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Lakeshore
An author of no particular popularity

Jay Lake
Date: 2009-10-08 05:35
Subject: [cancer] The return of the Fear (again)
Security: Public
Tags:cancer, health, music, personal
On the way back from physical therapy yesterday morning, I had my first full blown attack of the Fear in almost two months. Which is logical enough. I knew it was coming. We're two weeks out from the date of my next scans, and the oncology consult is only a couple of days after that.

As it happens, I had a therapy appointment yesterday. My therapist asked me what had triggered the Fear. I told him I'd been in PT, the PT had been particularly painful and difficult, and I'd been talking about the cancer stuff with my physical therapist. Then I'd gotten in the Genre car to drive home, and Fastball's "The Way" came up on the rotation in my shuffle of mix CDs. That song always gives me a little emotional catch, and this time the catch was enough to open the door to the Fear.

His suggestion was to listen to talk radio in the car for the next few weeks.

I figure I'll see the Fear come back between now and the 22nd, then the 26th. It's ugly and I'm not proud of myself for being so thoroughly in its grip, but this, too, is a part of living with cancer. I am surrounded by loving friends and family, and calendula_witch is beyond stellar, and so with cancer I shall live.

Damn it all.

Post A Comment | 21 Comments | | Link






Kari Sperring
User: la_marquise_de_
Date: 2009-10-08 13:09 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
All best wishes.
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User: jess_ka
Date: 2009-10-08 13:13 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:luminousrain
Hey, Jay. Hugs.
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fjm
User: fjm
Date: 2009-10-08 13:31 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I like your therapist. S/he clearly specialises in the kind of terribly pragmatic, totally inappropriate mode that I embrace :-)

much love
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Clint Harris
User: wendigomountain
Date: 2009-10-08 14:12 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Won't talk radio just make you paranoid and possibly...Republican? *shudder*

Too bad that song was the Fear trigger this time around. It's really a great song!
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Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2009-10-08 14:17 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Heh. We actually discussed the emotional impact of talk radio. Turns out unbeknownst to me there's now a progressive talk radio station in Portland. (I gave up on talk radio years ago, when it became the exclusive domain of trailer park cranks.)
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Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2009-10-08 14:18 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
One of the most prominent local/regional talk show hosts here in Portland carries a gun at all times to protect himself from violent, dangerous liberals. Project much, dude?
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Clint Harris
User: wendigomountain
Date: 2009-10-08 14:57 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
No kidding! That guy needs to switch to decaf.

Out here in Colorado, the liberals get Boulder and the two PBS channels, the conservatives get AM radio dial where they can rant and rave at 100,000 watts. And those of us in the middle can plug our ears to both and say "La la la la la Not listening!"

It's very harmonious because we all miss Stapleton Internation Airport and think DIA should be called DOA.
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sheelangig
User: sheelangig
Date: 2009-10-08 14:15 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)

Being proud or not proud of The Fear has no useful point. We'd all like to be superheroes, who don't get scared, but we just ain't. I find it difficult enough to deal with large emotions without getting into having judgement and emotion about the original emotions. So, I'm working on just accepting my overwhelm as just part of what goes on.

(Also, just yesterday, I got put on anti-anxiety meds. I work to accept the emotions as normal and not be judgemental about them, *and* I still need to be able to get a metric ton of practical damn work done. I don't think this is a contradiction.)
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Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2009-10-08 14:16 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
How *are* you doing?
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sheelangig
User: sheelangig
Date: 2009-10-08 15:00 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)

I'm occasionally okay-ish and occasionally overwhelmed. I don't have breast cancer, you did hear that, right? The biopsies all came out clear. I just have dueling scars. I find it interesting that I'd really rather have had cancer than move to California. There's some part of me, deep below the water line, that must see this move as a major threat to my life, and I just can't seem to reason with it.

In all our huge amounts of spare time, we should get together and hold hands and panic.
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coreolis
User: curiositist
Date: 2009-10-08 15:07 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
xjnavivex has a great idea. Audio books. If you want something educational, check out k12.com who have a wide range of university classes on audio. They're NOT cheap, but those I've tried are really good lectures by excellent profs.
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Bibbit
User: bridget_coila
Date: 2009-10-08 15:36 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
{{{hugs}}}

Best of luck at the next appt...

and I second the audiobooks suggestion... or the lectures thing or just general interesting podcasts...

B
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(no subject) - (Anonymous)
Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2009-10-08 16:23 (UTC)
Subject: Re: Tangential
http://www.flickr.com/photos/jaylake/sets/72157594172137762/
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(no subject) - (Anonymous)
Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2009-10-08 16:37 (UTC)
Subject: Re: Tangential
I should be so lucky!
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The NewroticGirl: Garfield bear hug
User: newroticgirl
Date: 2009-10-08 16:30 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:Garfield bear hug
<3
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e_bourne
User: e_bourne
Date: 2009-10-08 16:39 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Mark is forbidden from listening to talk radio. It's one thing to have The Fear. It's another to have The Fear and The Anger... More than -I- can cope with. :-)

For me, there's nothing to do with the severe emotions but let them blow through. The rollercoaster is no fun. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. Truly. You are never far from our thoughts, and I know Mark, particularly, feels a closeness.
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Michael Curry: brutal
User: mcurry
Date: 2009-10-08 16:59 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:brutal
Yeah, I'd go with audiobooks or instrumental music before I'd switch to talk radio. The progressive station might not make you angry at them, but they'll probably make you angry with them. Plus they'll probably be talking about health care a whole lot.

Stay strong!
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shelly_rae: Blue Hippo=Strong
User: shelly_rae
Date: 2009-10-08 17:45 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:Blue Hippo=Strong
Cancer is such an crappy roommate. I've kicked him out twice now. Even when he's gone he's left garbage lying around that comes back to visit us--usually on a regular schedule. We do the best we can. Give the fear to your friends to share Jay--we'll help in our muddled best ways.
Listening to talk radio is not a bad idea. I'm thinking about getting a dog to help me through the current junk. I find if I have someone else to focus on I do less dwelling on the fears. But that's just my method.
Hugs, and love and understanding and a touch of we'll get though.

And sometimes it feels good to break something. I bought a set of cheap but pretty plates at goodwill and took them to the ocean and , ahem, set them free....

Anon

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miki garrison: kiss
User: mikigarrison
Date: 2009-10-08 18:15 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:kiss
*hugs* I wish all of this had an easier answer for you.
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fledgist
User: fledgist
Date: 2009-10-08 18:23 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
My sympathies, Jay. All I can do is wish you the best.
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