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Jay Lake
Date: 2010-09-30 05:52
Subject: [cancer|personal] Updatery of various sorts, miscellaneous and elsewise
Security: Public
Tags:calendula, cancer, child, family, health, personal, portland
As mentioned in this morning's Link Salad, calendula_witch recaps the last couple of years. She's covering the story of our relationship, cancer and her move to Oregon. Reading that, which I lived through every minute of with her, was sobering. We really have been through the shredder, she and I.

And the shredder got me yesterday. Had a very bad day emotionally. Retreated into some ancient, destructive behavior patterns commingling depression, passive-aggression and rank stupidity. Once again, calendula_witch and I made the save before day's end, but damn this is hard. Somehow it's gotten a lot harder right here at the end. The aforementioned prison riot syndrome.

One danger point is that this is not over. I haven't yet beaten cancer, merely escaped this particular round of treatments due to some arrant good luck. Every single scan is a potential brick wall on the path of our ambitions for life, love, writing and relationship. I am really working hard on living in the now. The future is uncertain country.

calendula_witch has family coming to town this weekend, which means I do. (That is kind of a nice thing to say and think.) What with all the chemo visits and last June's relocation, she's gotten to know my family pretty well. My mom, dad, step-mom, sister and niece all live in Portland, most of them within a couple of miles of Nuevo Rancho Lake. Only my brother is far away. So calendula_witch has experienced the Lakes at full bore for a while. I have met the Witches before, but look forward very much to knowing them better.

In other news, I walked again this morning. And I kept a good, solid pace for the first time since last November, before the lung resectioning. Distance was nothing to shout about, a bit over a mile, but heart rate was up, breathing was deep, and I moved. With any luck, I'll be fit to hike the Gorge trails soon. It's almost the time of year where one doesn't hike the mountain trails unless one is a serious winter sports die-hard, so I'll have to wait til next spring for altitude.

Been a long time since I've been hiking.

Finally, in the proud parent department, I report that the_child joined her school's track team two weeks ago. She is a hell of a sprinter, so of course they put her in a three-kilometer distance event. Kid's never run for distance in her life. Yesterday was her first track meet, mixed-age girls her grade year and the year above. Her school's four-person team all placed in the top 10 of a field of 50, including the_child her own self, who came in 10th competing against girls mostly older and more experienced than her. I am so very proud of her.

Life, maybe, is returning to normal.

Post A Comment | 10 Comments | | Flag | Link

User: biomekanic
Date: 2010-09-30 14:05 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Good to hear the the_child did well.

Maybe they'll give her a chance as a sprinter.
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Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2010-09-30 14:09 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
She is the bomb.

And it was sort of funny seeing her adapting to distance running. The coach had to work at talking her out of just going flat out full tilt boogie, which is so much her style.
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User: joycemocha
Date: 2010-09-30 14:19 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I would like to take the two of you (heck, the three of you) on an easy hike up the Salmon River. If we time it right, we can see salmon spawning. Not a lot of elevation, and mostly flat, beautiful old/second growth.
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Jay Lake: sanguine-mossy_wall
User: jaylake
Date: 2010-09-30 14:24 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I think that would be marvelous!
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User: twilight2000
Date: 2010-09-30 15:42 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Yea for Normal!
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User: maurinestarkey
Date: 2010-09-30 17:35 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
No matter what. Life is good.
Stay Green
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User: bram452
Date: 2010-09-30 17:57 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Reading this, you're reminding me of a couple years back when the Darling Wife couldn't actually eat for about eighteen months. I don't share that crap quite the way you do, so it may have gone under the radar, but it was bad. She couldn't work, couldn't play with the kid. She lost 35 pounds she didn't really have to spare. None of the treatments the GI docs gave us helped at all. It was touch and go whether I was going to have to go back to get a day gig and drop back on the writing. We wound up with a referral to the Mayo clinic up in Rochester.

The good news was that we'd been laboring under a misdiagnosis, and once we got some better data, the fix was actually trivial. But after the fix, it was hard. Massive change -- even massive change for the good -- is dislocating. It's weird, but something really sudden and really transformative and really good requires this fucked up kind of mourning period just the way bad things do.

I don't miss spending nights wondering if I was going to have to sit by while my three-year-old daughter watched her mother starve to death. I hated it a lot. There was no up side, there was nothing that happened then I'm not delighted to have behind me. But it still took a while afterward to get used to the idea of not being that guy anymore, and it was bumpy sometimes.

It's hard, and it's unexpected, but it passes. All y'all just hang tight.
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Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2010-09-30 19:16 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Yeah. That.

And I am *so* glad things are better for you guys.
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User: shaolingrrl
Date: 2010-10-01 04:38 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I'm tellin' ya, she's an Amazon.
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User: ex_camillea
Date: 2010-10-01 04:58 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
It was a beautiful day for a hike today. Sometimes Portland weather is more awesome than others.
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