Jay Lake (jaylake) wrote,
Jay Lake
jaylake

[cancer] Three maps, one road; and the Fear

This just in: cancer sucks.

Nothing new to report on from the medical perspective, and there won't be until after my oncology appointment on the 26th. However, the PET/CT scan is coming up on the 22nd. And, as in the past, the Fear continues to gnaw at me. The pathology continues to be a bit different this go round, more on the existential dread side, less on the outbursts of rage or panic or terror. I suspect this means I continue to adapt. Meditation this morning was...interesting. But that's why I've taken it up, to try to get a handle on this stuff.

I managed to keep very busy this weekend, with the first of the_child's birthday celebrations (she turns 12 on the 22nd), along with Dad's birthday festivities Saturday night and Sunday day. Also had a nice dinner last night with my friend G—. scarlettina is coming to visit today, and will stay through Wednesday, when calendula_witch arrives, on account of they like each other and stuff.

So I've managed to keep myself very busy (read: distracted), which seems to help. As social as I am, I'm also generally fine being alone. But not with the black tide of cancer Fear soaking through the roots of my waking mind.

Interestingly, I'm very focused on the scan date, though we won't get any new information from that process. I'll be in a bit of a sweat over SteamCon weekend, because I'll have refocused on the oncology date the Monday after. By the time I get to WFC, my life will have taken one of three directions. Most likely: another three month scan-and-hold. Next likely: start chemo asap. Least likely: affirmative diagnosis that takes us away from cancer altogether. I feel like a man with three maps, who doesn't know which one applies to the road he's on.

Did I mention that cancer sucks?
Tags: calendula, cancer, child, conventions, family, personal, travel
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