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Jay Lake
Date: 2010-01-26 05:47
Subject: [cancer] Chemo and its discontents
Security: Public
Tags:cancer, family, health, personal
I hate the way cancer bends people around me. The last two days have been very difficult in my family, for reasons which are obvious, and which I will not elaborate on for the sake of the privacy of others. Things seem to be better today, but that remains to be proven.

I've said before that cancer is a social disease. It affects everyone in my circle, from my nearest and dearest to distant friends, and even strangers moved to write to me about the experiences in their lives and families. I receive heart-warming emails, I receive heart-rending emails. Some are both.

But when the stress and fear and rage strike at home, while I'm still flattened by chemo and crawling back out of the drug pit it pushes me into, that redoubles the impact for me. I am surrounded by love, and I love more than freely in return, but sometimes the tide of cancer can even roll over those long, firm seawalls and flood the swamps of my despair.

We go on, because there is nothing else to do. We go on, because that is how we triumph. I go on because I must, because I love, because I cannot and will not do anything else. But some days are damned, damned hard.

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Kari Sperring
User: la_marquise_de_
Date: 2010-01-26 14:58 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
It seems to me that you are always mindful or others in what you do, that you act with grace and dignity towards them most of the time, and you are very hard on yourself when you perceive a slip. This puts you far, far ahead of most of us in the good guy stakes.
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User: sheelangig
Date: 2010-01-26 16:01 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)

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User: farmgirl1146
Date: 2010-01-26 16:56 (UTC)
Subject: you are doing well and doing good
That you have seawalls and rise from that swamp of despair shows how strong you are.

There will be anger, but not really your family and friends with you, or you with them, but anger at the cancer. While you do what you must do, remember that the anger is a sign of love, too.
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User: gvdub
Date: 2010-01-26 16:57 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Any chronic or long term disease can have similar effects on social existence. I've seen some of the same thing, albeit on a smaller scale, with diabetes. There's a definite change in how your friends and family react, and the more public a life you lead, with the larger world as well. It's interesting to discover how many people care.
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The NewroticGirl
User: newroticgirl
Date: 2010-01-26 20:25 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
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User: jetse
Date: 2010-01-26 20:32 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Take care, Jay.

FWIW, you've got my love and support.
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User: jtdiii
Date: 2010-01-27 00:56 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
We are all rooting for you to keep going. Heck my Mom has started following your blog and wishes you well. :)
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Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2010-01-27 00:58 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
:: waves to Mrs D ::
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User: adelheid_p
Date: 2010-01-27 03:14 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I understand, as much as I'm capable. We are here on the journey with you. Let us hold you in our hearts a while and sustain you.
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User: alumiere
Date: 2010-01-28 21:17 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I'll hope since I'm days behind that things are a bit better by now. I can absolutely empathize with this feeling though. Thank you for continuing to write about all of this; it helps in ways I can't begin to express.
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Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2010-01-28 21:24 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
You are most welcome.

And yes, things are better. :)
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