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Jay Lake
Date: 2009-07-06 05:01
Subject: [cancer] Getting narrower
Security: Public
Tags:calendula, cancer, health, personal
My world's starting to get narrower as I approach chemo. I remember this exact same effect taking place in the context of last year's surgery. The prescribing consult will be on 7/27, with various things to happen thereafter, such as installing the port in my chest and scheduling the infusions.

My sense as I go through various activities runs along the lines of well, this is the last time I'll do this for a while. Also, my underlying fear of dying from this whole experience has kicked back up. (Not like the mortality statistics are exactly uplifting at the moment anyway.) So sometimes I find myself thinking well, I may never do this again.

It's not that my fundamental optimism has faded, nor my energy and drive. This is like a layer of fear lacquered over that. The Fear, perhaps, spread micron thin and contaminating everything. A reaction to the increasing inevitability of this process. I'm still a bit abstracted from my core emotions, and spending the past two weeks with calendula_witch has helped a lot. We'll see what flows next. It ain't easy.

Originally published at jlake.com.

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User: chessdev
Date: 2009-07-06 13:14 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I dont know what to say -- heck, I often don't say *much* instead choosing to lurk.

All I can do is say "hang in there" and let you know a bunch of your readers here care about your health and that we're sending our energies your direction.

Get well.
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User: jess_ka
Date: 2009-07-06 13:15 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Just to say, thinking about you a lot, Jay. hugs. lots of hugs.
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International Bon Vivant and Raconteur
User: nick_kaufmann
Date: 2009-07-06 13:31 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
My thoughts are with you.
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User: joycemocha
Date: 2009-07-06 13:41 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Hang in there. We're here for you.
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User: fledgist
Date: 2009-07-06 14:14 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
All I can do is wish you the best of luck.
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User: goulo
Date: 2009-07-06 14:44 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Seems pretty normal to be distracted and having such thoughts in such a time. Still, I think that you have such positive drive, energy, self-discipline, support, not to mention ineffable Jayness, that you are top on my list of people who would come through chemo ok.
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User: yourbob
Date: 2009-07-06 15:06 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Don't forget to ask about those drugs that boost your RBC count during chemo. If they can be used, they're supposed to boost your energy.
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Greg van Eekhout
User: gregvaneekhout
Date: 2009-07-06 15:32 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Still 150% alive. Thinking 'boutcha.
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Kari Sperring
User: la_marquise_de_
Date: 2009-07-06 17:20 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Best wishes are with you from here.
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User: lauriemann
Date: 2009-07-06 17:58 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Sorry to hear that.
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Sue Burke
User: mount_oregano
Date: 2009-07-06 19:23 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Best wishes and gentle thoughts.
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Jodi Davis: southpark jodi
User: jodi_davis
Date: 2009-07-06 20:52 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:southpark jodi
So, it's like a PAM spray - only instead of butter or olive oil, fear...
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Allison Lonsdale: medical
User: caprine
Date: 2009-07-06 22:40 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I send you good wishes.
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User: mondyboy
Date: 2009-07-06 23:54 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Mate - you really are an inspiration.

I hope the chemo is the first step to you having a refuah shelema (a complete recovery).

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User: melissajm
Date: 2009-07-07 00:43 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
:sending good thoughts:
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Misty Marshall
User: mistymarshall
Date: 2009-07-07 01:05 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Love ..hugs....more love
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User: carnwrite
Date: 2009-07-07 11:02 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Hang in there, Jay. You'll pull through.
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(no subject) - (Anonymous)
Jay Lake: sanguine-moonrise
User: jaylake
Date: 2009-07-07 17:54 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Please do. :)
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