December 16th, 2009

a-links

[links] Link salad goes under the knife again today

A reader reacts to Green Powell's | Amazon | Kindle | Barnes & Noble | Borders ] — They really, really, really didn't like it.

On the other hand, "Rolling Steel" is well-reviewed — Rich Horton's summary of Clarkesworld says nice things about "Rolling Steel", by calendula_witch and me.

TOC: Is There Anybody Out There? edited by Nick Givers & Marty Halpern — I've been meaning to post this. My Sunspin story, "Permanent Fatal Errors", will be in this volume.

Dornier Do-X Flying Boat — One of my favorite aircraft ever. if I were stupid rich, I'd own a fleet of classic flying boats.

Top 10 Astronomy Pictures of 2009Bad Astronomy with some awesomeness.

Planets around sun-like starsCentauri Dreams with more exoplanetary coolness. I wonder how this stuff sits with Young Earth Creationists, ID proponents and other literally minded fools.

Who made the giant Jurassic sea-floor gutters? — Darren Nash talks about trace fossils. I love the idea of behavioral fossilizaton. (I once saw a fossil in the State Central Museum in Ulaan Baator of two small dinosaurs who'd died fighting.)

Return of the steam engine? — Will we all get punked?

Lieberman's Vanity — Ta-Nehisi Coates quoting Huffington Post on Lieberman and healthcare reform. This has been dissolving before our eyes. Last week the Senate deleted the ban on lifetime caps, which will quite possibly be a death sentence for me someday. (My conservative friends who favor the current system might want to consider how they'd feel in my position.) I wonder why I'm a progressive, if this crap is what a 60-vote majority in the Senate gets us.

?otD: Got surgery?



12/16/2009
Body movement: 30 minute stationary bike ride
Hours slept: 7.5
This morning's weigh-in: 225.0
Currently reading: Finch by Jeff VanderMeer

cancer_tumor

[cancer] More surgery today

I spent some time in bed this morning imagining a world where I declined chemotherapy. (My therapist says I perhaps have too much imagination, I point out that I am a paid professional imaginator.) I imagined not going in to the hospital this morning for more surgery, to have a port implanted in my chest. I imagined not lying in the big chair every two weeks and poisoning myself close to death so the cancer cells would die just a little faster. I imagined not ravaging my body, my mind and my spirit. I imagined not making my private hero's journey through the dark underground of cytotoxic drugs and spear wounds in my side. Then I imagined the tumors coming back and back and back, as they have proven they can and will do.

I'm not having adjuvant chemo. We don't have a tumor to target. This entire course of treatment is speculative. Maybe if we do this, it won't come back. Maybe if we don't do this, it will come back. Maybe I can live to see my daughter graduate from high school, maybe I can live to love the people in my life and write the books in my soul and see another 10,000 sunrises. Maybe I can not spend my life wandering from opiate haze to chemo daze.

But I will never again be who I was.

Today, I will be an unconscious, naked person whose neck and chest are being opened, to spare the already troubled veins in my arms months of abuse.

Do I embrace this? No.

Do I fear this? Yes.

Do I do this anyway? Of course.

Still, there are some merit badges you never want to earn in this life.

Watch this blog and/or my Twitter feed for surgery updates. shelly_rae will be managing the infofeed today, also via her Twitter feed at @shellyraeclift.