Jay Lake (jaylake) wrote,
Jay Lake
jaylake

[cancer] Return of the Fear

Walking out of the pharmacy today (on a non-cancer-related errand) I was struck by the Fear again. It hit me hard and fast, my breath shuddering in my chest. I managed to walk it off, or so I thought, until I got home. Pulled into the driveway at Nuevo Rancho Lake listening to "The Ballad of Pancho and Lefty", which is a song that can bring tears to my eye on a good day. Carried some boxes of stuff for calendula_witch inside, and just lost it completely.

And once again, calendula_witch talked me off the ledge, all the way from California. Because that's the kind of thing we do for each other.

I know why the Fear is coming back. The year anniversary of the initial hospital admission is almost upon me. The surgery anniversary is in a month. The one-year followup tests just after that. That trainload of stress is gathering speed. Sometimes I'm very, very afraid I'll have to back to cancerland, be slow again, maybe die this time. Most of the time I know better, much better.

But the Fear is tricky.

And I hate being its victim. Even for a moment.

Originally published at jlake.com.

Tags: calendula, cancer, health, personal
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