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Jay Lake
Date: 2011-05-09 05:46
Subject: [cancer] Flying into the forbidding future
Security: Public
Tags:cancer, child, health, kauai, sex, travel
My weekend in paradise with [info]the_child did me some powerful good. It also provided some powerful father-daughter bonding, adding credit to a life-deep emotional relationship that should carry us both a little more strongly through this next round of chemotherapy. Because as I draft this post, I am on an airplane that is carrying me back to real life towards a crash every bit as rending as a runway bellyflop on arrival would be.

I am experiencing a lot of fear and trepidation about the forthcoming week. Monday is going to be crazy-busy with work, socializing, medical stuff, getting my head shaved, and a girls' lacrosse game.

And that's about it for my normal life until sometime next year.

Tuesday is lost to the day surgery of having my chest port reimplanted.

Wednesday and Thursday will be in substantial part taken up by post-operative discomfort, as I recollect from the last time I had this surgery. Not to mention the final preparations for chemotherapy.

Friday, well, everything changes.

I will be so very compromised at that point. My cognition won't slip out of gear right away, except while I'm actually on the drugs from Friday to Sunday of the chemo weekends, but it's the beginning of a terrible road. My emotional stability has already been slipping from the medical stress. That will only get worse over time. My sexuality will be out of gear almost immediately, as starting Friday my ejaculate, and even my saliva, will be considered toxic. I won't be off chemo long enough this summer for that to lift. And the erectile dysfunction will be intermittent for the first while, then absolute for months. Plus the fatigue, oh my god the fatigue.

I know my memories of the late stages of chemo are crowding out my memories of how functional I remained early on. Still, it's an abrupt and profound transition from day one. This scares me, it worries me, and I hate it.

Not to mention which, the spectacular failures the last round of chemo introduced into my emotional and personal life weigh very heavily upon me, indeed.

The anxieties are powerful. I see the bullet coming, I know the scars the last shot left on my body and my heart, and I can do nothing but take the hit without flinching. But I dread this, I dread this powerfully.

I go on. There is no way out but forward.

Fuck cancer.

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The Empress of Ice Cream
User: icecreamempress
Date: 2011-05-09 13:30 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
What a marvelous idea you and the_child had, to take that magical trip and store up some sweetness for the tough times ahead.

All best wishes to you for the difficult journey ahead.
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User: quaero_verum
Date: 2011-05-09 14:18 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Forward, indeed. Straight into your future, as you will put this behind you once again.

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mlerules: kitty lamp
User: mlerules
Date: 2011-05-09 14:22 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:kitty lamp
Ditto re: that last bit, even more than you know.
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User: autopope
Date: 2011-05-09 14:49 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Fuck cancer, indeed.
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User: scarlettina
Date: 2011-05-09 14:51 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
You're certainly, unavoidably walking point on this, but we're all with you, Jay. You will get through this, and you will go on.
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User: icedrake
Date: 2011-05-09 15:08 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Damn straight.
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User: the_ogre
Date: 2011-05-10 04:03 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
What they said.
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User: markbourne
Date: 2011-05-09 16:06 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Forward, and with friends.
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User: kshandra
Date: 2011-05-09 17:16 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:Fuck Cancer
Whatever I might be able to offer is yours.

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User: swan_tower
Date: 2011-05-09 17:26 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Fuck cancer! You will prevail.
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Lady Jestocost
User: ladyjestocost
Date: 2011-05-09 17:34 (UTC)
Subject: D**n Cancer
Very best of luck with this. At the end of it, may you get B's path report & test results.
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User: barbarienne
Date: 2011-05-09 18:16 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Anticipation is a two-edged sword.

Fuck cancer!
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User: jenntheamazon
Date: 2011-05-09 21:24 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
*hugs* We all dread you oging down this road again, but knowing you, you're gonna kick this cancer right in the balls. Much love, Jay. Much love.
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User: anghara
Date: 2011-05-09 22:21 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
One advantage this time - if such can be the name given to ANY of this - is that YOU'VE DONE IT BEFORE. And slogged through it. And yes it was difficult and miserable in so many ways, but it did not beat you then. So you can win.

I send you thoughts of strength and courage as you face that road again. I am glad you had an opportunity of Hawaii Healing to shore you up for the climb that's coming. It's a mountain, Jay. Hopefully this time the view of the future from the top will be more pleasant, when you get there.
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frabjouslinz: Me Street
User: frabjouslinz
Date: 2011-05-09 22:39 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:Me Street
Hugs. I'm thinking about you.
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User: keikaimalu
Date: 2011-05-09 22:39 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I wish I had more to offer than my sympathies and best wishes, but at least I have those. And now you have them too.

I'm very glad you got your Kauai trip with your daughter. Sounds like a great experience.
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User: emmainfiniti
Date: 2011-05-10 01:55 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Hugs. Flinching is a pretty rational reaction.. Keep moving forward.
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User: shelly_rae
Date: 2011-05-10 04:26 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
So very pleased that you and The Child had some quality time together when you felt good. Father daughter bonding time=priceless.

I do envy you that Child.

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That Which Fights Entropy: chaos
User: amberite
Date: 2011-05-10 04:43 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I'm glad for your time in Hawaii. It's a beautiful place; I'll always treasure the time I went with my own parents, long ago.

We're all rooting for you out here.
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User: ombriel
Date: 2011-05-10 05:13 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
My recent health issues were very different than yours, but when it got too big to think about or deal with, it helped me to focus on one day at a time; sometimes a few hours at a time. Though you've had practice at that already, I'm sure.

Anyway, you continue to be in my thoughts.
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