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[cancer] Rough couple of days, in which I am someone I really don't want to be - Lakeshore
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Jay Lake
Date: 2010-04-09 10:11
Subject: [cancer] Rough couple of days, in which I am someone I really don't want to be
Security: Public
The last two or three days, much of my chemo response has been emotional. I've been slipping in and out of significant depression, been very emotionally volatile, cranky, sulky and generally something of a bitch to calendula_witch and shelly_rae. Some inconvenient lower GI distress has done nothing to ease tensions either, to put it mildly. The litany of objective complaints includes distress from the needle, sleep disruption from the needle, frustration at being unable to shower normally, the house's heating system briefly breaking down, Day Jobbe issues, relationship miscommunications and timing failures, and Ghu knows what else. Pile onto that my depression, frustration and general ill health, and it's a toxic combination.

Back before this all started, when we were setting up schedules and discussing expectations, I pointed out that somewhere during chemo crazy words would start coming out of my mouth. That point has been reached, sadly. And it's hard to talk about being depressed, distracted and emotionally overwhelmed.

Cancer, and chemo, is not some brave battle with me as the courageous front line warrior. It's a stupid, tedious, painful slog through near-fatal poisoning, crippling fatigue and a set of increasingly strong limits on activity, attention span and availability to those who love me and need me.

This sucks. But the alternative sucks more. So I'll accept crazy days and the horrid feelings, and be profoundly grateful that those who love me can do the same and keep smiling.

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barbarienne
User: barbarienne
Date: 2010-04-09 19:46 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
This is #7 of 12 treatments, yes?

More than halfway there. You don't need to be a courageous warrior, just a tenacious bastard.
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User: lindadee
Date: 2010-04-09 19:51 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Take heart, Jay. You've passed the halfway mark. Sending good thoughts your way.

Linda
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The NewroticGirl: Garfield bear hug
User: newroticgirl
Date: 2010-04-09 20:23 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:Garfield bear hug
<3
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Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2010-04-10 15:46 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
How is your hospital experience? :)
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The NewroticGirl
User: newroticgirl
Date: 2010-04-10 16:50 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Going okay so far... as soon as I fart, I'm allowed to go home! Pain isn't too bad, thankfully. I'm just moving slowly.
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(no subject) - (Anonymous)
desperance
User: desperance
Date: 2010-04-09 22:28 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Yeah, that.
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lisatheriveter
User: lisatheriveter
Date: 2010-04-09 20:46 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
You don't have to be a brave little toaster. You just have to keep taking one breath after another. We love you too.
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desperance
User: desperance
Date: 2010-04-09 22:29 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Oh, I totally think he should be a brave little toaster. With a dance, to go with it...

*ducks*
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A large duck: wagon
User: burger_eater
Date: 2010-04-09 21:26 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:wagon
Best wishes, Jay.
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shelly_rae: Jay & Me
User: shelly_rae
Date: 2010-04-09 21:45 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:Jay & Me
This week, actually the last two weeks have been stress filled. Rather than getting the respat that you needed you were flung into caring for others, even me. Sorry that my kitties turned off the furnace today. Bad kitties, no pie! But Jay you've not been a bitch to me. No indeed, you're having a difficult time. I've had difficult times too--wish I could do more to help you through all this.

But, this too will pass. Today starts chemo number seven of twelve (yes, you are now officially a borg. Don't believe me? Check out that port dude). We're here to see you through all this.

And there have been good things this week too. calendula_witch is a step closer to owning a new house. You sold one story, possibly two. Today you made your little girl happy--she had her dad all to herself and all the bacon she could eat. And really? I don't think you've been out of line at all sweets. There is far too much good in you and your nature for even cancer to overwhelm. Crazy words? feh.

But you are right cancer is no brave battle--it's tedious, mind numbing, stoopid forced march through mud, fog and haze. But the one's who love you are here to take up your slack. to love you and see you through this loathesome journey. Cut yourself some slack Jay. We're here, we understand.

Still smiling. Blue eyes, smiling, on you.
love
Anon
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Richard Parks
User: ogre_san
Date: 2010-04-10 02:06 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Tenacious is good. You'll outlast it.
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Lady Jestocost
User: ladyjestocost
Date: 2010-04-10 02:42 (UTC)
Subject: Ooooh! Ick.
I have not done most of the things you mention, for which I'm really grateful.

But the lack of a normal shower I've done, and it's killer. That alone would make me cross beyond belief.

Hugs.
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Lady Jestocost
User: ladyjestocost
Date: 2010-04-10 02:53 (UTC)
Subject: Ooooh! Ick.
I have not done most of the things you mention, for which I'm really grateful.

But the lack of a normal shower I've done, and it's killer. That alone would make me cross beyond belief.

Hugs.
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User: joycemocha
Date: 2010-04-10 03:13 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Hang in there. We're here for you.

Hugs to you and yours.
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Karen
User: klwilliams
Date: 2010-04-10 03:39 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I've often felt that the people who get praised for being brave warriors in the face of battle have it easy compared to the people who stay home and deal with all the problems there, like sick children and leaky roofs. You're on the front line, all right, you just got stuck with the hard job. My money's on you for the win.
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frabjouslinz: Me Street
User: frabjouslinz
Date: 2010-04-10 06:16 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:Me Street
I always want to throw a giant screaming, breaking things tantrum in the midst of when I'm supposed to be calm and reasonable. I doubt I'd be handling things anywhere near as well as you have been given similar circumstances. From all reports, you've been pretty steady. But if you decide on that tantrum, give me a call, and I'll bring you some cheap dishes. And a helmet.
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Christopher Kastensmidt
User: ckastens
Date: 2010-04-10 11:14 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
So difficult. A poison so powerful that it seeps into every part of your life, mental and physical. As always, wishing you the best. Fight the daily battles as best you can, and please win the war!
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e_bourne
User: e_bourne
Date: 2010-04-10 17:58 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
So the words slide out and it's OK. You're loved and you love, and this is very, very hard. I don't know anyone who has gone through this who doesn't struggle with the slogginess of forever feeling saturated with venom, and its aftereffects.

The middle is tough. It's the middle. Hell, you should see my middle, not the sight I would want it to be. Oh wait, I'm seriously straying.

Give my love to Shelly and Shannon and keep some for yourself.
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