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[cancer] More surgery today - Lakeshore — LiveJournal
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Jay Lake
Date: 2009-12-16 06:17
Subject: [cancer] More surgery today
Security: Public
Tags:cancer, child, health, personal
I spent some time in bed this morning imagining a world where I declined chemotherapy. (My therapist says I perhaps have too much imagination, I point out that I am a paid professional imaginator.) I imagined not going in to the hospital this morning for more surgery, to have a port implanted in my chest. I imagined not lying in the big chair every two weeks and poisoning myself close to death so the cancer cells would die just a little faster. I imagined not ravaging my body, my mind and my spirit. I imagined not making my private hero's journey through the dark underground of cytotoxic drugs and spear wounds in my side. Then I imagined the tumors coming back and back and back, as they have proven they can and will do.

I'm not having adjuvant chemo. We don't have a tumor to target. This entire course of treatment is speculative. Maybe if we do this, it won't come back. Maybe if we don't do this, it will come back. Maybe I can live to see my daughter graduate from high school, maybe I can live to love the people in my life and write the books in my soul and see another 10,000 sunrises. Maybe I can not spend my life wandering from opiate haze to chemo daze.

But I will never again be who I was.

Today, I will be an unconscious, naked person whose neck and chest are being opened, to spare the already troubled veins in my arms months of abuse.

Do I embrace this? No.

Do I fear this? Yes.

Do I do this anyway? Of course.

Still, there are some merit badges you never want to earn in this life.

Watch this blog and/or my Twitter feed for surgery updates. shelly_rae will be managing the infofeed today, also via her Twitter feed at @shellyraeclift.

Post A Comment | 22 Comments | | Link

Laura Anne Gilman
User: suricattus
Date: 2009-12-16 14:19 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
will have the prayer-cats spinning for the proper results, today and down the road.
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User: dragonmyst
Date: 2009-12-16 14:40 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family & friends today. {{huggs}}
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it's a great life, if you don't weaken
User: matociquala
Date: 2009-12-16 14:40 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Strength to your hand.
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User: fjm
Date: 2009-12-16 14:46 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Thinking of you very hard.
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cathschaffstump: hercules
User: cathschaffstump
Date: 2009-12-16 14:58 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
May the powers that be watch over you today, Jay.

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Sean P. Fodera
User: delkytlar
Date: 2009-12-16 15:21 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
“The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding, go out to meet it.” - Thucydides

Thinking of you, and keeping you in my prayers, Jay.

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Michael Curry: brutal
User: mcurry
Date: 2009-12-16 15:25 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Brave Jay is brave. Thanks for fighting for your future, so we can all share it with you.
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User: varkat
Date: 2009-12-16 15:27 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I'll be praying for you today. Love and healing thoughts from FL.
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Kari Sperring
User: la_marquise_de_
Date: 2009-12-16 15:36 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Best wishes. (Goes and lights candle.)
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User: madrobins
Date: 2009-12-16 15:52 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I add all my thoughts and bright stars to the many out there. May the day go quickly and easily for you.

And maybe we'll have to get you a t-shirt that says "Professional Imaginator." Or possibly, "Don't Try This at Home."
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User: bridget_coila
Date: 2009-12-16 15:59 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Best wishes... stay strong and brave and surround yourself with love... you deserve to be well again and I hope that day comes for you soon...

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scarlettina: Hug
User: scarlettina
Date: 2009-12-16 16:00 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
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User: kzmiller
Date: 2009-12-16 16:48 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I'll be thinking about you. Not sure that sort of thing helps, but what the hey, can't hurt.
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User: leesmiley
Date: 2009-12-16 17:03 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Good luck, Jay! If it's all the same to you, though, I think I'll avoid reading this particular post until after I've finished my chemo. It put a serious dent in my denial.
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User: deborahjross
Date: 2009-12-16 17:32 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:crone with wreath
Resonance here on the "life will never be the same." Sometimes it's because of what we have chosen, sometimes because of what comes hurling down at us, thunderbolts and earthquakes and all.

When people say we're never given more than we can handle, I want to scream in their faces. It's so easy to say when you haven't faced that borderline between survivable and not, and not known which side you were going to fall off on.

The best advice I was ever given was: Remember to Breathe.

The second best, Don't Go There Alone.
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User: zhaneel69
Date: 2009-12-16 18:58 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Love and hugs, you are handling this with more grace and dignity than I could muster.
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User: the_ogre
Date: 2009-12-16 20:06 (UTC)
Subject: ...
I don't know how to say it any better or more thoroughly than I have previously, so at the risk of repeating myself: you will get through this - it will suck for a while, then you'll be done, having shown those pesky cancer cells that *you* are the one in charge. In the meantime, your friends and loved ones will do all we can to help out.
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Away Above the Chimney Tops
User: boobirdsfly
Date: 2009-12-16 21:56 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Blessings on you.
There is no right answer is there?
But your will to live and do what must be done is admirable.
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User: klwilliams
Date: 2009-12-16 23:59 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
But I will never again be who I was.

No one is. You can still continue to be a great professional imaginator, though.
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Christopher Kastensmidt
User: ckastens
Date: 2009-12-17 00:21 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Good luck.
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Leah Cutter: Battle lines
User: lrcutter
Date: 2009-12-17 05:53 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:Battle lines
Keeping you in my thoughts. Really want all of this to come out great for you.

::massive hugs::
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