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[cancer] Settling into a different mind - Lakeshore
An author of no particular popularity

Jay Lake
Date: 2011-04-25 05:22
Subject: [cancer] Settling into a different mind
Security: Public
Tags:calendula, cancer, conventions, health, personal
Norwescon weekend was both rewarding and difficult for me. While I was there, I received an outpouring of love and support from both dear friends and total strangers. But I also found myself uncharacteristically withdrawn, overwhelmed, fatigued. I can already see my healthy mindset melting away and my patient mindset asserting itself in the fog of medical stress.

The habits of illness are so close to the surface for me these days.

Not much is going to happen here until Wednesday's appointment with the liver surgeon, and the first real checkpoint is the port reimplantation on May 10th or 11th. My cancer isn't advanced enough for me to be experiencing direct symptoms. All of this is stuff inside my head and heart.

Also, re-entering the cancer space is reigniting my difficult emotions around the departure of [info]calendula_witch from my life. She made a different choice than I would have preferred, as is very much her privilege. I've been doing a good job of moving on, but I can already tell that my repeated journey through chemotherapy and surgery will be triggering powerful memories, regrets and far more negative feelings. I'm taking this next journey through hell without a love of the heart close to hand, without a life partner.

Cancer is a lonely house in which to dwell even when one is bonded. I am not looking forward to finding out how much more lonely it will be without her.

At least she's free of it this time.

So much churn in my head and heart, and I am only at the beginning of another miserably difficult year-long pasage. I so very badly do not want to do this again.

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User: joycemocha
Date: 2011-04-25 12:32 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Hugs. You may not have a love of the heart close at hand, but you do have a strong circle of friends. We will embrace and support you, all of us.
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The NewroticGirl
User: newroticgirl
Date: 2011-04-25 17:00 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
What she said. <3
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PolyDad
User: polydad
Date: 2011-04-25 13:14 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Hugs as welcome or needed.

best,

Joel
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mlerules: CuMoon pendant w/bee bling
User: mlerules
Date: 2011-04-25 14:04 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:CuMoon pendant w/bee bling
ox
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User: jess_ka
Date: 2011-04-25 14:33 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I'm so sorry, Jay; it's a world of fuck. Just hugs, that's all I've got.
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Keikaimalu
User: keikaimalu
Date: 2011-04-25 15:56 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I hope that you find whatever sources of support help you through it all as smoothly and comfortably as possible. This is such nasty shit. My heart goes out to you.
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User: xjenavivex
Date: 2011-04-25 17:40 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
::hugs you tight:: I am so sorry, Jay. I really am.
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zxhrue
User: zxhrue
Date: 2011-04-25 18:15 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)

whackamole.
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robin catesby
User: deedop
Date: 2011-04-25 21:10 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Hugs, Jay. I know I haven't seen you in forever and have been quiet here and mired in my own BS, but you're in my thoughts as always, and if there's ever anything I can do for you, don't hesitate to ask.
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The Empress of Ice Cream
User: icecreamempress
Date: 2011-04-25 21:17 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I am so sorry to hear this news, but glad to hear about the lack of bloom. I wish you the best possible journey of treatment and recovery.
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The Empress of Ice Cream
User: icecreamempress
Date: 2011-04-25 21:18 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
"Bloom" is such an odd word in this context; I remember having a lot of disjunct about it when my mother-in-law was experiencing her cancer. We usually love blooms, whether they're floral or Leopold, so it's a switch to be dreading them.
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emmainfiniti
User: emmainfiniti
Date: 2011-04-25 22:11 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Internet hugs are pretty inadequate, but for now they are the best I have to offer.
Perhaps you could make some kind of a "wish list" of things that you do like/ would like during this time? You could include everything you want - possible and improbable and impossible - either sorted by type, or randomly jumbled.
E.g. "I need a ride home from chemo on ____ day; I want a nurse who is not too squeamish to wash my privates after surgery so that I don't get a cath infection; I would like to sleep in negative gravity tonight so that I am completely relaxed; I would like a copy of a video of my daughter's sporting event that I had to miss; I just want someone to hold me and not talk or do anything or expect anything; I would like someone to hypnotize me to make chicken noises; I want a magic hat that lets me feel 100% normal for 2 hours (without consequences - no monkey's paw thing, here); I want to meet Julie Andrews; I want 3 people to tell me what they love and hate most about my writing;" etc. etc. etc.
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Jay Lake
User: jaylake
Date: 2011-04-26 00:01 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Chicken noises for the win!

(Actually, holding for the win...)

That's an interesting idea.
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emmainfiniti
User: emmainfiniti
Date: 2011-04-26 11:46 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Actually, I am working on my hypnosis skills.
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Jay Lake: funny-do_not_hump
User: jaylake
Date: 2011-04-26 23:06 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:funny-do_not_hump
"Yeah something called love
"That's like hypnotizing chickens"

-- Iggy Pop, "Lust for Life"
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