Jay Lake (jaylake) wrote,
Jay Lake

[cancer] Watching the avalanche rumble

After my semi-epic meltdown of Saturday night, I flew pretty low Sunday. Which wasn't hard, I only had one piece of programming at Norwescon, and then skeedaddled for home and a late afternoon Easter dinner with my parents, [info]lillypond and the Niece. ([info]the_child remained behind in Seattle with friends.)

I've slept pretty well, which is usually emotionally restorative for me. This morning I still feel drained, flat and melancholy. Most of the issues I can point to are things I know I'd deal with pretty well if I were in my normal energy state. The real pressure on everything in truth revolves around next week's tests and oncology consultations.

A bargain I need to make with myself this week is not to take things too seriously and not to make any major decisions until after I've cleared next week's hurdles. As I've noted here a number of times before, waiting to know what happens next is the hardest part of this process for me. There's something oddly comforting about having a definitive diagnosis, even if it's a bad diagnosis. Certainly that seems to be more cope-able for me personally than this Schrödinger's tumor of mine.

Overwhelming dread and fear are not conducive to solid emotional thinking.

I am rock bottom pessimistic about what will happen next. This is a statement of my emotional outlook, not a viewpoint based on clinical data. I just seem to keep drawing the joker from the deck over and over on this cancer progression. "Relentless" would be a good word to describe how it feels to me, albeit slow enough that we have time to deal with each outbreak. I feel the relentlessness now. I can watch the avalanche rumble, though so far all I've experienced are the emotional foreshocks.

So much more to come.

Tags: cancer, child, family, healthcare, personal
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