Apparently, I'm collecting organ systems one by one. Eventually I'll have the whole set, and can make a man of myself.
So late yesterday afternoon I went into a nasty, slow-motion meltdown and (figuratively) threw up all over calendula_witch. I had sad, ugly thoughts, and spoke some sad, ugly words. Revolving around the obvious of course. We worked our way through it, and made things right between ourselves, but damn it was hard and stupid and she doesn't deserve any of it. Neither do I.
I continue to struggle with, among other things, my sense that this is getting worse. The primary cancer in my colon likely took years to develop, they tell me. The lung metastasis last year was 5 mm in April and 10 mm in October, growing about 5 mm in diameter in six months. Call that a growth rate of 1 mm per month (assuming a linear progression for the sake of discussion). The liver metastasis this year was non-existent in November and 29 mm in July. That's a growth rate of about 4 mm per month. While on chemo.
In other words, every time this little bastard assassin child of mine comes back, it stronger, faster and nastier. And yes, three data points doth a trend describe. This is why we had the CT yesterday, to see how fast this thing is growing now. There are three possibilities, it seems to me. One, the tumor has stabilized. Two, tumor has maintained the linear progression and will measure about 33-34 mm. (Which, incidentally, falls within the 5 mm margin-of-error of the CT scanning process, with respect to the current 29 mm measurement.) Or, post-chemo, it has really busted a cap on my liver and is somewhat larger than 34 mm.
Over the past three years, whenever I think I've found the worst-case fear, the reality has trumped my thinking with something even more dreadful.
So I have trepidation about this CT scan. Mind you, it does not matter, we're doing surgery anyway. All this scan will do is establish our risk criteria, and govern whether we rush the surgery (and cancel the New Zealand/Australia trip) or let it happen in mid-September, per the current plan.
Now, take the above-described trending and map it forward. What happens next year? A big piece of yesterday's meltdown was me pouring out my fears about losing my writing career, my Day Jobbe, my ability to care for myself and the_child financially, as I get increasingly sick every year.
I am sane, I am rational, I am emotionally healthy. I am not going to let my fears stop me. But the stark simple fact is that the things I fear from this seemingly endless progression of cancer do have the power to stop me, regardless of my resolve. And I am afraid of that.