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Lakeshore
An author of no particular popularity

Jay Lake
Date: 2010-10-07 05:57
Subject: [personal|cancer] A wee bit more updatery
Security: Public
Tags:calendula, cancer, child, conventions, health, personal
Two nights ago I had a terrible sleep. Less than five hours. Yesterday was pretty tough. Last night I managed about eight and a half. Balance seems to have been restored. The experience underscored to me that even though I'm feeling a lot better, I need to protect myself from stress (such as loss of sleep).

the_child did well in another track meet yesterday. I got to go watch her! I don't know the official results yet, and they were running mixed groups in the same heat so even my observation that she finished about 15th in a field of about 75 isn't all that useful.

Saw my therapist yesterday for the first time since the news of my reprieve from this next, planned round of chemotherapy. Near the end of the session he asked why I wasn't more pleased about it all. I told him I was very pleased, but I still had to guard against overinvesting in relief, as any of my upcoming scans could put me right back on the chemo track, and I didn't want the emotional whiplash.

We discussed how lately I've had a very strong feeling of needing to live in the now. I am looking ahead, calendula_witch and I just planned out our convention calendar for the next fifteen months or so, but I suppose I'll always have one eye on the cancer mirror. It doesn't seem possible to dwell on one's mortality constantly. It does seem possible to lose the illusion of continuity of health and life, as I have done so. I'm not even sure it's bad for me to have lost that illusion. The world is just, different. And it ain't ever going back to the way it was.

Still, I am quite happy.

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jimvanpelt
User: jimvanpelt
Date: 2010-10-07 13:03 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Hooray for happiness! It's a better class of problems, as you say (in a different context).
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Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2010-10-07 13:05 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Oh, heck yes. Three weeks ago I thought I was starting another six months of chemo three weeks from now. Instead, I get to see you in Lake Quinalt next March!
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User: jess_ka
Date: 2010-10-07 13:18 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Sleep is key! Let the body sleep. It's like let the Wookie stet, only...not.
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W. Lotus: Peaceful
User: wlotus
Date: 2010-10-07 17:15 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:Peaceful
In the past couple of years I have lost my illusion of continuity of health and life as I have seen people close to me (or important but distant, in the case of two musical personalities) grow ill and/or die. I haven't quite come to terms with losing that illusion, yet. I still feel as though something is very wrong in my world to be so aware of my own mortality and that of my loved ones. You seem to have a much better grip on it than I do.
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Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2010-10-07 20:16 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Either a better grip or deeper denial?

Also my path has been, well circuitous. Yanno?
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jetse
User: jetse
Date: 2010-10-07 19:24 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keeping my fingers crossed that you won't need chemo anymore, although I can (or try very hard to) understand your reluctance to declare victory too soon, and be slapped in the face.

*Sends tons of good karma to you and your loved ones*

I take it as a good signs that you and Shannon have planned your con schedule 15 months in advance. To illustrate: I am meeting my solar eclipse friends this Sunday, where we will be discussing our 2012 plans (two years ahead), both the May 20 annular solar eclipse over the Grand Canyon, and the November 13 total solar eclipse straight over Port Douglas, Australia (a wonderful town).

None of us has the health problems you have (knock on wood), so I (and I think I can speak on behalf of my friends to say 'we') feel privileged.

Hang in there, Jay. I wanna meet you and Shannon again at a future con. Hopefully, someday I want to go to Portland (again: I've been there once), and meet your daughter and the rest of your family and loved ones.
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Jay Lake: sanguine-mossy_wall
User: jaylake
Date: 2010-10-07 20:16 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:sanguine-mossy_wall
I'm glad you can do all that eclipse chasing, my friend. And do come to Portland sometime!
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Joy
User: cithra
Date: 2010-10-07 22:14 (UTC)
Subject: living in the now
This is a mindset cultivated by a lot of folks in recovery from substance abuse. It is definitely useful, although it can seem trite and overly saccharine at times. There are parallels between how you speak of your wariness toward future scans turning up a recurrence and discussions I've had on how to guard oneself mentally against a using relapse...
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Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2010-10-07 23:04 (UTC)
Subject: Re: living in the now
That thought had occurred to me as well. It's a curious parallel.
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Paul Haines
User: paulhaines
Date: 2010-10-07 23:01 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Hang in there, Jay, after a couple of months that will scream by you'll suddenly not realise that liver is sucking everything it can out of you to regrow.

(two months! what? that long! that's an eternity ... nah, man, easy yards especially after a 6 month chemo course).

Be Well.
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Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2010-10-07 23:04 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Absolutely. So far, compared to chemo this is a cakewalk. And thank you...
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fledgist
User: fledgist
Date: 2010-10-07 23:51 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
The important thing is that you are here both to grouch and to rejoice.
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Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2010-10-08 01:34 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Indeed. I know you understand this, being on your own journey of late through the bowels of medical science. Or possibly the medical science of bowels...
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fledgist
User: fledgist
Date: 2010-10-08 12:07 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Both of those, Jay. Not to mention the medical science of kidneys...
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