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[cancer] Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the car bomb - Lakeshore
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Jay Lake
Date: 2009-05-14 16:20
Subject: [cancer] Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the car bomb
Security: Public
Tags:calendula, cancer, child, health, personal
Not a particularly successful day of followups. Colonoscopy found one medium-sized polyp, in an environment where ideally there should be no polyps, and there certainly shouldn't be polyps of any significant size. Either a small polyp was missed last year, or my colon is growing them aggressively. This implies long term or lifetime followup on a very rigorous schedule, beyond what was anticipated post-operatively, and bodes poorly for my risk factors.

Additionally, a read of last week's CAT scan from my ER admit shows spots on the liver and in several lymph nodes. While these could be imaging artefacts, or have some other significance, liver and lymph are the two metastasis pathways for colon cancer. My screening appointment tomorrow has been converted to a PET scan in an attempt to highlight potential tumor activity in those areas. Will know more from the PET scan over the weekend or early next week.

As my doctor says, this is an ambiguous result, not a negative one. Nonetheless, the Fear is making a roaring comeback in my mind. I'm growing monsters in my gut again.

calendula_witch is being magnificent. So are the_child and Mother of the Child. I just don't want to go further down this road. I'm scared and angry, and tired of being afraid.

Originally published at jlake.com.

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threeoutside
User: threeoutside
Date: 2009-05-15 00:22 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Sending good thoughts your way, dude.
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fledgist
User: fledgist
Date: 2009-05-15 00:25 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Fear is, as the man said, the mind-killer. All you can do is wait to find out what it is. Ambiguous is not fatal, hold on to that, please.
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User: beth_bernobich
Date: 2009-05-15 00:25 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:balloon heart
Keeping you in my thoughts, Jay.
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User: jess_ka
Date: 2009-05-15 00:30 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Good thoughts, Jay. And hugs.
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Kelly Green: seattle
User: saycestsay
Date: 2009-05-15 00:31 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:seattle
Okay, kid. Waiting with you.

...even a negative result just means more fighting.
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wldhrsjen3
User: wldhrsjen3
Date: 2009-05-15 00:33 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I'm so sorry. I've watched my mom walk that road for the last five years... We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers and cross our fingers for good news.
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scarlettina: Me
User: scarlettina
Date: 2009-05-15 00:36 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:Me
Still with you, Jay. Spinning the prayer hamsters, as Esther says. Take it one step at a time. We're all holding on with you.
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Laura Anne Gilman: stop that
User: suricattus
Date: 2009-05-15 00:37 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:stop that
I know you don't buy into it, but I'm still going to spin the prayer cats that tomorrow's broom sweeps clean.

Icon is aimed at both polyp, and Fear.
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User: joycemocha
Date: 2009-05-15 00:37 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Catching it now is key. Let's be thinking positively that the liver and lymph spots are just imaging artifacts. Meanwhile, the fact that a polyp got caught is a good thing. My father and both my brothers had to deal with that (multiple generations of colon cancer on the paternal side). To date, neither brother--both in their 60s--has shown up with colon cancer. And it was emphysema and lung cancer that killed my dad in his 70s.

Dad had yearly colonoscopies and frequent polyp harvests on a yearly basis. Same for both my brothers, which was why my oldest brother insisted that I march in and get mine done at age 50. Fortunately, mine was clear. If I take after maternal genetics, that could be good.

I will be thinking good thoughts for you and doing some of that RC mumbojumbo juju.
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Jim C. Hines
User: jimhines
Date: 2009-05-15 00:41 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Aw, crap. Not knowing has got to be crazy-making. I'll be hoping and praying ambiguous turns into negative, and soon.
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a_r_williams
User: a_r_williams
Date: 2009-05-15 00:43 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Prayers are with you. Be strong. Stay positive.
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Elf M. Sternberg
User: elfs
Date: 2009-05-15 00:43 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Hang in there, Jay. We're thinking of you.
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melissajm
User: melissajm
Date: 2009-05-15 00:46 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Thinking good thoughts for you, and hoping everything turns up benign.
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User: n5red
Date: 2009-05-15 00:47 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
You're so much younger than me that you are not allowed to have such problems. So, stop it!
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jtdiii
User: jtdiii
Date: 2009-05-15 00:47 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Fingers crossed for you and good wishes sent in your direction.

It could just be the universe's way of saying you need to collect more semi-colons.

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