Jay Lake (jaylake) wrote,
Jay Lake

[cancer] Rough couple of days, in which I am someone I really don't want to be

The last two or three days, much of my chemo response has been emotional. I've been slipping in and out of significant depression, been very emotionally volatile, cranky, sulky and generally something of a bitch to calendula_witch and shelly_rae. Some inconvenient lower GI distress has done nothing to ease tensions either, to put it mildly. The litany of objective complaints includes distress from the needle, sleep disruption from the needle, frustration at being unable to shower normally, the house's heating system briefly breaking down, Day Jobbe issues, relationship miscommunications and timing failures, and Ghu knows what else. Pile onto that my depression, frustration and general ill health, and it's a toxic combination.

Back before this all started, when we were setting up schedules and discussing expectations, I pointed out that somewhere during chemo crazy words would start coming out of my mouth. That point has been reached, sadly. And it's hard to talk about being depressed, distracted and emotionally overwhelmed.

Cancer, and chemo, is not some brave battle with me as the courageous front line warrior. It's a stupid, tedious, painful slog through near-fatal poisoning, crippling fatigue and a set of increasingly strong limits on activity, attention span and availability to those who love me and need me.

This sucks. But the alternative sucks more. So I'll accept crazy days and the horrid feelings, and be profoundly grateful that those who love me can do the same and keep smiling.


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