Jay Lake (jaylake) wrote,
Jay Lake

[cancer] Shelving my next trip to hell for a while

Good news yesterday, though, I didn't get the CT result until I was actually in with my surgical oncologist, which made for a tense and stressful morning. However, the actual radiology report was very encouraging. The relevant portion reads:
"Stable appearance of inferior right lobe hepatic wedge resection site with no residual/recurrent tumor along the margins of resection. Previously described subcentimeter right lobe hypodensity image 115 appears less conspicuous. No other potential new or enlarging hepatic lesion."

In plain English, that means the most recent liver resection shows no signs of a return of the cancer, and the lesion they found two months ago has reduced. That pretty much is conclusive that this isn't a cancerous tumor. Meanwhile, everything else is clean with no sign of additional metastasis.

In other words, hooray!

Our next step is a follow-up CT scan and bloodwork in mid-August. In the mean time, I will be having my chest port removed in the near future. Which is a stark statement on the part of me and my oncologists, as it will take years of good CT scans before I can be deemed cured. I'm not even in remission yet, technically.

Spent a lot of time yesterday thinking about the trap of hope. The past few years have really burned the optimism out of me. They've also pretty much cauterized the gaping wounds left behind. Hope is almost toxic to me now, because the price of the let-downs has been so profound. Far better to expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised when it doesn't come to pass than to live in hope and be shot down over and over.

On the other hand, I can now walk around for the next four months being a more-or-less free man. I know my pattern, I'll start to weird out about this a week or two before the next scan date. But without the presence of an existing lesion (as with going into this scan just past), it won't be so brutal or emotionally overwhelming.

So for now, my next trip to hell is on the shelf. Instead of measuring my life out in coffee spoons, I measure it out in CT scans. There's a child to raise and people to love and books to write.

Go live, you guys. It's what I'll be doing.

Tags: cancer, child, health, personal

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