Jay Lake (jaylake) wrote,
Jay Lake
jaylake

[cancer] The Fear, nibbling

So I haven't been having a full blown attack of the Fear, but I seem to be slipping into an increasing maze of worry and emotional unreliability. The one year followups are Thursday and Friday. Oversimplifying, that's where I get to find out if my life goes back to normal. If my colon, lymph system and liver are clean, the cancer wasn't aggressive, and life goes on. If I'm developing new polyps, or have spots in lymph or liver, the cancer was aggressive, and we do whatever we need to do next.

I'm tired of the Fear. (Which I think means it's losing its power over me, but not this day.) I'm tired of being cancer boy. I'm healthy and fit — more so in both cases since last year's illness than any time since my college years. Life is good. I have the love of the_child and calendula_witch, I have an interesting writing career, I have a stable Day Jobbe. I don't want to go back to cancerland. I want to keep this normal life I won back at such cost.

Nobody thinks I'm going to get a return ticket to cancerland. My doctor is optimistic. My baseline health is a terrifically positive indicator. But until they've gone in and looked this Thursday and Friday, we don't know. And the Fear has developed a conjoined twin; the Doubt. In some ways, the Doubt is tougher. I can shrug the Fear off, I know it for what it is. The Doubt has a tinge of reasonableness to it which the Fear never achieved.

I grow my own monsters, thank you very much. Both in my gut and in my soul. I can slay them. And I will.

But they're still real.

Originally published at jlake.com.

Tags: calendula, cancer, child, personal
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