Our antipodeal vacation did a wondrous job of keeping my mind off this, but it pretty much all came crashing back yesterday. Had a lovely dinner last night with family and friends. Sadly, that seems to be an annual tradition. Managed something of a slow-motion meltdown afterwards when I was alone with calendula_witch. She was quite the loving pillar of support.
The Fear sucks.
As I've mentioned previously, I am quite overwhelmed by the experience of major surgery. I know just enough about anaesthesia to very, very afraid of it. I hate the epidural with a passion though I recognize its effectiveness. The discomforts of recovery, most especially including the catheter, distress me. All the lost time leaves a strange lacuna in my memory, both the black hole of anaesthesia and the strange dream state of post-operative medication.
All of which is to say, I've weathered tougher surgeries than tomorrow's, and I'll pass through tomorrow's just fine. Whatever I think of the toll it takes. The hardest part will be waiting for the pathology report. That's what will confirm the commitment to another six-month round of chemo. Or, slightly possibly, not.
So a lot at stake today. We'll be at the hospital most of this afternoon doing pre-op consultations of various sorts. I'll try to do a summary blog report tonight of whatever there is to be reported. After that, le deluge.