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[personal|cancer] Energy and health - Lakeshore — LiveJournal
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Jay Lake
Date: 2011-04-06 05:04
Subject: [personal|cancer] Energy and health
Security: Public
Tags:cancer, health, personal
About three weeks, another of the veils came off in my chemo recovery process. Nine months after completing my chemotherapy course, I have finally returned to my old levels of energy, and concomitantly, my old sleeping habits and food metabolism. I've seen a change in my food intake, a drop in my weight, an increase in both my desire for and tolerance of exercise/physical activity, an improvement in my focus and energy, and a sharp rise in my emotional health and sense of happiness.

All just in time for my next scan.

I suppose it's the way the world works. The forthcoming ambiguity is really starting to mess with my head. As I've said before, given my odds of recurrent metastasis, I feel like I'm playing Russian roulette with a half-loaded pistol.

So I'm in the odd position right of feeling better than I have in almost two years while simultaneously holding the dread and fear of losing the next 15+ months to the same brand of hell I've just crawled out of.

The costs of this have been so high, in terms of life and love and everything else. Oh God, do I not want to do it again. But the costs of letting it sweep me away are higher.

Live today. That's all I can do.

Post A Comment | 9 Comments | | Link

User: barbarienne
Date: 2011-04-06 13:57 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Hang in there, Jay. We're all pulling for you. Here's hoping the scan will come back clean.
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mlerules: labyrinth
User: mlerules
Date: 2011-04-06 14:33 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
*keeping digits crossed for a clean scan*

Hmm, following along w/the Etch-A-Sketch model, mebbe if'n we can turn you upside down and shake you it'd help erase any bad stuff that might be building up so the scan's (and your innards're) nice 'n' clear.

*fierce hugs*
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User: cathshaffer
Date: 2011-04-06 14:44 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I'm not sure your Russian roulette analogy is serving you well. After all, it's not sudden death you are facing, but more treatment. I understand you hate and dread the idea of treatment, but comparing it to a bullet to the head might make you feel worse. I hope and pray the scan comes back clear so you can enjoy some more normalcy.
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Kari Sperring
User: la_marquise_de_
Date: 2011-04-06 15:26 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I'm very glad that you are feeling so much more yourself. And sad that it comes with this shadow attached. I am hoping that the scan is clear and you can continue to feel good.
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User: keikaimalu
Date: 2011-04-06 15:27 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Big, big, huge sympathies, Jay.

Do you by any chance have anti-anxiety meds around? I sometimes find that in these high-stress times, knowing there's a reliable way to take a sledgehammer to The Fear can help.

I know The Fear too. For me, it's a sort of creeping dread, because the odds of a new cancer increase a bit every year.

May all your future scans be clean.
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User: rekre8
Date: 2011-04-06 15:35 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
C'mere you.
(Hugs Jay into submission, or at least into giggle fits).
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shelly_rae: Jay & Me
User: shelly_rae
Date: 2011-04-06 16:29 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:Jay & Me
So glad you're feeling like your old-self. Perhaps I can meet that guy sometime.

I'm feeling better too.

Live, live, live! Go, go, go!


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User: cuddlycthulhu
Date: 2011-04-06 18:53 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Good thoughts from the three of us down south (he arrived on 4/1).
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