Jay Lake (jaylake) wrote,
Jay Lake
jaylake

[cancer] Closing in

Surgery is in two days. Nothing like a nacho-ectomy to brighten one's holidays. Still, I think this is a good time to have this surgery.

I've been narrowing more and more. It's increasingly difficult to respond to email, and I've become almost utterly single threaded. I know from last year's cancer surgery that this is normal for me pre-op, but I have some pretty serious hate for what the whole business does to my mind and my emotions.

shelly_rae has been here since my return from California last week, being an absolute brick, and serving as my cancer buddy. calendula_witch arrived last night, bearing my heart with her. I've got an H1N1 shot today (finally!) and a therapist's appointment, some friend/family stuff tomorrow, then, well, that's pretty much it for a while.

This blog will be going dormant while I'm in the hospital, at least til I've recovered sufficiently to peck at a keyboard. calendula_witch will be posting updates on her blog, and she'll have the keys to my Twitter feed, @jay_lake, for realtime updates during surgery and my post-operative stay in the ICU.

My state of mind is about what you'd expect. A mix of dread, terror and anticipation. Two days from now I jump off a cliff and begin a long fall that won't really end before next July when I've tapered off chemo.

I never wanted this. No one ever does, I guess. Sometimes the sheer horror of it all just overwhelms me. I just hang on to the notion that I'll eventually get my life back.

Tags: calendula, cancer, family, health
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