Jay Lake (jaylake) wrote,
Jay Lake

[cancer] Dreams of darker days

Had my first cancer dream in a long time last night. Normally I'm a lucid dreamer, or at least pretty self-aware, but this was one of those dreams that felt real while I was inside it. I'd gone in for some tests (as I am in fact doing on May 14th and 15th), and they'd found a new cancer. My throat, I think, though that part of the dream is fuzzy now, in retrospect.

In my dream, I got out of the doctor's office and called calendula_witch. I was just in tears. I found myself on the phone with her, trying to convince her that this was not a bad dream, that it was really happening. Which was, of course, my lizardbrain trying to tell me this was a dream, but that's not how I experienced it in the moment.

By the time I woke up, I'd sorted out the fact that this wasn't really happening to me, but it certainly speaks to my anxiety and trepidation at the upcoming screening. Which calendula_witch will be at in person, thank Ghu.

Originally published at jlake.com.

Tags: calendula, cancer, personal

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