Jay Lake (jaylake) wrote,
Jay Lake

[personal] Sleeping it off, walking and talking our way into the new day

We stumbled home from the colonoscopy (and lunch at the Lamp) around 1:30 yesterday afternoon. I spent most of the rest of the day in the big chair, alternately sleeping and resting. This after being unconscious for a couple of hours in the morning during the procedure and during recovery. Then I ate a few oranges, and finally wandered to bed to sleep just shy of ten hours.

Oi. Versed, thy name is logeyness.

A nice walk with calendula_witch this morning, after which she went off to yoga and I made myself breakfast tacos. Scrambled the egg with a splash of water, a splash of milk, a big splash of truffle oil, some garlic powder, some onion powder and some chili powder. Mmm mmm mmm. I'll be around the house much of the day, writing and interacting with the_child. I had hopes of finishing off Endurance today, but everything is running so low and slow I suspect I won't be able to put quite enough time into it. Tomorrow, however, ought to be a wrap.

calendula_witch and I had a long talk on our walk about the issue of limits versus limitations. She feels quite strongly that I fight all this too hard. As she put it by way of example, I am always surprised and annoyed at how much I sleep. (Given that I still think of myself as someone who sleeps well and rested on six hours a night, and I spent about 13 or 14 of the last 24 hours unconscious... well, yeah.)

Her position is that if I can accept what's happening to me, I'll have an easier time of it, and so will everyone else around me. My view is that I accept the limitations — I don't fight my need for sleep, for example — but I reject the limits they place on me and who I am. I'm afraid that if I accept too much of this, I won't retain the strength and toughness to fight my way back to where I want and need to be.

A difficult conversation, though not the least bit acrimonious. She is probably right. But I don't know how to give up, and this acceptance she counsels feels like giving up to me. I can't figure if this is a core strength, a character defect, or both.

Meanwhile, the day awaits, as does Endurance.

Tags: books, calendula, cancer, child, endurance, food, health, personal, writing

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