 09:14 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Sometimes, I'm just glad I'm gay.

Speedy recovery without complications or irritation.

And I won't be eating pea soup at your place any time soon.
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it's a great life, if you don't weaken: criminal minds prentiss facepalm
User: matociquala
Date: 2008-12-03 12:50 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:criminal minds prentiss facepalm
Indeed! Being gay does often involve a speedy recovery without complications or irritation!

...sorry. It was just lying there. Ahem.

So to speak.
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User: lauriemann
Date: 2008-12-03 12:07 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
The ice bag will help.

I know more about this than the average woman because Jim's first vasectomy failed so he had to get it done again. Within a few weeks, while a little traumatized, he was fine.

So, yes, when they tell you to come back in a few weeks to have a sperm count, DO IT!
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Lawrence M. Schoen
User: klingonguy
Date: 2008-12-03 12:49 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I didn’t even get a full Brazilian out of the deal

arrgghhh. curse my visualization reflexes. arrgghhh!
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it's a great life, if you don't weaken: criminal minds hotch somewhat incongruou
User: matociquala
Date: 2008-12-03 12:49 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:criminal minds hotch somewhat incongruou
Congratulations on your sterility!

(If only they made a card for that.)
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temet nosce: baby grace
User: strumglory
Date: 2008-12-03 16:19 (UTC)
Subject: Neutered is not an accurate label.
Keyword:baby grace
Being someone who used to work at a spay/neuter clinic and watched about 20 animals lose their testicles each day, there is a big difference between a vasectomy and getting neutered.
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Jay Lake: graffiti-smiling
User: jaylake
Date: 2008-12-03 16:20 (UTC)
Subject: Re: Neutered is not an accurate label.
I know this, actually. Was reaching for teh funnie. ;p
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