Jay Lake (jaylake) wrote,
Jay Lake

[cancer] Getting narrower

My world's starting to get narrower as I approach chemo. I remember this exact same effect taking place in the context of last year's surgery. The prescribing consult will be on 7/27, with various things to happen thereafter, such as installing the port in my chest and scheduling the infusions.

My sense as I go through various activities runs along the lines of well, this is the last time I'll do this for a while. Also, my underlying fear of dying from this whole experience has kicked back up. (Not like the mortality statistics are exactly uplifting at the moment anyway.) So sometimes I find myself thinking well, I may never do this again.

It's not that my fundamental optimism has faded, nor my energy and drive. This is like a layer of fear lacquered over that. The Fear, perhaps, spread micron thin and contaminating everything. A reaction to the increasing inevitability of this process. I'm still a bit abstracted from my core emotions, and spending the past two weeks with calendula_witch has helped a lot. We'll see what flows next. It ain't easy.

Originally published at jlake.com.

Tags: calendula, cancer, health, personal

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