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[cancer|child] Playing Russian roulette with Schrödinger's tumor - Lakeshore — LiveJournal
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Jay Lake
Date: 2012-04-16 05:34
Subject: [cancer|child] Playing Russian roulette with Schrödinger's tumor
Security: Public
Tags:cancer, child, health, personal, writing
Today I am off to play Russian roulette with Schrödinger's tumor. Schrödinger's tumor would, of course, be the previously identified but uncharacterized lesion in my right hepatic lobe which we will carefully observe today via bloodwork and CT scan. Much like the cat in the box, the act of observation will resolve its state.

Mind you, my quanta are not in danger of collapse. The metaphor only stretches so far, after all. This is the nature of metaphors. Unfortunately I can't say the same for my emotional processes.

From a writing perspective, I have been useless since last Thursday. This is as discussed. Unfortunate but not surprising, and not ultimately damaging to my productivity or deadlines. Mostly it wounds my pride.

From a life perspective, I'd resolved after my meltdown of the weekend before last that this past week would be a time where I didn't make any major life decisions and didn't engage in any difficult emotional terrain. Unfortunately, not everyone around me got the memo. So there was a fair amount of static from various quarters in a week when my emotional radio was particularly ill-tuned.

From a parenting perspective, everything got very difficult last night. I'd just come back from a long, early dinner with [info]mlerules at Ken's Artisan Pizza. (Mmm. Not the best gourmet pizza in town, but still pretty darned good.) [info]the_child and her mother had just come back from a party celebrating the life of her friend's mother who'd passed away of cancer about this time last year. She popped into my half of Nuevo Rancho Lake and began asking me some very direct, mature questions about my cancer status, what I expected from today's scan and Wednesday's oncology appointments, when I expected I might die and how the cancer would actually kill me. We then talked about her thoughts about what she would do for herself if I passed away of this in the next few years.

It was a sensible, thoughtful and loving conversation. It broke my heart all over again to have this conversation with my fourteen year old daughter.

Today, the scans. My friend A— is taking me. Wednesday, the oncology follow-ups. [info]lizzyshannon is taking me if she's sufficiently recovered from her recent surgical adventures. Things being the way they are with my hospital, I'll likely know both the bloodwork results and the scan results sometime tomorrow.

Then we'll see if I'm back in hell for another year, or if I get a few more month's reprieve. And we'll know a bit more about how to answer [info]the_child's question of when I am going to die.

I am so afraid.

Post A Comment | 28 Comments | | Link

A wandering fellow on the long road
User: tsarina
Date: 2012-04-16 12:41 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Wishing you strength and courage.
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Amy Sisson
User: amysisson
Date: 2012-04-16 12:51 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Hoping for the best possible results.

Also, I love your relationship with your daughter.
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User: aiela
Date: 2012-04-16 12:58 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Hugs and good thoughts coming your way. I wish I'd been older when my dad had cancer. I was not-quite-12 when he died, and while they tried to explain things to me, I wasn't quite able to absorb what was going on.

My sister's 3 month PET is on Wednesday. She's off her maintenance drugs because she didn't like the quality of life she had on them. She realizes this greatly increases her chances of (a third) metastatsis, but she's decided that not being sick in between was worth it to her.

I hope there's lots and lots of good cancer news this week. Hang in there.
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Jay Lake: cancer-biohazard_bag
User: jaylake
Date: 2012-04-16 12:59 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Thank you. Good luck and good health to your sister.
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User: cathshaffer
Date: 2012-04-16 13:04 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
You are in my thoughts and prayers today. I wish I had something comforting to say, but, honestly, what you are going through is not okay. It's not fair and it should never happen to anyone, and it's also not fair that your daughter should have to worry about this at such a young age. I hope this is the turning point in your journey where you finally go into a sustained remission, and put all of this behind you. Much love, Catherine.
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User: biomekanic
Date: 2012-04-16 13:25 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I'm pulling for you man.

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User: renesears
Date: 2012-04-16 13:29 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Hoping that your news is good.
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User: mevennen
Date: 2012-04-16 13:31 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Jay - very best of luck from us.
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it's a great life, if you don't weaken
User: matociquala
Date: 2012-04-16 14:09 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Love and moral support.
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User: scarlettina
Date: 2012-04-16 14:23 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Thinking of you today and tomorrow, as always, Jay. ::hug::
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User: mlerules
Date: 2012-04-16 14:34 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
*hugs & hope for the best*
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User: threeoutside
Date: 2012-04-16 16:09 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
*hugs* dood.
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User: shelly_rae
Date: 2012-04-16 16:44 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Good luck and solidarity. Like the energizer bunny we just keep going. And going. And going.
I start again soon. Oh well, go. Go. Go.
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User: kellymccullough
Date: 2012-04-16 16:54 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Fingers crossed.
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User: beth_bernobich
Date: 2012-04-16 17:33 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:balloon heart
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User: barbarienne
Date: 2012-04-16 17:40 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Thinking of you and hoping for the best.
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User: swan_tower
Date: 2012-04-16 19:27 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Fingers crossed so hard they hurt.
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frabjouslinz: Me Street
User: frabjouslinz
Date: 2012-04-16 19:40 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keyword:Me Street
Thinking of you.
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User: radiantlisa
Date: 2012-04-16 21:08 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Been thinking about you today ...
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User: anghara
Date: 2012-04-16 22:13 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Anyone who swore that he was not afraid at this kind of pivotal point would probably be indulging in pure bravado. I wish to God that you had no reason to feel afraid, but you certainly have a right to be. And it breaks my heart to hear you say it.

All my best thoughts and vibes go with you.
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crows o'clock
User: sheistheweather
Date: 2012-04-16 23:08 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
You are in my thoughts.
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Twilight: EveryoneNeedsGramSometimes
User: twilight2000
Date: 2012-04-16 23:44 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I wish there was something I could say to make you less afraid - but I don't have the words.

For now? Bright Blessings on you and I hope the news is good!
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User: keikaimalu
Date: 2012-04-17 00:34 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Keeping my fingers crossed. (Yeah, I know, superstitious/magical thinking from one atheist to another. But I still hope it helps.)
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triskelmoon: hatchling
User: triskelmoon
Date: 2012-04-17 01:46 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I'm so sorry. If I can help, whether on Pill Hill or not, please let me know.
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Peter Hollo
User: frogworth
Date: 2012-04-17 03:59 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Sending you love and hopeful thoughts.
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Kari Sperring
User: la_marquise_de_
Date: 2012-04-17 13:09 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Very, very good wishes.
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Lizzy Blythe-Shannon
User: lizzyshannon
Date: 2012-04-17 14:38 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
How well put with the Schrödinger's tumor, but I am so sorry, my dear. See you tomorrow. xxx
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