Jay Lake (jaylake) wrote,
Jay Lake
jaylake

[cancer] Tears fall down like missiles from the skies

What the hell can I say? Cancer sucks. I've been extraordinarily busy, and will continue to be so through the weekend, which is almost certainly a goodness. Sixteen hour workday yesterday (seriously), though scarlettina dropped by for a visit later, so I did get some friend time in. Driving back to Portland today, then hopping a plane for San Jose this afternoon, and on into the madness of World Fantasy, with calendula_witch once more.

Everyone around me is pierced, again. I see it in calendula_witch's eyes, in my parents' faces, in Mother of the Child's voice. I keep apologizing, though for what, I cannot say. I despise being the agent of this terror, bringing it into the camp of my loved ones like a gift horse on Greek-built wheels. Despite my best efforts otherwise, once again I have become a tumor.

I'm not so much with the panic this time, at least not yet. But the Fear is certainly a constant companion right now. Surgery, whatever. This will be a fraction of the trouble of last year's surgery. (Though I hope like hell cancer surgery is not an annual event in my life going forward.) Chemo scares me. The possibility of it being a second cancer scares me.

I thought I was going to write a fairly intelligent post about cancer fear, but I see that I'm just rambling. So, erm, I think I'll go back to being afraid.

And for you arts types, I think I'm going to get a tattoo that says 'CANCER SUCKS'. I'm envisioning it as being like old fashioned typewriter keys, round with letters in the middle, as if sketched in pencil with some cross shading. Anybody got any good photo or image references to art like that?
Tags: calendula, cancer, conventions, family, personal, travel
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