Jay Lake (jaylake) wrote,
Jay Lake

[movies] Tweetsnarking Luc Besson's The Fifth Element

This evening while resting in my usual end-of-day state of chemo exhaustion, I rewatched Luc Besson's The Fifth Element, which I have not seen since the original theatrical release. Tweetsnark ensued... I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Going to Twittersnark The Fifth Element shortly ... stay tuned #5thelement

Opening credits appear to be outtakes from Lost Highway

Story by Luc Besson, from when he was 15. Wish I could make my high school crap into a big budget movie.

The inside of this tomb is much larger than the outside. Much like my colon.

"Yes, I've got your snakes." Who wrote this dialog?

@stagemypage RT @jay_lake: The inside of this tomb is much larger than the outside. Much like my colon. #5thelement #fb....*PMSL* HahahHAhah!!!!!! :D xx

Coptic Priests are apparently male Bene Gesserits.

The camel does not like the Grappa. Trust Eris, I say.

Hey, this movie also features espressomachinepunk!

Aliens with glowing blue penises. Hmmm.

"Father, this is the most unbelievable thing I have ever seen!" "Ah, ah...are you German?"

Why do the aliens in a French movie (currently) set in pre-WWI Egypt speak English to one another?

Firing Lugers at aliens, always a poor idea.

I like the spaceship, which was apparently designed and built by mud daubbers.

Hmm, something bad just happened. Their response? "Send out a probe." Kind of like dating, really.

Apparently 300 years in the future ear bud technology has been lost. Boom headsets are all the rage.

"Evil begets evil, Mr. President. Shooting will only make it stronger."

"Get out of there. I don't want an incident." You figured this out after you shot the hell out of it with nukes?

Hey, it's Bruce Willis as Harry Canyon! Or possibly Harry Canyon as Bruce Willis...

Wow this cat is psychotic.

The mugging scene, however, is hilarious.

"Very nice hat"

@MurphyJacobs RT @jay_lake: "Very nice hat" #5thelement #fb -- always wondered if he adlibbed that line

"So what you're telling me Father is there's nothing that can stop this." "There is only one thing." Highlander!!!

@davidinindy Love it when I catch @jay_lake live tweeting a movie. Tonight it's #5thelement.

"If evil stands there..." "Then what?" In that light he's going to look like a real mudpuppy. Maybe we can offer a makeover?

"Normal human beings have 40 DNA memo groups." WTF? That's not rubber science, that's play-doh science.

"We put it through the cellular hygeine detector." Woo! Safe sex!

They're making a man now. Just like Dr. Frank N. Furter.

Did he really just say "bombarded by slightly greasy solar atoms?"

:I'd uh, I'd like to take a few pictures. For the archives." For the archives of spank!

She looks like Raggedy Ann after a tour in the flesh pits.

"Activate the phonic detector." Come on, you guys aren't even trying.

Important safety tip, don't taunt the resurrected superalien just because she's cute and you're a dick.

A girl's first view of New York City. From forty stories up...

I want to fly like Superman...

So much for Bruce's cab. He always wanted that sunroof...

"...jella boom." "Boom, yeah, I understand boom." The international language of love.

Now she teaches herself to read by sheer force of will?

Do you guys really want her inside that police cruiser with you?

It's the world's biggest McDonald's sign!

"I only speak two languages: English and Bad English." Hahahaha.

Wow, McDonald's shipping containers. I'd forgotten that.

I love the police cars. Like blue, armored sperm with guns.

"I brought the girl, remember. The redhead?" Yeah, as opposed to all those other girls in this scene.

@LynnFlewelling With blond hair and a tan? @jay_lake They're making a man now. Just like Dr. Frank N. Furter.

"Here, take it. Go ahead. You can call me when you learn how to speak English."

"That whole thing's your name, huh? You have an, uh, shorter name?"

I've got a brand new firearm, you've got a brand-new key! Everybody sing!

"Are you sure she's the Supreme Being?" "Could you ask her if I could have the gun back, please?"

@adelheid_p @jay_lake You are making my evening work drudgery much more enjoyable. That's one of my favorite movies!

She just microwaved an entire turkey...

Gary Oldman in this movie really needs help accessorizing.

"They really make her..." "...perfect, I know." Remember, no pictures for the archives!

@stagemypage RT @jay_lake: Gary Oldman in this movie really needs help accessorizing. #5thelement #fb......Hahhha U r sooo makin me die tonite! :D

This arms trade show is quite something, especially given Oldman's delivery.

Apparently the aliens delivered the case from Pulp Fiction. "Empty. The opposite of full."

"We are warriors, not merchants." "You can still count!" "A little compensation is in order."

:: boom :: "Bring me the priest." Yeah, that was my first thought too, after my first multiple murder.

"I'm glad you've got your memory back. You're going to need it." What were we taking about?

Man, look at Zorn's collection of classic Roombas. "What a lovely ballet ensues, so full of form and color."

@haroldgross Rewatching #5thelement via @jay_lake tweet. A storm of snark, but I still rate the film as one of my favs... some of best sf satire around!

Zorn just deployed a life preserver on his desk. This isn't even surreal. Just fricking weird.

"Your entire empire of destruction comes crashing down. All because of one little cherry." Yeah, had dates like that, too.

"It's gobbling up all the communications satellites in the galaxy." WTF? Need to discuss interstellar vs intragalactic again

Corbin Dallas is now eating dinner on the Bladerunner set, at the noodle stand.

