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Jay Lake
Date: 2010-01-08 05:22
Subject: [cancer] The dawn of infusion day, the first of twelve
Security: Public
Tags:calendula, cancer, child, family, health, personal
Today is my first infusion day. Though I have some idea what to expect in terms of schedule and activities, thanks to the chemo orientation class we took last month, I don't really know what to expect in terms of my own personal experience — somatically, emotionally, and so on. I will find out as I go. If practical, I will tweet and liveblog the festivities, in keeping with my general policy of oversharing in matters personal and healthwise.

shelly_rae, calendula_witch and I are going walking shortly. One last dose of normalcy. Plus I like walking for a bunch of reasons. When I'm alone, it's very meditative. When I'm with one or both of them, it is some of our best talk time.

I'm calm this morning, so far. This is a metastability rather than true peace. I suspect a broken shoelace would send me either into a rage or desperate tears. Stress is an amazing thing. But here I am, neither in denial nor angry. Acceptance isn't the right word, though. My frame of mind is more determined and grudging than that. I will own this, it will not own me; but in some significant ways, chemotherapy will be the hardest thing I have ever done.

My life is filled with love and support beyond reasonable measure. I have my family, especially the_child, calendula_witch and shelly_rae and many other immediate or intimate frienss around the world, a much wider circle of professional and social friends, acquaintances, fans and connections. Like I've said before, if love could cure cancer, I'd be the healthiest son of a bitch in North America.

But now I must walk through a door I'd never have chosen, to a place I cannot come back from. All I can do is go forward. I have my love and my rituals; my family and my friends; my camera and my keyboard. With these tools I shall walk on. Someday I shall once more walk free.

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User: etcet
Date: 2010-01-08 13:33 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Sometimes "stubbornly resigned" is a tactic of value.

I'm hoping that you may come through this glowing more brightly than your infamous shirt collection, both inside and out.
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Be wise. Be brave. Be tricky.: grice
User: slithytove
Date: 2010-01-08 13:36 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Good luck, Jay. My best thoughts and wishes are with you.
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Lawrence M. Schoen
User: klingonguy
Date: 2010-01-08 13:41 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I suspect a broken shoelace would send me either into a rage or desperate tears.

Loafers are your friends.
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a Me: green snake
User: justanyolname
Date: 2010-01-08 14:01 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:green snake
I'm thinking of you today. May the Force be with you.
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User: mevennen
Date: 2010-01-08 14:07 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Thinking of you today, Jay.
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User: jess_ka
Date: 2010-01-08 14:18 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Thinking about you, Jay. Loads of virtual hugs.
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User: beth_bernobich
Date: 2010-01-08 14:52 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:balloon heart
Sending all good thoughts and love and wishes to you and yours.
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Kari Sperring
User: la_marquise_de_
Date: 2010-01-08 15:04 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Thinking of you.
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User: twilight2000
Date: 2010-01-08 15:25 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I look forward with you to the day you walk free again!
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User: markbourne
Date: 2010-01-08 15:46 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Wishes, affection, thoughts, hopes.
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User: crystalrmartin
Date: 2010-01-08 15:55 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
*Giant Hugs* You'll be in my thoughts today. Sending good karma your way...
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User: mcjulie
Date: 2010-01-08 16:18 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
You didn't ask for it, but I'm gonna throw another "Fuck cancer!" out there for good measure.
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Chris McKitterick: just Chris
User: mckitterick
Date: 2010-01-08 17:42 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:just Chris
Kick this thing's ass for good this time!

It's been a real insight reading your experiences and responses to this whole thing. I hope I don't have to deal with something like this any time soon, but if I do, I expect that your honest reportage will help remove much of the fear that arises from the unknown.
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User: animakitty
Date: 2010-01-08 18:31 (UTC)
Subject: Erf,
Good luck, Jay. And good luck to your pit crew as well.
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Away Above the Chimney Tops
User: boobirdsfly
Date: 2010-01-08 19:48 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Good luck with it all !
You're a star.
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User: lindadee
Date: 2010-01-08 20:51 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Sending good wishes your way.
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