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[cancer] Fear, moving like a slow tide - Lakeshore
An author of no particular popularity

Jay Lake
Date: 2009-10-13 17:19
Subject: [cancer] Fear, moving like a slow tide
Security: Public
Tags:calendula, california, cancer, cars, health, personal
I had an absolutely lovely weekend in San Francisco with calendula_witch. This included hanging with the_ogre, attending Writers with Drinks, visiting Borderlands Books for a copy of Madness of Flowers, and a classic car picnic on Sunday. But much of the weekend was colored by a rather slow-moving and faint yet pervasive bout of the Fear.

This is not the usual pathology of my Fear. I typically experience a short, sharp attack of anger, grief or depression, sometimes to the point of being physically overwhelemed, then, within about ten minutes or less, I'm fine. Sort of like flybys.

Instead it was in and around me, lapping at me, growing.

calendula_witch outdid herself in listening to me, loving me, giving me a safe emotional context to work this out. We had some intense moments, all to the good, but man, it's tough stuff.

At this point I'm starting to resent the Fear precisely because it does feel relict. Hey, I've been living with this shit for a while. In some senses, I'll be living with it for the rest of my life, no matter how this next few rouns goes. So, erm, can I please be excused?

But no. And yes, I know it would be far weirder if I wasn't reacting. But Ghu, I'm tired of being this way, even intermittently.

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User: deborahjross
Date: 2009-10-14 00:47 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:dolomites
[[hugs]] As you know, I walked through some of this second-hand earlier this year with my best college friend. Her prognosis has gone from really-crappy to in-remission-until-proven-otherwise.

I wonder if some of the techniques used for trauma survivors, like EMDR, might be helpful.
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Renegade Vagabond
User: khaybee
Date: 2009-10-14 00:52 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Love and support to you. I just had a bit of a "health surprise". Nothing serious, just a sudden need for a low-risk procedure. The doctor initially tried to schedule it for my birthday, but I talked her out a week. This year on Halloween, I'll either be in the hospital or just out. I have a whole copse of fears surrounding this.
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Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2009-10-14 01:07 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I heard of this from D. Low-risk is good. You will be magnificent. Love and support to you as well.
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User: joycemocha
Date: 2009-10-14 01:34 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Hugs.

Trust me, after today, I really, really understand getting sandbagged by irrational emotional crap that will not go away. It is not fun.

Thinking good thoughts for you about next week's imaging, and that the Fear keeps its claws out of you.
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User: xjenavivex
Date: 2009-10-14 02:20 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
You were in SF. This was more of a FEAR fog.

In all seriousness, thanks for allowing us to walk along with you, Jay. Thanks for not trying to go it alone.
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User: joycemocha
Date: 2009-10-14 03:02 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
FYI, even though this is written by a breast cancer oncologist, I think you might appreciate this one:

http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/magazine/articles/2009/10/04/will_he_hold_your_purse/

I've known Robin, the writer, via e-list for years and watched her writing develop. I don't know if this link will help for you at all, but I thought you might appreciate it...
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shelly_rae: Grumpies
User: shelly_rae
Date: 2009-10-14 06:44 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:Grumpies
At times the fear is like a roommate from hell--I've given him an eviction notice, why is he and all his crap still in my living room? I toss him to the curb and yet somehow he creeps in and leaves his dirty socks on my floor and a ring in the shower.

My happy place now is looking for a house to call me casa. I'll know it when I see it and the roommate is not welcome.

Meanwhile...can you sneak in a visit to the Tar Pits? I don't know about you but for me seeing a wall of Dire Wolf skulls leaves me happy all day long.
But I'm just like that.
Anon
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Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2009-10-14 12:58 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Shan't make it to the Tar Pits, sadly. Which would have been awesome... Coming home instead.
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martyn44
User: martyn44
Date: 2009-10-14 08:26 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Not much I can say, except be strong and accept the strength of those around you, those who love you, those who are your virtual friends. You are an inspiration to us. Live that life and squeeze every drop from it.
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Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2009-10-14 12:59 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Thank you.
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