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[personal] Miscellaneous updatery - Lakeshore — LiveJournal
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Jay Lake
Date: 2010-08-15 06:35
Subject: [personal] Miscellaneous updatery
Security: Public
Tags:cancer, dreams, family, funny, health, personal, work
Did something last night in my sleep I've never done before. I woke myself up laughing at a wisecrack I'd made in a dream. I was at a meeting with a mix of Day Jobbe folks and genre writing folks (including zellandyne). Someone made a comment about the scope and scale of a project. I said, "Size matters, but only if you can tell the difference." Which, awake in the sober light of morning, isn't actually that humorous, but was deliriously funny in my sleep. I woke up, laughed, went back to sleep and returned to the dream, which transformed into a frustration dream as I tried to leave the meeting and couldn't find my clothes (they kept falling off), my car keys, my car, et cetera.

Today I'll be doing something I haven't done in a year, which is to go hiking. tillyjane, the_child, calendula_witch and I are hitting the Leif Erickson trail in NW Portland this morning. I have very modest expectations of myself, but I'm damned glad to at least be making the effort.

In other news, things I may have failed to mention about last week include breaking my glasses (and a subsequent rather tedious trip to Costco Optical for repairs), the "air bag" idiot light in the Genre car coming on and staying on, and my knees really being troubled by several days of walking. That last is the most concerning, and I'm virtually certain it's from me having an improper gait due to the numbness in my feet induced by peripheral neuropathy. So I'll be monitoring myself carefully on today's hike. Sometimes I feel like my life is a country and western song — if I had a dog, it would have died, and if I had a pickup, it would be upside down in a ditch by now.

Of course, I have overslept horribly again. Nine hours last night. But that is probably due to spending several late afternoon hours driving around with the_child in yesterday's 100 degree heat, looking for things to photograph and just yakking. I am still frustrated by the amount of sleep my body needs, even now almost two months post-chemo. With what's coming up in the near future, I'll be almost another year before I have a hope of getting back to my normal sleep schedule.

Which in turn leads me to mentioning the thought I'm still wrestling into shape for a blog post of its own. With respect to my ongoing and apparently endless course of cancer, I have refused to accept the limits it places on me, but I am functioning within the limitations. I know what I mean when I say that, but it sounds almost nonsensical. Working on explaining it...

Anyway, today is about hiking, and re-reading Endurance. While I'm out in the real and imaginary worlds, y'all play nice.

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Eposia
User: eposia
Date: 2010-08-15 13:51 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I have refused to accept the limits it places on me, but I am functioning within the limitations. I know what I mean when I say that, but it sounds almost nonsensical.

This reminds me of the approach I took facing my death, right before surgery. I refused to acknowledge directly, to others or to self, the statement "I am dying", and continued to function (pushing the limits of my severely reduced capabilities of the time) as if life, including mine, would continue -- including continuing to learn new skills. On the other hand, I was also very matter-of-factly arranging my last will and testament, medical and durable powers of attorney documents, spending time daily with as many family and friends as possible, making sure everything that NEEDED to be said had been (as best as possible), and in the deeper cycles of my own brain making sure that if this was my last dance that I would die as fully human and right with the world as I could.

Cancer is full of directly conflicting phase-states. What's impressive to me is how many people _don't_ go crazy from that.

(Sorry for all the edits!)

Edited at 2010-08-15 01:53 pm (UTC)
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Elizabeth Coleman
User: criada
Date: 2010-08-15 14:11 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Good luck with the hiking. Jen and I were going to go, but looked at the forecasted temperature and decided the air conditioned house was better.
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ebonypearl
User: ebonypearl
Date: 2010-08-15 16:47 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I have refused to accept the limits it places on me, but I am functioning within the limitations.

I broke my arm last December. It's the middle of August and still broken. I refuse to accept the limitations of a broken arm and am repainting my bedroom - in 8 different colors! - within the limits of a broken arm. I drive, I go to work, I do yard work, I learned to write left-handed and to type one handed, and even though all my clothes and shoes are slip-ons I still dress professionally for work.

So, yeah, I get it. You have limitations, but you still have a life, too.
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User: brownkitty
Date: 2010-08-15 20:27 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I said, "Size matters, but only if you can tell the difference." Which, awake in the sober light of morning, isn't actually that humorous, but was deliriously funny in my sleep.

I'm awake, I'm in the sober light of mid-afternoon, and this made me giggle.

With respect to my ongoing and apparently endless course of cancer, I have refused to accept the limits it places on me, but I am functioning within the limitations.

If you don't push the limits, they shrink. Functioning at the limits instead of a margin inside them, and making a stand against those limits, sounds like a rephrasing of what you've said. I know I'm missing something, but am I slightly off or completely off?
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Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2010-08-15 23:08 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I know I'm missing something, but am I slightly off or completely off?

Actually, you are pretty much dead on... :)
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