@bikermike I'm thinking a Larse Von Trier remake. RT @jay_lake "We put it through the cellular hygeine detector." Woo! Safe sex!

"No, I don't want to make you beg, I just want an explanation." Been there, done that.

I thought General Monroe took a Leeloo fist in the spleen earlier on.

My god, it's Princess Leia behind him, except Leia by way of Krispy Kreme quality control.

Major Iceborg will accompany you as your wife. "I'm not going."

Corbin Dallas now stuffs four special forces types into his fridge. This is Leave It To Beaver, death match edition.

"Is this the way priests usually take vacations?" "We're not on vacation, we're on a mission."

"This is not an exercise. Can you please spread your legs?" Oh, man, these guys are killing me.

"Sir. Are you classified as human?" "Negative, I am a meat popsicle." Been there, done that, too.

Actual Bladerunner music now. And a tiny apartment chock full of weirdoes.

Her hair matches his shirt. Must be true love.

"Multipass." Multipass! Multipass!

Leeloo Dallas Multipass "Multipass" "She knows it's a multipass!"

"This is the key to the temple. Prepare for our arrival. I must face my destiny." If I had a dime for every time I heard that

"Aliens ahead. Spread out." Mmm, I love good tactics.

"I prefer to remain anonymous." "Corbin Dallas!" My god, it's the gender-ambiguous Soul Train!

"From what I'm looking at, intimate is the stud muffin's middle name." This movie is much better than I remember.

:Tomorrow from five to seven, will you please act like you have more than a two-word vocabulary?" Uh, no.

"Hi." "You speak English now?" "I learned." "Good." Romance, mystery, language acquisition...

"You're going to have to assume your individual position." "I don't want one position, I want all positions!" Hahahahaha.

I love the stoner rasta ground crew with the flameflowers. I don't remember this either.

"I never felt this way before...with a human." "Really?" Expand your horizons, baby.

Meanwhile back on Planet Evil, we still haven't heard of orbital dynamics.

"Why is it sending out radio waves?" "Maybe it wants to make a call." :: ring :: ring :: Hahahahah.

Phloston Paradise is a mighty, mighty ship. Better hope there's no icebergs.

It's Don Ho's floating casino from hell.

"I was in labor for days. This is how you repay me? I should have just gotten a robot."

Who did these costumes? Zombie Coco Chanel?

Hahah. The waiter walks into a room of heavily armed aliens and says, "Showtime." Now if he'd only said "HBO".

The Diva is very...blue. Perhaps Corbin could cheer her up.

She does appear to have a blue penis on top of her head. I'd be depressed, too, if that was me.

Aliens are now fingering the diva's underwear. I hate it when people get short.

Leeloo is now going all Raggedy Ann ninja on the aliens. Like Priss without Roy Batty.

Oh, wait, we do have guns!

Wow, she even does Priss' thrill-to-kick attack. Where's the egg boiler?

@jay_lake I'd like to see Audrey Tautou portray Zombie Coco Chanel.

@Pixelfish I think (for serious) this is Moebius concept art, though.

Gary Oldman ventilates the ventilation shaft.

Somehow watching the Opera House massacre scene makes me want to sing "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down"

"If you want something done right, do it yourself." Advice for the ages. Smarter if you'd checked the luggage first, though.

"What do I do?" "If he moves, squeeze the trigger." "I don't feel right, Corbin." You don't feel right to me, either.

Man, that Diva has some stones. [I kill myself.]

"The gun!" :: Ray rolls him the billiard balls :: "Thanks, Ray."

That's one hell of a bomb, Corbin.

Meanwhile, disappointed Gary Oldman is disappointed. Very disappointed.

RT @GVDub: @jay_lake Probably Chris Tucker's greatest performance ever. I realize that's not saying much, but there it is.

"I.. I.. I've never negotiated." "Mind if I try?" :: bang! :: "Anybody else want to negotiate?"

This movie is a blend of sublimely inspired and deeply stupid.

"What is this thing with all these numbers?" "It's a, it's a..." "If it was a bomb, the alarms would go off" :: woop woop ::

@jay_lake I've seen #5thelement ten times. Easily. It's like the Plain Lays of fun movies.

"You know how to fly this thing?" "Just like driving a cab."

"It's not only advancing, it's moving at incredible speed. We're having trouble following it." Used to have a car like that.

This universe apparently has interstellar communications with no lightspeed lag.

Ok, where did the kid come from? Was he just hanging out in Egypt?

"You've never seen this work before, have you?" "No." "Every weapon has a manual, I'm sure this has one, too."

@jay_lake "If you want something done right....do it yourself"

How do we open the stones? "Maybe it's a charade. A game or something?" Yeah, that's a good idea...

"Corbin my man, I got no fire. Father, you smoke?" One match left... You need a Zippo, man.

Leeloo freaking out at Corbin reminds me of Sgt. Pinback and the Bomb.

Wow. That was the worst case of acid reflux I've ever seen.

Knocked a flaming ball of rock out of orbit.

"They were so tired from their ordeal we put them in the reactor this morning." Hahahahahahah.

Meanwhile, inside the reactor, Harry Cannon and god's female laser are getting it on.

That's all folks, thanks for listening. Don't forget to (re)watch The Fifth Element soon for yourself. #5thelement

At some point, I need to retrieve my prior Tweetsnark about Lord of the Rings.

Tags: cancer, funny, health, movies

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