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[cancer] Oh, god, the dreams, make them stop - Lakeshore — LiveJournal
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Jay Lake
Date: 2010-05-06 05:26
Subject: [cancer] Oh, god, the dreams, make them stop
Security: Public
Tags:calendula, cancer, child, dreams, health, personal, stories, writing
This morning calendula_witch and I are going in to the infusion center to have my bloodwork done and my needle set into the port. Well, in the reverse order, actually, but the outcome is that I walk around all day with the needle in.

The last two times I've gone in, they've had problems setting the needle. The port has sunk and tilted, so it's no longer normal to the plane of the skin of my chest, and there's far more intervening tissue than should be present by design. This has led to some rather difficult and painful efforts at setting the needle. Intramuscular injections of saline are to be avoided where possible, I'm here to tell you.

This past time, one of the senior nurses had to take over, and go through it very carefully. I made a point of asking that she document the process for my current port position in my chart, to smooth along these next four sessions. Not looking forward to it.

In other news, yesterday was a little slow due to poor sleep, but not abysmal. And something very odd happened about 3:30 or so. I was reading Terry Pratchett when writer brain poked me and said, hey, hey, let's revise some old stories you never sent out. So I did. Worked for about an hour, got two pieces of short SF out to be read. Weird. Writer brain has been fighting me all through April, so when I finally give it a rest, then it pipes up and wants to go party. Probably no writing today, btw, because of bravado111's reading and signing at Powell's Cedar Hills tonight. We'll be scooting over there this afternoon for a pre-event prandium, which will soak up both my available time and my available spoons. I'll be at the event if my energy holds out.

However, last night's sleep was abysmal, even for having logged some pretty good hours in the rack. Around 1 am I was dreaming about me and calendula_witch hiking in Mexico (there's more to it, involving a very out of place Pennsylvania state trooper and a ruined bar, but it wasn't all that inherently interesting). At one point in the dream we were along a cliff face, as happens on trails here in Oregon, when I bumped into her through sheer clumsiness, as a result of which she slipped and fell, tumbling several hundred feet. I could see her face as she plunged to her death. I went from sound asleep to wide-awake adrenaline-fueled panic in no time flat, very nearly erupting into screams before I realized it was a dream. I had to go out into the living room and hyperventilate a while, and never really did calm down. Even now, I still have something of an adrenaline hangover.

The last time this happened to me was several years ago, when I dreamt the_child had fallen off a high rise balcony. I very nearly jumped after her.

I'm usually a fairly lucid dreamer, but sometimes I'm "dreaming real". Both of those dreams felt like real experiences in the moment. Experiences I never, ever want to repeat.

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Leah Cutter: True Nature
User: lrcutter
Date: 2010-05-06 15:31 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:True Nature
My sympathies on the nightmare. I've had the same experience. Like you, I'm a fairly lucid dreamer. I can take control when the dream starts to go bad and rework it. But then there are the "real dreams" -- it all happens so fast and out of the blue and tragedy (or for me, the insane killer) strikes and there's nothing I can do. I'm still haunted by those, frequently.

I hope that the next infusions go smoothly for you.
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The NewroticGirl
User: newroticgirl
Date: 2010-05-06 15:45 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Looking forward to seeing you tonight! <3
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User: crystalrmartin
Date: 2010-05-06 17:31 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I have a relative chuckle-worthy thing to share about dreams. I noticed last week one day that gas jumped up eleven cents overnight to three twenty-three per gallon. I called my mother and we had a huge complaining session about it.

The next day as I'm driving past the gas station, I am shocked to realize it is still three twelve per gallon. I have this memory (read as a dream) of something that never happened. My shock was genuine when I realized it must have been a dream, but try telling my mind that.
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Kari Sperring
User: la_marquise_de_
Date: 2010-05-06 18:18 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Dreams like that are vile. May tonight's be far far mellower.
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User: adelheid_p
Date: 2010-05-06 20:05 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I can sympathize. I once had a dream that my daughter was wearing a shirt that she didn't have at the time and got hit and killed by a car crossing a very busy street. Later, she was gifted with a shirt identical to the one in my dream. I never let her wear it even though she was too young to be crossing that particular street by herself.
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frabjouslinz: Me Street
User: frabjouslinz
Date: 2010-05-06 21:49 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:Me Street
Nightmares like that are so scary. The only thing that works on the adrenaline hangover with me is warm blankets and hot cocoa or tea. So hugs and some of that at you, and I hope you don't dream that anymore.
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User: jenntheamazon
Date: 2010-05-06 21:55 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
It amazing how the mind sorts things out in the form of dreams. I hate lucid dreaming honestly. Had too many bad "real" dreams as a kid growing up, less frequent now that I'm an adult, thank goodness. Either way, its an interesting way the brain sorts itself out when you conk out for the night.

And good for you on asking to have the nurse document things. Smart on ya, Jay.
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