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Jay Lake
Date: 2012-03-27 05:09
Subject: [cancer] The frustrations of the future
Security: Public
Tags:cancer, health, personal, travel, writing
So much hinges on next month's retests to try to nail down what's going on with my new liver lesion. I can't really commit to what I'm doing this year in terms of writing productivity, convention and conference travel, or even friend-stuff past mid-April.

I lost essentially half of the year each of the last two years to cancer treatments. My inability to commit to future dates caused me to be dropped from an important teaching gig. Chemo-induced emotional and mental distress contributed significantly to the end of my last relationship. I keep confronting my mortality in large ways and small. And now with so much going on in my life socially, emotionally, professionally, I'm once again staring down the barrel of the profound disruptions of cancer.

Even if this lesion is another round of cancer, what then? My oncologists have expressed differing opinions about the treatment courses. I only have one more course of chemotherapy available to me, then we're pretty much done with that option. Do we use that last bullet in the gun on this go round? Do we have surgery only? What do we do next?

It's pissing me off. Frustrating me. Making me angry and sad. I suppose some people would say that control is always an illusion, but cancer, even the simple threat of its recurrence, strips that control away and leaves me with uncertainty piled upon uncertainty.

Cancer sucks.

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Kari Sperring
User: la_marquise_de_
Date: 2012-03-27 13:35 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Thinking of you.
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User: mevennen
Date: 2012-03-27 15:12 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
We are, too.
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it's a great life, if you don't weaken
User: matociquala
Date: 2012-03-27 15:34 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Fuck cancer, and I like you a hell of a lot.
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User: mlerules
Date: 2012-03-27 15:49 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
*thinking good thoughts & x-ing digits*
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User: shelly_rae
Date: 2012-03-27 15:54 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Cancer does suck--we both know that. I lean towards 'carpe diem' do it now thinking. But I'm lucky, I have no debts. But you're lucky too, you have family, a child, enormous numbers of friends, to help you too. (yes, you and I have distorted frames for 'luck'). I've been waiting on tests results for 30 years now--many have been good, some iffy, some bad bad bad--but it does no good to fret--and I know, some fretting is necessary. Yes. I say make the plans you want to make. Show up if you can. Cancel if you must. It's better to live the life you want to than put things off. Your career is stronger than you think. Consider calling the folks with the teaching gig and ask to go anyway? If not there are many teaching opportunities if you want them. Some with less travel.</p>

Be good to yourself. Cancer treatments change rapidly--they've improved immensely in the last 10 years. leaps and bounds over the past 30.

I remain optimistic.

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curious Eve
User: curiouseve
Date: 2012-03-27 22:03 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Uncertainty sucks. Cancer sucks ass x100.
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User: radiantlisa
Date: 2012-03-27 23:51 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Seriously fuck cancer.
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User: keikaimalu
Date: 2012-03-28 00:10 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I think the worst thing about cancer is that it can strip away your illusions -- and even an illusion of control is mighty comforting, and possibly even necessary emotional nutrition.

I wish you smooth seas, Jay, untroubled by any future cancers. I wish that for us all.

And I hope, deeply and sincerely, that you find peace and equilibrium no matter where the foibles of your life and body take you.
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Little and foxy and sexy... what more do you want?
User: little_foxy
Date: 2012-03-28 00:44 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
*hugs* because I can't think of any words that would help. Not sure the hugs will either...
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