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Lakeshore
An author of no particular popularity

Jay Lake
Date: 2009-10-19 05:27
Subject: [cancer] Three maps, one road; and the Fear
Security: Public
Tags:calendula, cancer, child, conventions, family, personal, travel
This just in: cancer sucks.

Nothing new to report on from the medical perspective, and there won't be until after my oncology appointment on the 26th. However, the PET/CT scan is coming up on the 22nd. And, as in the past, the Fear continues to gnaw at me. The pathology continues to be a bit different this go round, more on the existential dread side, less on the outbursts of rage or panic or terror. I suspect this means I continue to adapt. Meditation this morning was...interesting. But that's why I've taken it up, to try to get a handle on this stuff.

I managed to keep very busy this weekend, with the first of the_child's birthday celebrations (she turns 12 on the 22nd), along with Dad's birthday festivities Saturday night and Sunday day. Also had a nice dinner last night with my friend G—. scarlettina is coming to visit today, and will stay through Wednesday, when calendula_witch arrives, on account of they like each other and stuff.

So I've managed to keep myself very busy (read: distracted), which seems to help. As social as I am, I'm also generally fine being alone. But not with the black tide of cancer Fear soaking through the roots of my waking mind.

Interestingly, I'm very focused on the scan date, though we won't get any new information from that process. I'll be in a bit of a sweat over SteamCon weekend, because I'll have refocused on the oncology date the Monday after. By the time I get to WFC, my life will have taken one of three directions. Most likely: another three month scan-and-hold. Next likely: start chemo asap. Least likely: affirmative diagnosis that takes us away from cancer altogether. I feel like a man with three maps, who doesn't know which one applies to the road he's on.

Did I mention that cancer sucks?
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Lawrence M. Schoen
User: klingonguy
Date: 2009-10-19 12:37 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I feel like a man with three maps, who doesn't know which one applies to the road he's on.

I think you should open this up to a vote.
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Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2009-10-19 12:39 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Oh, good plan. You guys would route me through Bogota, then have me wind up in Bas-Lag or something. :p
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Lawrence M. Schoen
User: klingonguy
Date: 2009-10-19 12:50 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
You say that like it's a bad thing?

Besides, you need to brush up on your Spanish. Also, you can pick up some coke for the WFC suite. Quit being such a baby!
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Jay Lake: sanguine-mossy_wall
User: jaylake
Date: 2009-10-19 13:58 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:sanguine-mossy_wall
Oh, heck yes!
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Elspeth
User: evaleastaristev
Date: 2009-10-19 12:59 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
There is a good thing about having the scan before con and getting the info after con. Lots of distractions. And I'm sure enough people who know you there will have read this, so if they have to bring your attention back to the convention, they'll understand where you went.

Good luck, we're rooting for you, and try to have fun this weekend.
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Kari Sperring
User: la_marquise_de_
Date: 2009-10-19 13:05 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Best wishes.
Kari
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ozarque
User: ozarque
Date: 2009-10-19 13:49 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Being afraid is reasonable; anybody in your situation would be afraid. We are all hoping, with all our hearts, for your third alternative to be the one that gets the nod from Providence.
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Jay Lake: sanguine-Elizabethtown_NM_ruins
User: jaylake
Date: 2009-10-19 14:13 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:sanguine-Elizabethtown_NM_ruins
Thank you.
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scarlettina
User: scarlettina
Date: 2009-10-19 13:58 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
See you this afternoon, fella!
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Jay Lake: sanguine-st_helens
User: jaylake
Date: 2009-10-19 14:13 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:sanguine-st_helens
Yay!
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sheelangig: face
User: sheelangig
Date: 2009-10-19 14:23 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:face

Thinking about you.
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manmela
User: manmela
Date: 2009-10-19 14:33 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
As social as I am, I'm also generally fine being alone. But not with the black tide of cancer Fear soaking through the roots of my waking mind.

