Jay Lake (jaylake) wrote,
Jay Lake
jaylake

[cancer] Fear, moving like a slow tide

I had an absolutely lovely weekend in San Francisco with calendula_witch. This included hanging with the_ogre, attending Writers with Drinks, visiting Borderlands Books for a copy of Madness of Flowers, and a classic car picnic on Sunday. But much of the weekend was colored by a rather slow-moving and faint yet pervasive bout of the Fear.

This is not the usual pathology of my Fear. I typically experience a short, sharp attack of anger, grief or depression, sometimes to the point of being physically overwhelemed, then, within about ten minutes or less, I'm fine. Sort of like flybys.

Instead it was in and around me, lapping at me, growing.

calendula_witch outdid herself in listening to me, loving me, giving me a safe emotional context to work this out. We had some intense moments, all to the good, but man, it's tough stuff.

At this point I'm starting to resent the Fear precisely because it does feel relict. Hey, I've been living with this shit for a while. In some senses, I'll be living with it for the rest of my life, no matter how this next few rouns goes. So, erm, can I please be excused?

But no. And yes, I know it would be far weirder if I wasn't reacting. But Ghu, I'm tired of being this way, even intermittently.

Tags: calendula, california, cancer, cars, health, personal
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