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Jay Lake
Date: 2009-07-12 16:29
Subject: [cancer] Some days you fly, some days you fry
Security: Public
Tags:calendula, cancer, personal, publishing, writing
Had a cancer meltdown over lunch with kenscholes. Not a full tilt, crying-screaming fit. (I've had a few of those, too, just not in the middle of the Lloyd Center Stanford's.) A lot anger, a lot of grief, some good old-fashioned rage, and a whole lot of fear. I said a bunch of irrational things about myself, about the cancer, about calendula_witch, about my writing, about my publishing career. He was very patient and loving and thoughtful.

I don't suppose the details matter much, but they felt very real to me in the moment. Still do. And some of them are real, or at least meaningfully possible pending we see how hard chemo hits me and what comes next with the lung scan on the CT, etc.

This disease turns me inside out, makes me not myself. And it drags everyone who loves me along through the hole. Emotional terrorism, courtesy of rogue cells within my own body. Who ever expected it, eh?

Originally published at jlake.com.

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User: joycemocha
Date: 2009-07-13 01:24 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Steady. Steady.

The waiting is the worst part of all this.

All will be well. You'll see.

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User: melissajm
Date: 2009-07-13 01:31 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Wishing you many good flying days.
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User: csinman
Date: 2009-07-13 01:39 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Everyone has to let their fears free sometimes--how else could you exorcise them from yourself?--whether they're as dire as yours or not. I'm glad you have friends who'll support you even when you're not at your shiniest.
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Richard Parks
User: ogre_san
Date: 2009-07-13 01:43 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I'm glad you had a friend with you.
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User: spencimusprime
Date: 2009-07-13 02:48 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Hang in there, Jay. You've done some amazing things and I believe that you will continue to do amazing things.
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Elf M. Sternberg
User: elfs
Date: 2009-07-13 03:08 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
*Sigh*. Can't do much more than wish you well, and hope you have the best doctors and a more-behaved gene sequence than recent history would seem to indicate...
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Kate Mulligan Wolfe
User: corasmama
Date: 2009-07-13 05:14 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Catharsis can be good. And a friend who can take the brunt of that catharsis is priceless.

Thinking of you and wishing you well.
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User: kara_gnome
Date: 2009-07-13 11:32 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
It's a hard road, for sure, I just wish you could step off.
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Michael Curry: brutal
User: mcurry
Date: 2009-07-13 14:12 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Sorry the meltdown happened at all, but if you were going to pick a friend to have it around, Ken was probably a very good choice. I hope saying some it out loud was at least cathartic.
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Ken Scholes
User: kenscholes
Date: 2009-07-13 14:50 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
All these feelings are a normal part of the process and I'm always happy to be here for you. Love won't cure the cancer but it will see you through it every step of the way.

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User: jess_ka
Date: 2009-07-13 15:27 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Hugs. Lots of them.
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User: yourbob
Date: 2009-07-13 16:23 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
"Who ever expected it, eh?"

Once it hit, just about everyone. And we all stuck around.

I just wish I was closer and could help with more than journal platitudes.
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User: jenntheamazon
Date: 2009-07-13 18:16 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Trust me, its much better to get it all out to someone who is so willing to lend a loving ear. If not, it ends up eating you up inside.
It's so wonderful that you have a super awesome support family. I would call it a group, but from what you say, they are soooo much more than that.
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Twilight: EveryoneNeedsGramSometimes
User: twilight2000
Date: 2009-07-13 18:56 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Having a good friend around when you hit meltdown is priceless - and Ken's a good man for that kind of thing from all I know. Catharsis is a healthy thing.

I continue to send you good thoughts and to know that you'll do amazing things yet - the waiting is the worst - once it starts, you can better see the shape of it and figure out how to navigate through.

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User: martang
Date: 2009-07-14 03:00 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Jay, I haven't been keeping up on LJ. Sorry to hear about all the trials and travails with the cancer. Hang in there. Waiting must be tough.
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