Jay Lake (jaylake) wrote,
Jay Lake

[cancer] A day to remember, days to look forward to

Yesterday was Father's Day, Midsummer's Eve, and the day I came off the pump for the last time in this infusion cycle.

calendula_witch comments here.

shelly_rae comments here.

As for myself, I have all kinds of things to deal with. Prepping for JayCon X, getting back into the swing of being fully functional at work (I expect my first work trip in late July at this point), lining up the various medical followups, not to mention a dental appointment, getting a small problem with my foot seen to, etc.

My two biggest issues right now are, as previously discussed, the transient one of expectation management over the next few weeks, and the larger one of managing my fears and expectations of the future of my cancer.

In terms of the next few weeks, it would be very easy for me to say, "Hey, I'm off chemo, let's go!" But I still have to cycle through the last, and toughest, round of the drugs, which means this week will be the usual exhausting nonsense, no matter what my backbrain is clamoring for. Next week will be the usual slightly less exhausting nonsense. I really don't know what to expect from myself at JayCon, but it will definitely be a lift from my current state.

Otherwise I'm looking at the CT scan on the 16th of July and the oncology consult on the 19th as milestones, with a secondary milestone at my followup colonoscopy in early August. If chemotherapy has been successful and my body has been cooperative, I should be all clean except for a few polyps, which are to be expected based on prior experience. Polyps don't scare me anymore, as they move slowly enough we can catch and kill them before they become tumors. I am a lot more scared of finding spots in liver, lymph or lungs. I've even been dreaming about it. There's about a 40% likelihood of this in the next year, with the odds of recurrent metastasis diminishing over time. I just need to live in the now and look forward to my life, but I cannot pretend the fear away.

Always looking over my shoulder, as one of you very kind folks said in comments.

Meanwhile, the day awaits me, beckoning.

Tags: calendula, cancer, health, personal, shellyrae

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