Jay Lake (jaylake) wrote,
Jay Lake
jaylake

[cancer] Seeing the surgeon today

Seeing the thoracic surgeon today. calendula_witch could not be here, so ginastonge is stepping up to be my eyes and ears. I'm amazingly calm this morning. The pot is boiling, but quietly.

On my walk I was thinking about the things I'm afraid of. Some of them are valid, many are emotional responses to the ongoing stress of the situation. Oddly, I'm not particularly afraid of dying (though that's certainly not in the cards at the moment anyway, as anything more than the usual risks of showering, driving the car, etc.).

Things I am afraid of in surgery, chemo and beyond:
  • Losing my ability to write

  • Losing my sexuality

  • The clouding of my thoughts

  • Endless fear

  • Allowing myself to become a victim

  • The processes of chemotherapy

  • That I will be playing whack-a-mole with cancer for the rest of my life

  • That I will keep hurting those who love me by never getting well

  • Leaving the_child, calendula_witch and my parents behind

  • Not being able to be me any more


In truth, the list goes on and on, but most of it boils into the above points. I continue to face it down and move on, because in truth, what else is there to do? A close friend who is a double cancer survivor says, "I don't wear the pink hat." I suppose I wear the pink hat when I talk about this, but what I want most is normalcy, and I am afraid that is gone forever.

Today I find out more. More information is always better.

Tags: calendula, cancer, child, family, health, personal
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