August 12th, 2010

a-links

[links] Link salad has nothing clever to say

Don't forget the new caption contest [ jlake.com | LiveJournal ]

APOD with a very nice Perseid photo

NYT On The So-Called "Ground Zero Mosque."The conservative media lied about the location of the project, they lied about Rauf's background, they lied about the project's funding, they lied about when the project would be built, and they lied about Rauf's political beliefs. And it would have been one thing if it had just been a small group of people lying, but they had an entire cable news station to lie for them, and politicians who were willing to amplify their smears. More (and excellently so) from The New Yorker

Conservapedia: E=mc2 Is A Liberal Conspiracy — Really, guys, you're not helping your political cause when it's bound up with arrant nonsense like this.

Where's This Headed?It's simply not healthy for a Democracy when you have a relatively large percentage of the population believing crazy theories about plots against the United States executed by the UN, or a secret one-world government, or whatever it is these folks believe. This kind of paranoia is poisonous to a Democracy, and opens the doors to demagoguery of the most dangerous type.

Explaining Palin's Manner of Speaking — Content-free discourse delivered with smiling confidence worked remarkably well for Reagan, why not Palin?

It's getting to be embarrassing to be a conservative — How do you think the rest of us feel about this?

?otD: Doctors keep practicing medicine. When will they get it right?




8/12/2010
Writing time yesterday: 0.0 hours
Body movement: 40 minute urban walk
Hours slept: 7.5 (solid)
This morning's weigh-in: n/a
Yesterday's chemo stress index: 8/10 (emotional distress, fatigue, peripheral neuropathy)
Currently (re)reading: Precursor by C.J. Cherryh

signs-life_preservers

[cancer] Melting down like an ice cream cone on an August sidewalk

Yesterday, most of what I expected was confirmed. calendula_witch commented as well. In short, I am almost certainly entering my third round of cancer in the past three years, with a second metastasis, this time in my liver.

Apparently, I'm collecting organ systems one by one. Eventually I'll have the whole set, and can make a man of myself.

So late yesterday afternoon I went into a nasty, slow-motion meltdown and (figuratively) threw up all over calendula_witch. I had sad, ugly thoughts, and spoke some sad, ugly words. Revolving around the obvious of course. We worked our way through it, and made things right between ourselves, but damn it was hard and stupid and she doesn't deserve any of it. Neither do I.

I continue to struggle with, among other things, my sense that this is getting worse. The primary cancer in my colon likely took years to develop, they tell me. The lung metastasis last year was 5 mm in April and 10 mm in October, growing about 5 mm in diameter in six months. Call that a growth rate of 1 mm per month (assuming a linear progression for the sake of discussion). The liver metastasis this year was non-existent in November and 29 mm in July. That's a growth rate of about 4 mm per month. While on chemo.

In other words, every time this little bastard assassin child of mine comes back, it stronger, faster and nastier. And yes, three data points doth a trend describe. This is why we had the CT yesterday, to see how fast this thing is growing now. There are three possibilities, it seems to me. One, the tumor has stabilized. Two, tumor has maintained the linear progression and will measure about 33-34 mm. (Which, incidentally, falls within the 5 mm margin-of-error of the CT scanning process, with respect to the current 29 mm measurement.) Or, post-chemo, it has really busted a cap on my liver and is somewhat larger than 34 mm.

Over the past three years, whenever I think I've found the worst-case fear, the reality has trumped my thinking with something even more dreadful.

So I have trepidation about this CT scan. Mind you, it does not matter, we're doing surgery anyway. All this scan will do is establish our risk criteria, and govern whether we rush the surgery (and cancel the New Zealand/Australia trip) or let it happen in mid-September, per the current plan.

Now, take the above-described trending and map it forward. What happens next year? A big piece of yesterday's meltdown was me pouring out my fears about losing my writing career, my Day Jobbe, my ability to care for myself and the_child financially, as I get increasingly sick every year.

I am sane, I am rational, I am emotionally healthy. I am not going to let my fears stop me. But the stark simple fact is that the things I fear from this seemingly endless progression of cancer do have the power to stop me, regardless of my resolve. And I am afraid of that.