My world's starting to get narrower as I approach chemo. I remember this exact same effect taking place in the context of last year's surgery. The prescribing consult will be on 7/27, with various things to happen thereafter, such as installing the port in my chest and scheduling the infusions.
My sense as I go through various activities runs along the lines of well, this is the last time I'll do this for a while
. Also, my underlying fear of dying from this whole experience has kicked back up. (Not like the mortality statistics are exactly uplifting at the moment anyway.) So sometimes I find myself thinking well, I may never do this again
It's not that my fundamental optimism has faded, nor my energy and drive. This is like a layer of fear lacquered over that. The Fear, perhaps, spread micron thin and contaminating everything. A reaction to the increasing inevitability of this process. I'm still a bit abstracted from my core emotions, and spending the past two weeks with calendula_witch
has helped a lot. We'll see what flows next. It ain't easy.