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[cancer] Almost time to go back to the well - Lakeshore
An author of no particular popularity

Jay Lake
Date: 2010-07-19 05:10
Subject: [cancer] Almost time to go back to the well
Security: Public
Tags:calendula, cancer, health, personal
Oncology consult is at 11 am today. We find out how successful the chemo was, or wasn't. Not to put too fine a point on it, I am terrified.

I did have the expected emotional meltdown last night. This fear, this stress, it grabs hold of me and shakes me like a rat in a terrier's jaws. I even briefly surrendered to the "unfairness" meme, which I normally avoid with great assiduousness. calendula_witch was here, and took care of me. She can be very wise, that woman.

In truth, at this point I am not afraid of another metastasis, per se. I'm not afraid of more surgery. I'm not even all that afraid of the dying, sooner or later, though the sheer waste of dying at this time of my life does offend me. (And no, I am not concealing any mortality prognosis, just making an observation about where cancer can go.) But I am deeply terrified of more chemo. I don't want to lose another 7-8 months of my life, another 3+ months of writing time, another chunk of my energy and physicality and sexuality and psyche.

Truth is, if it comes to pass, I will do what must be done. Because I have no alternative I will accept. Neither wishful thinking nor herbs nor prayer will conquer this bastard assassin I have bred within my gut. I put my trust in modern allopathic medicine because it's the only game in town for what ails me.

In about six hours, I'll know more. With any luck at all, it will be boring. Never in my life have I so fervently wished to be boring and pointless as I do now. I want to be a waste of my oncologist's time.

But right now, I'm mostly scared.

Post A Comment | 14 Comments | | Link






blitheringpooks
User: blitheringpooks
Date: 2010-07-19 12:20 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
We don't know each other. I haven't even read your word (although I've bought GREEN for the Kindle and it's in my TBR folder). I've simply been following your blog because you're on several of my friends' flists.

And I just wanted you to know that you are not alone today at 11. You're surrounded not only by the love and support of your vast network of friends and fans, but also by the thoughts and prayers of those whom you have inspired outside those boundaries. (Although I fully expect to be listed as a true fan once I read Green, from everything I've read about it.)

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Jay Lake: writing-Green
User: jaylake
Date: 2010-07-19 12:35 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:writing-Green
Thank you. (And I hope you enjoy the book.)
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threeoutside
User: threeoutside
Date: 2010-07-19 12:31 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
<3, dood.
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Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2010-07-19 12:35 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
<3
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The Green Knight: Beacon
User: green_knight
Date: 2010-07-19 12:47 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:Beacon
Wishing you many, many years of very boring oncology visits. one as uneventful as the next.
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Autopope
User: autopope
Date: 2010-07-19 13:05 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Best of luck.
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Kari Sperring
User: la_marquise_de_
Date: 2010-07-19 13:34 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Thinking of you.
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zxhrue: please do not put the bones
User: zxhrue
Date: 2010-07-19 14:06 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:please do not put the bones

good luck.
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User: xjenavivex
Date: 2010-07-19 14:10 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
::hugs you tight::
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User: joycemocha
Date: 2010-07-19 14:38 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Thinking of you.
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Keikaimalu
User: keikaimalu
Date: 2010-07-19 15:41 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Good luck today -- may it be as boring and uneventful as possible.

May I suggest Xanax (or its cousin) on days like this? I always thought I had to tough them out, but sometimes chemical intervention eases the unavoidable stress.
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scarlettina: Hope Springs
User: scarlettina
Date: 2010-07-19 15:43 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:Hope Springs
I'll be with you in spirit this morning, fervently hoping that you're a waste of your oncologist's time.
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W. Lotus: Heart's Desire
User: wlotus
Date: 2010-07-19 16:25 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:Heart's Desire
I most definitely do NOT blame you. I'm hoping for good news.
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Michael Curry: alton
User: mcurry
Date: 2010-07-19 17:31 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:alton
Good thoughts and fingers crossed and all of the other things atheists do at times like this. I'm looking forward to hearing some very boring results later!
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