Jay Lake (jaylake) wrote,
Jay Lake

[cancer] Again with the coping

Serious discussion with calendula_witch yesterday about how cancer continues to inflect our lives. This was sparked by a number of factors, including a talk with a dear friend about their brother's rapid decline with a cancer much more aggressive and advanced than mine.

I continue to be reminded that my life has almost literally become a nightmare. The one where you run and run from some dire threat, but you can never quite escape. You're not fast enough, your feet get stuck, you trip and slip. If not a nightmare, a B-movie horror flick.

This isn't something I spend a lot of time thinking about. I'd make myself crazy if I did. But it is one of those inflections.

I've also realized that I'm going to have to be a lot more ruthless about allowing emotional and social drama to go on around me. Simply taking care of myself borders on the overwhelming, let alone my immediate and deep obligations to the_child, calendula_witch, my parents, and so forth. My powerful instinct is to help those around me. If cancer will leave me the hell alone, I can go back to being that person. But that's not who I am today. The hard, selfish decision to focus on myself first wherever humanly possible will be critical if and as this third round of cancer treatments go forward.

Also, I had an insight yesterday about cancer treatment and class privilege. I'll expand that into a blog post for this afternoon or tomorrow morning, mostly just to explore my own thoughts. Speaking as someone who benefits from a fair amount of class privilege, this isn't the most comfortable topic for me, but that makes it all the more interesting.

As always, more to come.

Tags: calendula, cancer, child, family, health, personal

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