Jay Lake (jaylake) wrote,
Jay Lake

[cancer] The return of the Fear (again)

On the way back from physical therapy yesterday morning, I had my first full blown attack of the Fear in almost two months. Which is logical enough. I knew it was coming. We're two weeks out from the date of my next scans, and the oncology consult is only a couple of days after that.

As it happens, I had a therapy appointment yesterday. My therapist asked me what had triggered the Fear. I told him I'd been in PT, the PT had been particularly painful and difficult, and I'd been talking about the cancer stuff with my physical therapist. Then I'd gotten in the Genre car to drive home, and Fastball's "The Way" came up on the rotation in my shuffle of mix CDs. That song always gives me a little emotional catch, and this time the catch was enough to open the door to the Fear.

His suggestion was to listen to talk radio in the car for the next few weeks.

I figure I'll see the Fear come back between now and the 22nd, then the 26th. It's ugly and I'm not proud of myself for being so thoroughly in its grip, but this, too, is a part of living with cancer. I am surrounded by loving friends and family, and calendula_witch is beyond stellar, and so with cancer I shall live.

Damn it all.

Tags: cancer, health, music, personal

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