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[cancer] A wee bit of updatery anent my mental state - Lakeshore — LiveJournal
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Jay Lake
Date: 2009-07-28 04:55
Subject: [cancer] A wee bit of updatery anent my mental state
Security: Public
Tags:calendula, cancer, family
Still reeling from yesterday's walkback on the chemo. It wasn't a shock, we'd had essentially the same answer in San Francisco last week, but I had deliberately been avoiding any pretense of hope, for fear of being beat down. calendula_witch, and all my other friends and family, are quite, quite pleased. I'm coming around. As I said to her last night, I feel like I've laid down an enormous weight. As she said to me, even if you wind up picking it up again, you've laid it down for now, and for a while.

I'm not free. Far from it. A lot of stuff going on which is still pretty serious by normal lights. It's just that the de-escalation is so huge. Still processing.

Originally published at jlake.com.

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ozarque
User: ozarque
Date: 2009-07-28 13:01 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Wonderful! I am so glad!
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Jedi Freeman
User: jedifreeman
Date: 2009-07-28 14:55 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
wow, just got a chance to see your update. thats pretty damn awesome. I understand some of the feelings you are going through, it is quite a rollercoaster.

My wife has been going through issues with her Lupus and APS and things have shifted in the last week from "we are going to have to cut off her right foot below the knee sometime in the next month" to "we might have to cut off the foot sometime in the next year, but right now we will probably be able to just remove the big toe" (blood clotting in arteries killing the foot).

Take care of yourself, I am looking forward to enjoying several more books of yours!
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Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2009-07-28 14:57 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Oi, good luck to her! That's a lot to go through. And I do get it...
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jackwilliambell
User: jackwilliambell
Date: 2009-07-28 15:35 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I'm so glad.
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bram452
User: bram452
Date: 2009-07-28 16:18 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
One of the things I've been reminded of in the last year is that massive changes -- even if they're good -- are profoundly dislocating.

Fly low, man.
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lotusice
User: lotusice
Date: 2009-07-28 17:24 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I was going to say something and then you said it already only better.

Wow.

Yeah, that and also this, which is that - and this is a big secret - sometimes it's as difficult to hear the good news. We're weirdly binary in our expectations of stuff. Like yay! It's good, there's that then, all done! - when really what I wound up feeling in the good news turns was often a weird sense of massive letdown.

Maybe it's all the winding up for the punch we do or something.

Also, the fact that it's not a conclusive win - that it doesn't change what looms - is rough.

And then there's the difficult thing where other people are happy for you and you're happy and know you ought to be so suddenly it's more difficult to voice the 'but wait, I still feel emotionally wrecked, or even more so!' stuff.

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spencimusprime
User: spencimusprime
Date: 2009-07-28 17:00 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
What a relief--for all of us. I was just about to buy you a Farah Fawcett wig.
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User: mmegaera
Date: 2009-07-28 19:26 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:crayons
You've just been reading Bujold, right? Your comments on this remind me of Ekaterin in Komarr after she finally got treatment for Nikki.

Don't mind me, I am just glad for you that you're blinking in the dust and rubble at least for now rather than hurting yourself against that wall.
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Twilight
User: twilight2000
Date: 2009-07-29 19:54 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Congrats on the current de-escalation :> Now if we can beat the heat... ;>
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Chris McKitterick: just Chris 2007
User: mckitterick
Date: 2009-07-31 05:30 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:just Chris 2007
Good news - very pleased for you!

On another note, I have a question: What got you through the bad bits? I'm dealing with my own, less-serious, health issue now, and I'm just not able to shake the anger, frustration, and depression of dealing with being forever damaged. What works for you?
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Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2009-07-31 12:53 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Decided that needed to be bumped up to its own post:

http://jaylake.livejournal.com/1871906.html

Let me know if you want to be cited by LJ handle in the main post.
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Chris McKitterick: just Chris
User: mckitterick
Date: 2009-07-31 14:11 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:just Chris
Thank you, Jay. Feel free to cite me.
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