I get what you mean, but just remember you're never truly alone. Blog on any subject and we, the blogosphere, will have some serious, informative or humorous point to make.

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Judith Agrathea: black and white face
User: agrathea
Date: 2009-10-19 15:06 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:black and white face
I don't have the gnawing fear of cancer to worry about, but I have always had anxiety troubles, though less these days. Meditation has really been the reason for the latter. Really interesting things come to the forefront of the mind sometimes, and it is nice when the body can finally relax when there is so much pressure on the mind adding to the stress of the body.

I often supplement meditation with (or, more accurately, enter into the meditative state through) energy running exercises and visualizations. Grant has gone through these exercises with me upon occasion and says they are very similar to self-hypnosis techniques. I am notoriously bad about turning off my mind and I find the exercises help me more than merely trying to quiet my mind... That seems to happen automatically as I "run my energy".

It can all be very... interesting, as you suggest. And at the very least I am convinced such exercises are self-healing, even if only for the scientifically proven ways they can improve your immune system. Any way we can regulate anxiety and fear is good for battling illness, as it helps remove added stress on the body. But I can't imagine how hard a battle that must be for you.
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thecrimsony: wash2
User: thecrimsony
Date: 2009-10-19 15:42 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:wash2
Now I'm really bummed I didn't get you that shirt in Ocean Shores.


*goes a searchin on the intarwebs*
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frabjouslinz: Me Street
User: frabjouslinz
Date: 2009-10-19 17:01 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:Me Street
Hugs and comfy blankets. I find comfy blankets to be a good palliative to general and/or specific suckitude.
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Kenneth Mark Hoover
User: kmarkhoover
Date: 2009-10-19 19:08 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Got my fingers crossed for you, my friend. *nods*
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miki garrison: bridge troll
User: mikigarrison
Date: 2009-10-19 20:53 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:bridge troll
Meditation is good -- and I'm also a huge fan of biofeedback techniques for this stuff. The combination of the two is a good chunk of what gets me through.

I'd be focused on the scan date, too, in your shoes. It's kind of like you are currently in a quantum state, and the scan date is when your state will be measured and therefor solidified, even if you don't get the results of that for another few days.

*hugs*
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User: the_ogre
Date: 2009-10-19 22:39 (UTC)
Subject: Yup
But you will beat it, 'cause you're like that. And it will be very good to see you at WFC.
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shelly_rae: RSVP Lynden WA Windmill
User: shelly_rae
Date: 2009-10-20 00:23 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:RSVP Lynden WA Windmill
Ever played that "Wack a mole" game? When I was waiting for test results last year some friends took me to some horrible pizza place with lots of games. They let me over to WaM, put in the quarters and handed me the mallet. To my surprise they'd labeled all the moles, tumor, cancer, chemo, malignant etc. I've never had so much fun at WaM. Too bad there aren't pictures, I probably had a maniacal grin the whole time.

See you next weekend...I'm a good navigator for any path.
Anon
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Jay Lake: cancer_tumor
User: jaylake
Date: 2009-10-20 11:28 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:cancer_tumor
Hah! I love that story. Such good fun.

And thank you.
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Bibbit
User: bridget_coila
Date: 2009-10-20 03:58 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keeping busy is good... I can't imagine the level of stress this all must be causing for you!

I hope the results come out showing the best possible outcome. Good luck on the upcoming scan and oncology.
I'm glad to see you have such a great support system. Make sure you get in lots of cuddles from calendula_witch - love is always the best cure for fear stress!

And wish both the_child and your father Happy Birthday from me and Justin!

B
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Jay Lake: child-on_plane_in_China
User: jaylake
Date: 2009-10-20 11:31 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:child-on_plane_in_China
Oi, the stress is coming out my ears. And thank you guys!
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Erin Cashier
User: therinth
Date: 2009-10-20 08:50 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
*hugs*
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Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2009-10-20 11:30 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
You, too, babe.
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kellymccullough
User: kellymccullough
Date: 2009-10-21 14:17 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
*quiet support*
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