After jet lag had dropped fjm, and I was about ready to go to sleep my own self, , I passed a small amount of tissue with my last bowel movement of the day. This freaked me out deeply. Back in April of 2008, the original indicator that took me to the ER for what became this entire journey of cancer was similar problem, albeit with blood rather than tissue.
I've had very little of the Fear since we've embarked on the treatment course for the lung metastasis last November. Activity is always better than waiting, at least for my psyche. Last night the Fear came roaring back on the heels of that little bit of business. I sobbed my eyes out while calendula_witch held me, and finally went to sleep because there wasn't anything else to do but lie there and be deeply miserable.
I feel a lot better this morning. This likely doesn't amount to much of anything, as I'm shedding all kinds of stuff due to the chemo processes. But it definitely triggered a flashback of sorts, and it knocked me hard at the end of what was otherwise a terrific day.
Like I needed to be reminded of how much cancer sucks.