Jay Lake (jaylake) wrote,
Jay Lake

[cancer] Slow dancing with the Fear

Not much has changed in this year's New Adventures in Cancer since my last update. A bit more information, courtesy of my conversation with calendula_witch's professional associate, and some more time to think. I've been turning over how this will affect everything from my summer plans to my lifestyle choices. Writing and publishing schedules have also been much in mind.

The Fear came back last night. Luckily I was right next to calendula_witch when it happened — usually the Fear catches me alone. She was beyond generous in letting me ride it out and helping me re-center afterwards. As is generally the case for me with the Fear, it came on suddenly and passed just as suddenly. Like a blackline squall in my soul.

I am tired of being afraid, tired of hearing myself talk about this, tired of focusing on it. On the plus side, I went two days at BayCon without needing to do much focusing other than catching friends up on the details.

And this year's bout is a lot less terrifying than last year's. Maybe familiarity breeds contempt. Or perhaps I just have a better handle on what it is and where it's going. The big struggle continues to be my sense of the long-term changes in my time horizons and possible life choices. I'm simply higher-risk. That hasn't been formally quantified yet, but it's true on the face of things.

Also like last year's bout of cancer, this one is already giving me gifts. I'm not too foolish to see them, but I am still very much resenting the process as well as what it does and will do to me.

I keep on keeping on.

Originally published at jlake.com.

Tags: calendula, cancer, conventions, personal, publishing, writing

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